Counting down

It's less than 48 hours until my beta blood results, assuming all goes to plan at the clinic. And I've decided to test at home Saturday morning, before the call from the clinic, so an even shorter time till then.

I'm feeling much more relaxed than at this stage last time. I'm sure partly because I just don't have that much time to think about it all and the possible outcomes - Baby B keeps me pretty busy! Also, I think the 'pressure' is lessened by the mere fact that Baby B exists. I was so, so desperate to be a mother before he was born. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I genuinely didn't know how I would live if I couldn't be a mother (I know I would have done - I just could never picture that life). This time is different, though this baby is wanted and would be loved no less.

Another reason for this apparent calm is an unusual sense of optimism about the outcome. I have never been an optimistic person and certainly not in all things ART-related. I felt hopeful during the cycle that became Baby B, but never exactly optimistic. This time, I feel like it could've worked. And, even whilst typing that, I feel like I'm tempting fate and setting myself up for a fall. But that is how I feel. An increase in (imagined/med-related) symptoms in the last couple of days might be contributing to this new positive outlook. I've had more belly & breast twinges or unusual feelings. Also, (TMI ahead), an increase in CM and a general wet feeling.

I know some of those reading this will be sat shaking their heads in disbelief - after a mantra of 'nothing means anything' throughout my previous cycle, I seem to have become the 'everything means something' girl.

Will this make a difference to the result? No. Is it making these days of waiting a little easier? Yes. Will it mean an even bigger disappointment if the cycle turns out to be unsuccessful? Probably.

Twiddling my thumbs...

I hope this title crosses the language/cultural barriers of my readers! But basically, this weekend is the first since finding out that I'm pregnant that I haven't had some major milestone appointment to occupy, worry and eventually, reassure me. 2 beta tests and 2 ultrasounds down and I have a weekend free of the rollercoaster of anticipation and panic, followed by relief and happiness. Of course, this doesn't mean that I can't manufacture my own rollercoaster to replace it. After pretty consistent morning sickness for the last 2 weeks, I have been feeling much better since Friday. The joy of not feeling sick is quickly replaced with the worry of symptoms waxing and waning and what that means (probably nothing in my most logical moments).

As for other symptoms, I'm still experiencing dizziness quite often, though that horrible near-fainting episode has not been repeated, thank goodness. I also seem to be randomly developing small patches of spider veins (or spider navi to give them their technical term - sounds like something out of Avatar to me) on my face. Thursday brought a small patch under an eyebrow which was odd, but I thought nothing of it. Only yesterday when I spotted a patch under my chin did I connect the dots (not literally, though that would have been quite fun) and realise that these could be the spider veins mentioned in my new, fabulous pregnancy book.  My Mum claims that she never got them during any of her 4 pregnancies even though they can be genetic. From my reading, it makes sense that they are linked to the change in my blood flow due to the demands of the baby, which is also bringing the dizziness. My Bloke is calling the baby a 'greedy bugger' for taking so much of my blood! (I should mention here that the baby will always be a boy to my Bloke until he has physical evidence to the contrary!).

This post is in danger of drifting into nothingness... basically, my symptoms are coming and going a bit and I still find that stressful. I have my first OB appointment on Thursday and, after thinking that I had mastered this positive thinking and didn't need the reassurance of extra ultrasounds, I'm now planning to ask for one if it's not offered. At 8 weeks and 4 days, there should be interesting stuff to see :)

I still feel in a weird kind of limbo - partly because I still haven't really accepted that there is a new life growing inside me. Also, because our move to Korea is on hold until the end of the 1st trimester, I feel like I'm treading water till we get to that point. Consequently I seem to be spending a lot of time on the sofa, watching bad TV. This is fine most of the time, but kind of embarrassing when our twice-weekly cleaner comes round and I let her clean around me! Though I think she's spotted the pregnancy book with the big naked belly on the front, so I hope she's cutting me some slack!

Going old school...

This morning I almost fainted on my way to the clinic for my daily progesterone shot. I have never fainted in my life and always wondered what it felt like, but now I'd be pretty happy not to find out! I was stuck at the back of a packed elevator on my way up to the 17th floor and feeling a bit nauseous, but that's par for the course these days. Then I started getting weird prickly feelings all over my body, followed by worsening nausea. I was pondering whether I'd need to get out of the elevator early to throw up or if I could make it a few more floors when my vision went a bit odd and I had to keep opening and closing my eyes. The fear of throwing up on the crowds around me and/or dropping to the floor made me push my way out on the 13th floor. Luckily there were chairs by the elevator and I put my head between my knees whilst a cold sweat passed over me.

After a few minutes I felt better and made my way up for my shot. I contemplated finding a Doctor to tell them about it, but remembered reading that dizziness/fainting are a relatively common pregnancy symptom, so decided against it. Just after I got home, my new pregnancy book arrived by courier and that said you should tell your Doc if you feel faint or dizzy! Oops!

I figure that if it happens again I'll tell someone. What do you think? I mean after all, swooning seemed to be a diagnostic tool to tell if women were pregnant in costume dramas so it must be pretty common... or was it wearing a corset whilst pregnant that caused that? To be honest, my trousers were a bit snug so maybe that contributed...

Hormones from hell...

After re-reading my last post and reflecting on my behaviour overall yesterday, it's become clear that it was not a good day for me yesterday! After the ultrasound I spent the rest of the day (till mid-afternoon at least when we went to the cinema) either in tears or really angry and snapping at my Bloke. He didn't know what to say that wouldn't make me cry or get angry, so didn't say anything. This just got me more frustrated because, somehow, I wanted him to be able to make all my worries and concerns disappear and he just couldn't and can't.

Once we'd watched a fun movie (including a little nap for me), I did feel better and I'm feeling better again today. I'm still disappointed that we couldn't see more on our scan, particularly seeing some of the other blogger's pictures that are at around the same stage as us. But I am trying to be positive, take solace in how happy the Doctor seemed yesterday - to be honest, she looked more excited than either of us! - and try to 'believe' that everything is fine until someone says it isn't, which may never, and hopefully will never, happen.

I'm also glad that my post rung true for a few of you yesterday. As always, you reassure me that I am not alone and my feelings are not so very strange. I'm hoping that yesterday's outbursts were partly pregnancy hormones, but I know they were stress-linked as well. In some ways, I wish I had more symptoms to reassure me, but I recently realised that I am still going to acupuncture designed to relieve symptoms!  I guess that's about as logical as I get right now! I'm still feeling very hungry, pretty often. My Bloke described it as 'hungry to the point of distraction' meaning that I can't do anything or think about anything else until I've eaten. I also feel a bit nauseous if I get hungry. I'm hoping this is a good sign though I always wonder about it being 'imagined'...

This morning I went to the ER as usual for my Sunday morning shot. The nurse who speaks English was on duty and remembered me from previous visits. She asked if I was having all these shots to keep my pregnancy. Then she said 'You tolerate a lot of pain to have a baby'. And for a moment, I felt maybe a little proud or maybe just pleased to have someone acknowledge all that I'm going through (and that so many of us are going through) and I thought - Yes, I am and every shot and scan and poke and prod is worth it. :)

Getting used to the idea

Not much to report here as I'm still waiting for my 2nd beta blood test on Saturday. I'm feeling fine and my stomach problems are finally calming down, which confirms that they were due to my overactive nerves.  I don't think I feel any different... it's so hard not to 'imagine' symptoms. Things that I might be feeling if I'm not imagining them:

• Feeling warmer.. yes, the weather is quite warm but I generally still feel cold when I'm indoors, particularly my feet. This last week I get hot much quicker than usual and my feet are staying warm :)
• Feeling a bit more hungry... this could also be due to my stomach feeling better and getting my appetite back, so not sure about this one.
• Still have bigger, sore breasts but this is probably down to the progesterone shots still. This has not been helped by getting 3 mosquito bits on my right nipple (can you believe that?!).. which I can't scratch. Have you ever tried scratching your nipples? Actually, not sure I want the answer to that one ;)

I gave in and did another HPT this morning. I just woke up thinking about it and thought 'why not?!'. Pretty sure the line is darker and it definitely appeared much more quickly than at the weekend, so happy with that.

Other news.. I told my Mum the news on Sunday night. I wasn't sure whether to tell her yet or not. I didn't want to get her hopes up in case things don't go according to plan. But I'd kept her up to date on our IVF cycle and felt that I couldn't lie at this stage, because she was pretty sure to ask about it. Also I decided that, if anything did happen, I probably wouldn't be able to keep that from her anyway, so she might as well enjoy the good news. I also thought telling her was in line with the positive attitude I'm trying to cultivate :)  She was very surprised when I told her (no fancy news-breaking here... just asked her if she was sitting down before I told her!). I did point out that, since we were doing IVF, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise, but apparently she had no idea how long the whole process took, so wasn't expecting news yet. Of course, she was happy!  This will be the 1st grandchild that she is able to have in her life (long story, for another day). 

Questions from Mum and my answers:

• When's the due date? January 21st
• Will we still be in Korea then? Yes... I hadn't told her exactly how long my Bloke's contract was.. actually, still not sure myself but at least 2 years! You can see my Mum's chain of thought here.. any chance we'll be back in the UK by then?! Sorry Mum!
• Will we find out the gender? My Mum has always said she thinks people shouldn't find out the gender because it spoils the surprise. I've pointed out that, when you find out at the scan, it will be a surprise then instead! She didn't really say what she thought we should do. I've always imagined I would find out and I said this to her, but I've no idea of my Bloke's opinion. Personally, I think we can hold off on this decision for a little while!

She's agreed not to tell my siblings yet if she can avoid it. We'll see how that goes! She managed not to cry until we said goodbye and then I could hear her starting to crack... aah!

Day after HCG... Revised post

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments yesterday. At a time when I've only told 2 'real-life' people (my best friend here in Shanghai and Dr F), it's so nice to be able to share my joy with all of you.

Revised post:  I'm removing my HPT picture because I've been reminded how hard seeing them can be on others. Thanks again for your comments xx

A couple of people suggested, very sensibly, that I could go to another hospital and get a beta blood test mid week. This is definitely possible.. I could go back to my expat-type hospital and get a test there, but I don't think I'm going to. Why? Well, I'm trying to start as I mean to go on and take a relaxed, positive approach to this pregnancy. I had a freak out on Thursday (before even knowing I had a BFP) about all the things that could possibly go wrong and I know I can't spend the next (hopefully) 9 months like that. So maybe I should practice regaining my zen and wait... 

Today I'm feeling fine. I couldn't get to sleep last night and woke up early this morning. But how amazing to wake up and have that happy realisation that I'm pregnant :) Of course, those happy thoughts were then followed by an anxious check for potential symptoms! I'm still having problems with my digestion but the Dr didn't think it was connected to the pregnancy. So now I'm focusing on getting rid of this bug or whatever it is, so I can be sure any nauseous feelings are the reassuring symptom I'd like them to be!

The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

Halfway house...

I'm 5 days down with 5 more to go before my beta hcg blood test and I'm in a weird state of limbo. I haven't been blogging daily because there's nothing for me to say!  I feel fine. Great, in fact. I feel back to normal, as if I've not been through IVF at all (except perhaps for a little extra weight around my middle because of lack of exercise).

Which is weird, right? I'm so used to cycles that lead to nothing, whether natural or IUI, that it feels like I'm back there again.  Not in a particularly negative way, just in a 'well, that's done and out of the way - what's next?' kind of way.

I spent the first 3 days after transfer at home, taking it easy. I only went out to get my progesterone shots at the clinic or emergency room. Friends came over and I kept myself busy with TV, books and some of my planned time-filling projects. Unfortunately my Bloke had to be in Seoul for work so I was a bit lonely, but generally I've been doing fine. I don't feel any symptoms.. the progesterone seems to be slowing down my digestion, but I've found ways to deal with that. So I feel normal. As normal as it's possible to feel when you're a week away from immense joy or huge disappointment.

So, like this blog post, the whole experience is seriously underwhelming!  In some ways, I know this is good. I feel calmer than I have during my IUI cycle 2wws. I'm not symptom-spotting and am trying to stick to my mantra 'Nothing means anything'. This is not a depressing, fatalistic, pessimistic mantra.. it's what I've tried to live by when driving myself crazy during other 2wws and applies even more now. Basically, any 'symptoms' I do experience could be due to the meds I'm on and, in all probability, I wouldn't experience any symptoms at such an early stage, even with a positive result. So, no symptoms don't mean anything bad, anymore than a possibly imagined symptom means anything good. Does that make sense?  And I know there are women out there who do experience very early pregnancy signs and I would love to be one of them, but I'm not counting on it.

The week ahead is near-filled with fun things to do.. lunches, picnics and visits to friends. This will be the first time I've seen most people since announcing our move to Korea, so conversations should be filled with that topic. Hopefully, these will help me maintain some sense of calm and stop any potential obsessing in it's tracks. Hopefully.... ;)