Counting down

It's less than 48 hours until my beta blood results, assuming all goes to plan at the clinic. And I've decided to test at home Saturday morning, before the call from the clinic, so an even shorter time till then.

I'm feeling much more relaxed than at this stage last time. I'm sure partly because I just don't have that much time to think about it all and the possible outcomes - Baby B keeps me pretty busy! Also, I think the 'pressure' is lessened by the mere fact that Baby B exists. I was so, so desperate to be a mother before he was born. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I genuinely didn't know how I would live if I couldn't be a mother (I know I would have done - I just could never picture that life). This time is different, though this baby is wanted and would be loved no less.

Another reason for this apparent calm is an unusual sense of optimism about the outcome. I have never been an optimistic person and certainly not in all things ART-related. I felt hopeful during the cycle that became Baby B, but never exactly optimistic. This time, I feel like it could've worked. And, even whilst typing that, I feel like I'm tempting fate and setting myself up for a fall. But that is how I feel. An increase in (imagined/med-related) symptoms in the last couple of days might be contributing to this new positive outlook. I've had more belly & breast twinges or unusual feelings. Also, (TMI ahead), an increase in CM and a general wet feeling.

I know some of those reading this will be sat shaking their heads in disbelief - after a mantra of 'nothing means anything' throughout my previous cycle, I seem to have become the 'everything means something' girl.

Will this make a difference to the result? No. Is it making these days of waiting a little easier? Yes. Will it mean an even bigger disappointment if the cycle turns out to be unsuccessful? Probably.

6dp3dt

3 days after the transfer (& lots of bedrest, a mani/pedi, facial & massage later) we came back to Seoul. I know flying is not particularly advised so soon, but my Bloke had to get back to work and I have been careful not to do any heavy lifting.

So, it's back to routine and feeling like nothing has happened. I have been looking back through my blog posts from my last transfer and experienced the same feelings then - I think the sensation of 'Now that's all over, what next?' is almost intensified by undergoing treatment in another country. My home here in Seoul has no links to the treatment (or to our infertility, in some ways), so it's easy to feel remote from it all.

But, of course, it is still on my mind. I have decided to give in to temptation and am Googling every possible little symptom I may or may not be feeling - hey, why not?! And what are these (imagined?!) symptoms:

• Cold and sore throat - sadly this one is very real. Yesterday felt rubbish, but am a little better today. Sneezing a lot and a runny nose. Of course, searching for this will turn up some women with these symptoms in the 2ww who were pregnant, but I don't really think they're connected.
• Upset stomach - this is something I suffered during our last 10 day wait. But, just as last time, this could be due to my nerves as my stomach is very sensitive to my being anxious.
• Occasional tummy twinges - or maybe I'm just tensing up & imagining them!
• Occasional breast twinges

As before, these can all be explained away by the progesterone ( 3 tablets a day, plus transvaginal gel before bed - hooray for no injections this time!) or by nerves etc. The only way to know will be that upcoming test.

I've made an appointment at a fertility centre for Friday afternoon. Oh, the joy of being able to ring and speak to someone in English! And make an appointment! And get results by phone instead of hanging around for hours/pushing to the front of a frenzied crowd of women! I will get the blood results Saturday morning and I'm still deciding when to POAS. I'm a little tempted to test every day until then, just to see. But I can't get early response tests here, so not sure if there'd be much point. I'll either test Friday or Saturday morning. I'm veering towards Saturday - we tested on a Saturday last time and at least then my Bloke will be with me for the day, either way. But will the clinic think I'm weird if I haven't tested at home already? And would they have me POAS there?! I really don't want that, but I guess I could say no.

I'll think about it & you'll probably be the first to know :)

No more shots!

Yes, today was the day of my last progesterone shot! I do feel very glad to be done with them, particularly as I accidentally got the last 2 days' shots in the same hip, so am feeling rather sore!  I went to the ER to get it and am sincerely hoping that I never have to go back there :)

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments yesterday. However, it seems I spoke a little too soon about the lack of symptoms, as neglecting to have a nap in the afternoon meant I got really tired and headachy at about 5pm - the now usual consequence of trying to stay awake for a whole day like a normal person! I was asleep by 9.30pm after giving up the fight to stay awake and ignore my headache and slept for nearly 12 hours!  But that's fine with me :) It meant I missed a girl's evening out, but I don't have anything to wear that actually fits anyway!