Sunday, 22 December 2013

A New Year ahead

The end of 2013 marks the end of my first full calendar year as a Mum - an arbitrary milestone if ever there was one! It's been a fantastic year watching Baby B grow from a toddling 1 year old to an unbelievably energetic, willful, affectionate, full of personality near 2 year old.

This year also brought a strong desire for another child and our failed FET. And as 2014 approaches, I pretty much feel all over the place about where we go from here. I haven't had strong broody feelings at all since the FET. In some ways my desire for another baby has faded into the background and maybe away altogether. I wonder how on Earth I would manage a toddler and a newborn when I already struggle to keep up with sleep. Baby B sleeps very well, but I need a lot of zzzz's and do not function well without them. The weeks of jetlag we deal with each year never fail to reduce me to a quivering, whimpering wreck. Throw in the odd cold or a bad bout of PMT and I'm often reminded how poorly I cope when tired and emotional!

What if we 'got' a baby that didn't sleep? I have many friends with 2 year olds that never sleep through the night and rarely have since birth. Could I cope?

And yet, the old feelings emerged again today when a friend shared that she is pregnant. She had IVF and has a toddler and is now expecting twins. I don't know if this is an IVF pregnancy, but I know they had frozen embryos. And my stomach still sank when she told me, despite how happy I am for them. But I wonder now if those feelings are not jealousy for my life now, for a pregnancy I wish were mine, but jealousy for a life I still mourn. Jealousy for all the pregnancy announcements I never got to make, for all the unsuccessful months of trying, for the failed IUIs and FET. 

I'm not sure those feelings mean trying to have another baby is the right thing for our family. I'm feeling quite strongly that entering into fresh IVF cycles here in Korea is not on the cards for us. I imagine we will try one more FET with our remaining embryos in China but, right now, that feels like a natural stopping point whatever the outcome. But that too needs some more thought...