Back to normal?

Firstly, thanks for the lovely messages of support after my last, very brief, post. I didn't intend to be dramatic with that non-post - at that point of time I wasn't feeling too bad, but mostly because I wasn't really ready to face my feelings.

I POAS at home early Saturday and my Bloke and I looked at it together. I didn't exactly expect a positive, but I was still somehow surprised to see no trace of a test line. It was almost like I was expecting to at least be a little bit pregnant!

There was no chance of going back to sleep, so we went out fairly early to a fun Kids cafe. Baby B had a great time and I counted my blessings. I called the clinic later and they confirmed the negative result. My last little bit of hope dissolved.

Sunday was tough. Tears came and went (don't get me wrong, there were plenty on Saturday too). I sent a couple of emails telling people the news. Every time I had to write it, it became a little more real.

But as I write this, I realize I still don't really know how I feel. I think I'm numb. Disappointed, yes. Stunned maybe. And still nursing that feeling that the last month didn't really happen. I'm trying my hardest to stay in the moment and stay thankful for the life we have. Thinking about the life that might have been is just too hard right now. 

Not this time :(

More to follow in the next day or two. Thanks for all the support x

6dp3dt

3 days after the transfer (& lots of bedrest, a mani/pedi, facial & massage later) we came back to Seoul. I know flying is not particularly advised so soon, but my Bloke had to get back to work and I have been careful not to do any heavy lifting.

So, it's back to routine and feeling like nothing has happened. I have been looking back through my blog posts from my last transfer and experienced the same feelings then - I think the sensation of 'Now that's all over, what next?' is almost intensified by undergoing treatment in another country. My home here in Seoul has no links to the treatment (or to our infertility, in some ways), so it's easy to feel remote from it all.

But, of course, it is still on my mind. I have decided to give in to temptation and am Googling every possible little symptom I may or may not be feeling - hey, why not?! And what are these (imagined?!) symptoms:

• Cold and sore throat - sadly this one is very real. Yesterday felt rubbish, but am a little better today. Sneezing a lot and a runny nose. Of course, searching for this will turn up some women with these symptoms in the 2ww who were pregnant, but I don't really think they're connected.
• Upset stomach - this is something I suffered during our last 10 day wait. But, just as last time, this could be due to my nerves as my stomach is very sensitive to my being anxious.
• Occasional tummy twinges - or maybe I'm just tensing up & imagining them!
• Occasional breast twinges

As before, these can all be explained away by the progesterone ( 3 tablets a day, plus transvaginal gel before bed - hooray for no injections this time!) or by nerves etc. The only way to know will be that upcoming test.

I've made an appointment at a fertility centre for Friday afternoon. Oh, the joy of being able to ring and speak to someone in English! And make an appointment! And get results by phone instead of hanging around for hours/pushing to the front of a frenzied crowd of women! I will get the blood results Saturday morning and I'm still deciding when to POAS. I'm a little tempted to test every day until then, just to see. But I can't get early response tests here, so not sure if there'd be much point. I'll either test Friday or Saturday morning. I'm veering towards Saturday - we tested on a Saturday last time and at least then my Bloke will be with me for the day, either way. But will the clinic think I'm weird if I haven't tested at home already? And would they have me POAS there?! I really don't want that, but I guess I could say no.

I'll think about it & you'll probably be the first to know :)

The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

Loser!

Well I went and did something stupid... I took an HPT. Today is CD28 and there has been no sign of AF, so I thought I might as well.  Of course, it was negative. Which is not surprising and not as depressing as other months, because at least we've started the IVF and are looking at our best possible chance this cycle.

But you'd think I'd learn wouldn't you?! I was still holding onto that tiny possibility of being one of the cliches - one of those women who actually start IVF and get pregnant naturally... :)

But I'm feeling fine.. now just impatient for AF to actually arrive so we can get going with stimming.... come on!!

Disappointment, confusion and hopefully acceptance.

I really don't know the real 'message' of this post. I'd intended to write today about the 2ww and how difficult I've been finding this one in particular. Then this morning I had weird half-dreams about taking pregnancy tests, cramping and stuff. I awoke to 'real' cramping and spotting and I'm only 11dpiui. Obviously I was gutted. I decided to POAS just to make the reality 'stick' and of course, it was BFN.

So this post should be about that BFN and how it feels to know our last IUI is over and preparing for the move to IVF. But, as usual, I can't let it drop. I've been Googling 'implantation spotting/cramping' in 100 different combinations all morning.  It's not the first time I've done this and, I know that, until my period starts for real, I won't be able to let that hope go.  Also, I'm having strange, very localised twinges over my right ovary region which are unusual for me, so that is fuelling the fire of my fevered imagination.

I 'know' this cycle is over somewhere inside me, but it's going to take a little while to sink in. I've only cried a little today.. once when I told bloke by SMS and he replied with a lovely message, but including the evil 'B' word... 'baby'. I can only deal with this process if I think of needles, eggs, sperm and hormones and try not to attach it to that magical goal for which we're aiming, as stupid as that sounds.

So, what is the post about? I hope the title says it all