Counting down

It's less than 48 hours until my beta blood results, assuming all goes to plan at the clinic. And I've decided to test at home Saturday morning, before the call from the clinic, so an even shorter time till then.

I'm feeling much more relaxed than at this stage last time. I'm sure partly because I just don't have that much time to think about it all and the possible outcomes - Baby B keeps me pretty busy! Also, I think the 'pressure' is lessened by the mere fact that Baby B exists. I was so, so desperate to be a mother before he was born. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I genuinely didn't know how I would live if I couldn't be a mother (I know I would have done - I just could never picture that life). This time is different, though this baby is wanted and would be loved no less.

Another reason for this apparent calm is an unusual sense of optimism about the outcome. I have never been an optimistic person and certainly not in all things ART-related. I felt hopeful during the cycle that became Baby B, but never exactly optimistic. This time, I feel like it could've worked. And, even whilst typing that, I feel like I'm tempting fate and setting myself up for a fall. But that is how I feel. An increase in (imagined/med-related) symptoms in the last couple of days might be contributing to this new positive outlook. I've had more belly & breast twinges or unusual feelings. Also, (TMI ahead), an increase in CM and a general wet feeling.

I know some of those reading this will be sat shaking their heads in disbelief - after a mantra of 'nothing means anything' throughout my previous cycle, I seem to have become the 'everything means something' girl.

Will this make a difference to the result? No. Is it making these days of waiting a little easier? Yes. Will it mean an even bigger disappointment if the cycle turns out to be unsuccessful? Probably.

6dp3dt

3 days after the transfer (& lots of bedrest, a mani/pedi, facial & massage later) we came back to Seoul. I know flying is not particularly advised so soon, but my Bloke had to get back to work and I have been careful not to do any heavy lifting.

So, it's back to routine and feeling like nothing has happened. I have been looking back through my blog posts from my last transfer and experienced the same feelings then - I think the sensation of 'Now that's all over, what next?' is almost intensified by undergoing treatment in another country. My home here in Seoul has no links to the treatment (or to our infertility, in some ways), so it's easy to feel remote from it all.

But, of course, it is still on my mind. I have decided to give in to temptation and am Googling every possible little symptom I may or may not be feeling - hey, why not?! And what are these (imagined?!) symptoms:

• Cold and sore throat - sadly this one is very real. Yesterday felt rubbish, but am a little better today. Sneezing a lot and a runny nose. Of course, searching for this will turn up some women with these symptoms in the 2ww who were pregnant, but I don't really think they're connected.
• Upset stomach - this is something I suffered during our last 10 day wait. But, just as last time, this could be due to my nerves as my stomach is very sensitive to my being anxious.
• Occasional tummy twinges - or maybe I'm just tensing up & imagining them!
• Occasional breast twinges

As before, these can all be explained away by the progesterone ( 3 tablets a day, plus transvaginal gel before bed - hooray for no injections this time!) or by nerves etc. The only way to know will be that upcoming test.

I've made an appointment at a fertility centre for Friday afternoon. Oh, the joy of being able to ring and speak to someone in English! And make an appointment! And get results by phone instead of hanging around for hours/pushing to the front of a frenzied crowd of women! I will get the blood results Saturday morning and I'm still deciding when to POAS. I'm a little tempted to test every day until then, just to see. But I can't get early response tests here, so not sure if there'd be much point. I'll either test Friday or Saturday morning. I'm veering towards Saturday - we tested on a Saturday last time and at least then my Bloke will be with me for the day, either way. But will the clinic think I'm weird if I haven't tested at home already? And would they have me POAS there?! I really don't want that, but I guess I could say no.

I'll think about it & you'll probably be the first to know :)

Another 10 day wait begins.

Sorry for the delayed absence - my grand plans of blogging in the evenings after Baby B went to bed were scuppered when I realised that Blogger is now blocked in China by the internet firewall. I had downloaded software to get round the wall (live without Facebook for a couple of weeks, no thank you!), but it didn't work.

And to be honest, for the week that I was in China without my Bloke, I was so tired by the evenings that I don't think any posts would have been very coherent!

But, the short story is that all went well. After a couple of weeks of taking estrogen at home, I went back to the clinic in China for a check-up. My endometrium was a little thin (6mm), so I was prescribed a higher dose of estrogen and some aspirin. 3 days later & 3 more mm! So the transfer was booked and my Bloke arrived to look after Baby B.

This time the transfer was less eventful (and less comical) than last time. There were 7 of us waiting for transfers & the egg collections and IUIs are always done first, so I knew it'd be a long wait. And, for some reason, the foreigner is always done last. The procedure itself was fine - I felt a little more poking than last time, but it wasn't uncomfortable (I'd thought that after squeezing one baby out of there, there'd be a bit more room for manoeuvre, but apparently not!). As I lay on the table, the nurse went to the window to collect the embies and I heard her say 'Waiguoren' which is a slang term for Foreigner - lucky I was the only one there that day!

Then they were in & the nurse had me sign that I'd received 2 Grade 7 embryos - kind of like signing for a registered delivery! Baby B (and his unsuccessful partner embryo) were both Grade 8 and I knew our other embies were lower grades, but I was quite happy with that.

An hour lying in the recovery room watching 'Toy Story' on my phone (Baby B's current favourite) and I was sent home.

Brace, brace, brace...

Disclaimer... this is the post I wrote yesterday and couldn't post. Update on results coming later when we're back from the clinic... keep everything crossed for us!

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and advice on my last post. I’ve been finding the last few days pretty tough to be honest (when am I ever anything else in this blog!). I know that this is not unusual.. Zita West has a survey of 2ww diaries in her book, where women rate their level of positivity on a 1-10 scale over the 2 weeks and the vast majority of women feel less and less positive as the days go by.  But it’s hard to cope with because, although I know nothing is different now compared to 1 week ago, that there is no less chance of me being pregnant now than then, my emotions don’t follow logic!

I’ve also been feeling off physically which hasn’t helped in a number of ways. Warning -TMI approaching…  I’ve had pretty horrible diarrhea for about 3 days which makes me not keen on eating, although I still feel hungry, when I’m not feeling a bit queasy.  Of course, I am analyzing every twinge and unusual bowel movement (not literally, in case you were wondering how far my crazy has gone…) in the hope that they are early pregnancy signs. I still rationally know it is unlikely I’d be feeling so bad, so early. I also have a nervous stomach in general and these kinds of symptoms are the first thing that happen when I’m stressed out.  And this bout did start around the time that I started mentally flipping out. So, in all likelihood, nerves are the cause and those are not going away until tomorrow at least.  But, of course, this hasn’t stopped me Googling the hell out of every possible symptom combination! And, of course, there are plenty of women who have these as early symptoms, but they are also side-effects of progesterone so, what d’ya know? Nothing means anything, as always!

As you know, my Bloke has been away nearly all week. When he went, I was pretty sane. In the days that he’s been gone, I’ve traveled into crazytown. Hence his surprise when I started crying down the phone to him last night. He hates it when I do this (we did 2 years long distance, so it’s happened before!). He hates that he’s not there to comfort me. He never knows what to say and knows that only a hug will stand any chance of making me feel better. He doesn’t understand how I’ve gone from so positive to so negative in a matter of days. He thinks that being positive and saying it will all be OK, will make it so. Failing that, he offered to buy me something nice… in this case, that’s just not going to cut it! He’s back tonight and is probably currently bracing himself for the emotional onslaught awaiting him.

Meanwhile, I am bracing myself for tomorrow. I will probably go with my original plan and POAS before getting my blood test results. At that point, whatever the outcome, I need to start calming down because my heart (in more ways than one) can’t cope with this constant feeling of panic for much longer…

The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

Halfway house...

I'm 5 days down with 5 more to go before my beta hcg blood test and I'm in a weird state of limbo. I haven't been blogging daily because there's nothing for me to say!  I feel fine. Great, in fact. I feel back to normal, as if I've not been through IVF at all (except perhaps for a little extra weight around my middle because of lack of exercise).

Which is weird, right? I'm so used to cycles that lead to nothing, whether natural or IUI, that it feels like I'm back there again.  Not in a particularly negative way, just in a 'well, that's done and out of the way - what's next?' kind of way.

I spent the first 3 days after transfer at home, taking it easy. I only went out to get my progesterone shots at the clinic or emergency room. Friends came over and I kept myself busy with TV, books and some of my planned time-filling projects. Unfortunately my Bloke had to be in Seoul for work so I was a bit lonely, but generally I've been doing fine. I don't feel any symptoms.. the progesterone seems to be slowing down my digestion, but I've found ways to deal with that. So I feel normal. As normal as it's possible to feel when you're a week away from immense joy or huge disappointment.

So, like this blog post, the whole experience is seriously underwhelming!  In some ways, I know this is good. I feel calmer than I have during my IUI cycle 2wws. I'm not symptom-spotting and am trying to stick to my mantra 'Nothing means anything'. This is not a depressing, fatalistic, pessimistic mantra.. it's what I've tried to live by when driving myself crazy during other 2wws and applies even more now. Basically, any 'symptoms' I do experience could be due to the meds I'm on and, in all probability, I wouldn't experience any symptoms at such an early stage, even with a positive result. So, no symptoms don't mean anything bad, anymore than a possibly imagined symptom means anything good. Does that make sense?  And I know there are women out there who do experience very early pregnancy signs and I would love to be one of them, but I'm not counting on it.

The week ahead is near-filled with fun things to do.. lunches, picnics and visits to friends. This will be the first time I've seen most people since announcing our move to Korea, so conversations should be filled with that topic. Hopefully, these will help me maintain some sense of calm and stop any potential obsessing in it's tracks. Hopefully.... ;)

Waiting...

You start trying to get pregnant and wait, excited, hopeful... maybe it'll happen the 1st month! Oh well, it'll happen soon, you're sure...
Depending on your situation, maybe you wait a year, maybe 2...
You decide it's time to act and arrange to go for tests. Depending on which country and area you live in, your health authority, your insurance cover or lack of it, you wait for an appointment and wait for the results... surely there's nothing wrong with us? We just need to have more sex! Wait a bit longer!...
You decide to pursue fertility treatment and, again, you wait for that appointment...

And then the treatment starts.
You wait for your period to come (all the while, hoping that it won't - that this month will bring that magical, natural BFP that means YOU won't be one of those women, one of those couples who have to go through the stress, inconvenience, expense and emotional rollercoaster that is fertility treatment)...
You start treatment - maybe IUI or IVF.. waiting each day to give yourself injections, waiting for scans to see whether those follicles are the right size, whether your endometrium is thick enough, whether you have any cysts that will stop treatment.
You get to that 'final' step - maybe embryo transfer or insemination.. if in China, you wait in the clinic, for hours maybe, for that 10 minute procedure that could change your life.
And then the 'real' wait begins.. the 2 week wait until you can test or nature tells you 'not this time'...

And that's when your mind goes into overdrive, your imagination runs wild, asking yourself endless questions, examining every physical and emotional 'difference' to spot that sign that will point to a BFP..
'Don't your nipples look a little bigger?' 'Don't they feel a little more sensitive?' 'Aren't you feeling more tired than usual?' 'Aren't you more emotional?' Couldn't that be pregnancy hormones?'  'Maybe those cold symptoms aren't really a cold?.. even though it's zero degrees outside and everyone you know has a cold'. 'Is that discharge implantation bleeding?.. It isn't necessarily your period.. even though your period has always started like that in the past...'

And then your period comes or you test, just to be sure, and that BFN appears.

And you start all over again...