A New Year ahead

The end of 2013 marks the end of my first full calendar year as a Mum - an arbitrary milestone if ever there was one! It's been a fantastic year watching Baby B grow from a toddling 1 year old to an unbelievably energetic, willful, affectionate, full of personality near 2 year old.

This year also brought a strong desire for another child and our failed FET. And as 2014 approaches, I pretty much feel all over the place about where we go from here. I haven't had strong broody feelings at all since the FET. In some ways my desire for another baby has faded into the background and maybe away altogether. I wonder how on Earth I would manage a toddler and a newborn when I already struggle to keep up with sleep. Baby B sleeps very well, but I need a lot of zzzz's and do not function well without them. The weeks of jetlag we deal with each year never fail to reduce me to a quivering, whimpering wreck. Throw in the odd cold or a bad bout of PMT and I'm often reminded how poorly I cope when tired and emotional!

What if we 'got' a baby that didn't sleep? I have many friends with 2 year olds that never sleep through the night and rarely have since birth. Could I cope?

And yet, the old feelings emerged again today when a friend shared that she is pregnant. She had IVF and has a toddler and is now expecting twins. I don't know if this is an IVF pregnancy, but I know they had frozen embryos. And my stomach still sank when she told me, despite how happy I am for them. But I wonder now if those feelings are not jealousy for my life now, for a pregnancy I wish were mine, but jealousy for a life I still mourn. Jealousy for all the pregnancy announcements I never got to make, for all the unsuccessful months of trying, for the failed IUIs and FET. 

I'm not sure those feelings mean trying to have another baby is the right thing for our family. I'm feeling quite strongly that entering into fresh IVF cycles here in Korea is not on the cards for us. I imagine we will try one more FET with our remaining embryos in China but, right now, that feels like a natural stopping point whatever the outcome. But that too needs some more thought...

Back to normal?

Firstly, thanks for the lovely messages of support after my last, very brief, post. I didn't intend to be dramatic with that non-post - at that point of time I wasn't feeling too bad, but mostly because I wasn't really ready to face my feelings.

I POAS at home early Saturday and my Bloke and I looked at it together. I didn't exactly expect a positive, but I was still somehow surprised to see no trace of a test line. It was almost like I was expecting to at least be a little bit pregnant!

There was no chance of going back to sleep, so we went out fairly early to a fun Kids cafe. Baby B had a great time and I counted my blessings. I called the clinic later and they confirmed the negative result. My last little bit of hope dissolved.

Sunday was tough. Tears came and went (don't get me wrong, there were plenty on Saturday too). I sent a couple of emails telling people the news. Every time I had to write it, it became a little more real.

But as I write this, I realize I still don't really know how I feel. I think I'm numb. Disappointed, yes. Stunned maybe. And still nursing that feeling that the last month didn't really happen. I'm trying my hardest to stay in the moment and stay thankful for the life we have. Thinking about the life that might have been is just too hard right now. 

Not this time :(

More to follow in the next day or two. Thanks for all the support x

Counting down

It's less than 48 hours until my beta blood results, assuming all goes to plan at the clinic. And I've decided to test at home Saturday morning, before the call from the clinic, so an even shorter time till then.

I'm feeling much more relaxed than at this stage last time. I'm sure partly because I just don't have that much time to think about it all and the possible outcomes - Baby B keeps me pretty busy! Also, I think the 'pressure' is lessened by the mere fact that Baby B exists. I was so, so desperate to be a mother before he was born. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I genuinely didn't know how I would live if I couldn't be a mother (I know I would have done - I just could never picture that life). This time is different, though this baby is wanted and would be loved no less.

Another reason for this apparent calm is an unusual sense of optimism about the outcome. I have never been an optimistic person and certainly not in all things ART-related. I felt hopeful during the cycle that became Baby B, but never exactly optimistic. This time, I feel like it could've worked. And, even whilst typing that, I feel like I'm tempting fate and setting myself up for a fall. But that is how I feel. An increase in (imagined/med-related) symptoms in the last couple of days might be contributing to this new positive outlook. I've had more belly & breast twinges or unusual feelings. Also, (TMI ahead), an increase in CM and a general wet feeling.

I know some of those reading this will be sat shaking their heads in disbelief - after a mantra of 'nothing means anything' throughout my previous cycle, I seem to have become the 'everything means something' girl.

Will this make a difference to the result? No. Is it making these days of waiting a little easier? Yes. Will it mean an even bigger disappointment if the cycle turns out to be unsuccessful? Probably.

6dp3dt

3 days after the transfer (& lots of bedrest, a mani/pedi, facial & massage later) we came back to Seoul. I know flying is not particularly advised so soon, but my Bloke had to get back to work and I have been careful not to do any heavy lifting.

So, it's back to routine and feeling like nothing has happened. I have been looking back through my blog posts from my last transfer and experienced the same feelings then - I think the sensation of 'Now that's all over, what next?' is almost intensified by undergoing treatment in another country. My home here in Seoul has no links to the treatment (or to our infertility, in some ways), so it's easy to feel remote from it all.

But, of course, it is still on my mind. I have decided to give in to temptation and am Googling every possible little symptom I may or may not be feeling - hey, why not?! And what are these (imagined?!) symptoms:

• Cold and sore throat - sadly this one is very real. Yesterday felt rubbish, but am a little better today. Sneezing a lot and a runny nose. Of course, searching for this will turn up some women with these symptoms in the 2ww who were pregnant, but I don't really think they're connected.
• Upset stomach - this is something I suffered during our last 10 day wait. But, just as last time, this could be due to my nerves as my stomach is very sensitive to my being anxious.
• Occasional tummy twinges - or maybe I'm just tensing up & imagining them!
• Occasional breast twinges

As before, these can all be explained away by the progesterone ( 3 tablets a day, plus transvaginal gel before bed - hooray for no injections this time!) or by nerves etc. The only way to know will be that upcoming test.

I've made an appointment at a fertility centre for Friday afternoon. Oh, the joy of being able to ring and speak to someone in English! And make an appointment! And get results by phone instead of hanging around for hours/pushing to the front of a frenzied crowd of women! I will get the blood results Saturday morning and I'm still deciding when to POAS. I'm a little tempted to test every day until then, just to see. But I can't get early response tests here, so not sure if there'd be much point. I'll either test Friday or Saturday morning. I'm veering towards Saturday - we tested on a Saturday last time and at least then my Bloke will be with me for the day, either way. But will the clinic think I'm weird if I haven't tested at home already? And would they have me POAS there?! I really don't want that, but I guess I could say no.

I'll think about it & you'll probably be the first to know :)

Another 10 day wait begins.

Sorry for the delayed absence - my grand plans of blogging in the evenings after Baby B went to bed were scuppered when I realised that Blogger is now blocked in China by the internet firewall. I had downloaded software to get round the wall (live without Facebook for a couple of weeks, no thank you!), but it didn't work.

And to be honest, for the week that I was in China without my Bloke, I was so tired by the evenings that I don't think any posts would have been very coherent!

But, the short story is that all went well. After a couple of weeks of taking estrogen at home, I went back to the clinic in China for a check-up. My endometrium was a little thin (6mm), so I was prescribed a higher dose of estrogen and some aspirin. 3 days later & 3 more mm! So the transfer was booked and my Bloke arrived to look after Baby B.

This time the transfer was less eventful (and less comical) than last time. There were 7 of us waiting for transfers & the egg collections and IUIs are always done first, so I knew it'd be a long wait. And, for some reason, the foreigner is always done last. The procedure itself was fine - I felt a little more poking than last time, but it wasn't uncomfortable (I'd thought that after squeezing one baby out of there, there'd be a bit more room for manoeuvre, but apparently not!). As I lay on the table, the nurse went to the window to collect the embies and I heard her say 'Waiguoren' which is a slang term for Foreigner - lucky I was the only one there that day!

Then they were in & the nurse had me sign that I'd received 2 Grade 7 embryos - kind of like signing for a registered delivery! Baby B (and his unsuccessful partner embryo) were both Grade 8 and I knew our other embies were lower grades, but I was quite happy with that.

An hour lying in the recovery room watching 'Toy Story' on my phone (Baby B's current favourite) and I was sent home.

Melting & thawing...

So we have begun! As usual, things have not been entirely straightforward over the last week, as our FET cycle has started but, considering we are doing an 'international' cycle involving a stay in another foreign country, things could certainly have gone worse.

The short version (not something I'm good at)... We went to China and braved the nearly 40 deg heat (hence the melting in the title). I went to the hospital while my Bloke attempted to entertain Baby B who didn't seem to stop sweating during our entire visit. We started our FET on cycle day 2, which basically involved bloods, scan, Pap smear & signing all the paperwork and getting the medication. I was expecting to need scans or bloods every couple of days and perhaps injections, but no. I was given tablets (estrogen-based) and told to come back in 2 weeks!

So, in a last minute rush as my Bloke was preparing to go to the airport for a flight back to South Korea, we packed, changed flights and went with him. There seemed little point in staying there for 2 weeks unnecessarily, with all the costs and hassle that involved. Especially when the heat and humidity made it almost impossible for Baby B and I to get out and about easily.

And now we're back in South Korea & I'm left feeling as if those few days back in China were a dream... Did we really go? Did I actually go back to the hospital where I spent so much time a couple of years ago? Am I really in the middle of a treatment cycle? Well yes, yes & yes, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I'm not really expecting any medication side-effects from the estrogen. I've read that tiredness can be one, but I generally feel pretty tired by the end of the day anyway (and have taken to lunchtime naps whilst Baby B sleeps recently too!), so I'm not sure I'd notice a difference. But there's always the bloating, so I'll keep an eye out for that.

Otherwise, it's back to 'normality' for a couple of weeks - well, except for the continued bare-faced lying to most people about why we're suddenly back after expecting to be away 3 or more weeks. (My Bloke's work commitments is the cover excuse I'm using). And why we're going back again. (Not getting to see most of my friends in China because they were all travelling - that bit's actually true).

So, fingers crossed for the drugs to do their thing (prepare my endometrium) & for our little embies thaw to go well and see you soon China - don't go anywhere :)

Not just a numbers game.

Turns out that, although I wrote this a few weeks ago, it never published - oops!

When I reread my last post, I realized it sounded very much like a business plan - all talk about numbers, timing, locations (and that's without getting started on the cost of it all). But that's not what building our family is about, even if this route makes it feel that way.

Until a few months ago, I was still breastfeeding Baby B, if only before bed, and having another baby was very far from my mind. A friend and I talked about it and I remember telling her that I couldn't imagine it - pregnancy and a newborn whilst running after an incredibly active toddler? Crazy!

Then I stopped breastfeeding.

Which I was happy to do after 15 months. And Baby B seemed fine with it too - no problems sleeping, no boob groping, no growth decline.

And then the pangs started.

The lingering looks at pregnant bellies. The mooning over ultrasound images & newborn pictures.

And the hoping... The irrational hopes when my period was a day late. The counting back to whether my Bloke & I had got it on around ovulation time. And that sin of sins for the hopelessly hopeful infertile - the Googling of 'implantation bleeding'. 

*just a little side note to myself here - it's not implantation bleeding. It never has been, it never will be. It's your period.*

I guess those baby-making hormones are more powerful than I realized. I really never expected to feel this way again. I never expected the return of that longing. I never expected the return of that jealously as my Mum friends start planning & falling pregnant with #2, making it all sound so simple.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't the same as before. The desperation isn't there. The pain is dulled to the point of a mild ache, only making itself known in quiet, alone times - of which I have few these days & I am eternally thankful for that. But it's still there. That pain. That 'Why me? Why us?'

So, do I want another baby because it makes sense? Because we have frosties that need using up, like you'd grab a frozen lasagne that had been sitting in there a bit too long? No.

I want another baby because I can't imagine not being pregnant again. I can't imagine not holding our newborn child in my arms again. I can't imagine Baby B growing up without a sibling. And that's why we're doing it all over again.

Going back to move forwards

Thanks to those who read my last post - knowing I still have at least a couple of readers does encourage me to try and update more regularly. To answer some questions from one of those readers, here's the #2 plan...

After IVF #1, we had 4 frosties left in the freezer in a public hospital in China. My Bloke went back on a business trip and extended our 'freezer rental' until Spring 2014. At least, we think he did... One of the joys of the language barrier is never being 100% sure exactly what's going on! He also extended his work contract here in Seoul until Summer 2014. 

So, if we plan to try and use those frosties, we have a limited amount of time in which to do so. It's possible we could keep them in the freezer for longer. It's possible we could be in Asia for longer. But maybe not. And I'm only getting older... 

So later this month Baby B and I will be heading back to China for 3-4 weeks for an FET. My Bloke will be joining us for the beginning and end of the trip, assuming all goes to plan. And, as far as we're aware from the questions he asked on his last visit to the hospital, that plan is a natural FET, starting with tests on Day 2 of my cycle.

Of course, there are so many uncertainties about the type of FET, the timing, the medication, etc, etc, that we could turn up at the hospital and be sent away again. We may not even still have frosties safely chilling on ice. But turn up there we will.

Here we go again...

Well, I'm back. Back blogging after more than a year and with no expectation of anybody reading this after so long! But blogging always started as my sanity-saver... a way of getting all my feelings, thoughts, hopes and fears out of my head into a place where I could try and deal with them in a more manageable way & that's what I need again now.

I'll keep this post short, but if anyone is reading this, it probably won't surprise you to discover why I'm back. No, I'm not miraculously pregnant. But my Bloke and I are going for baby number 2. I won't say we're ready for number 2 - I'm not sure I ever would be. But, ready or not, here we come :)

More details to follow soon.

One Year On...

Well, it's exactly a year since this post, the amazing day when I got my first (and possibly only ever) BFP. In some ways it seems like just yesterday and, in others, it feels like a million years ago given how different my life is now in so many ways.

For a start, I now live in a new city, in a different country. I put this first because the move happened first, not because it's more important than the other big change in my life - the arrival of Baby B.

Baby B is now almost 4 months old and it's been an amazing, rollercoaster ride. I say rollercoaster, not because there have been highs and lows, but because the whole ride has been accompanied by screaming, laughter, hysterics... all whilst feeling completely out of control, but loving every minute! Here is Baby B a couple of weeks ago, flashing one of his cutest smiles.

And here he is watching TV, his new favourite thing.

Baby B, my Bloke and I are doing well. Of course, there have been challenges with feeding and sleeping and getting used to the responsibility of taking care of this little fella 24/7, but on the whole, he is a happy, smiley, fairly predictable baby. He is still exclusively breastfed and I'm enjoying the special time together that this gives us. However, I'm also looking forward to a time (not for a good while yet) when I can leave Baby B with my Bloke or another caregiver without having to worry about pumping enough milk for him and him taking it from a bottle (so far, so good on that front).

Anyway, I'm in danger of starting to waffle about all the ins and outs of a day/week/month with Baby B and I have decided that this is not what I want for this blog. This blog was, if not a lifesaver, then certainly a sanity-saver during our infertility diagnosis, treatment and the journey to Baby B. I don't feel it's appropriate for it to turn into a parenting/baby blog, even though I love reading those of my fellow infertility-sufferers who are now parents. So, for now, this blog will be closed. 

Of course, our infertility is not 'over'. We still have 4 frosties sitting in a freezer in China which we apparently have to use by April 2013 because the clinic only keep them for 2 years. This would mean attempting to get pregnant again when Baby B is only just over 1 year old... not sure if this is what we want yet, but no decisions have been made. Maybe we will be content with our one precious boy... Maybe I'll fall pregnant naturally (no expectations of that here!).... Maybe I'll end up back in China next year getting those lovely progesterone shots again and keeping everything crossed for another miracle BFP. Only time will tell...

So goodbye for now and thank you for all your support over the last 18 months :) I'm hoping for the best for all of you and your families.

Baby B's Birth Day

After thinking on it, I've decided that baby boy will remain baby boy, or Baby B for short. As he lies asleep beside me, I'll take this chance to record his birth story.
I'm sure the hormones have given me selective memory and/or dulled a lot of sensations I felt during the labour and delivery, but I can only look back with happiness at the whole experience. Beware, this post has got long and detailed.. I won't be offended if you stop here!

Monday evening, 5 pm (40 + 2)
We finally finished repainting and cleaning the glider chair for the nursery. I'd been joking that Baby B was waiting for it to be done before he would make his appearance! And, no joke, as I stood up from finishing, I felt my first contraction! I wasn't sure if they were real or fake so I didn't tell my Bloke. I just practiced my Hypno breathing and waited. They kept coming so I started timing them.. Seemed to be about 6-7 minutes apart which made me think they must be practice ones because they wouldn't start so close together!

8pm
Contractions still coming - I needed more concentration to breath through them. Told my Bloke and decided to get in the bath.

8.30pm
Got in a lovely hot bath.. Felt amazing and almost immediately my waters broke a little! Decided to call our Doula and she told me to get out of the bath and try to sleep for a couple of hours because my contractions still seemed a little irregular and it could be a long night. But when I lay down, I had some big gushes of waters so decided to go to our birthing clinic to get checked out as Baby B didn't seem to be moving well. We could always go home again if nothing was happening.

9.30pm
Arrived at our clinic and got an NST and vaginal exam (1st during all pregnancy!)... Turns out I was 3cm dilated with contractions 3 minutes apart! We all agreed I wasn't going home! I had antibiotics through a heparin lock IV, my Doula and her trainee arrived and then it was into the birthing tub.

Fast forward about 6 hours!...
I spent the night in the tub with my Doula and/or trainee and/or my Bloke keeping me calm, helping me breath and relax. I have little memory of these contractions.. Don't remember any 'pain' though.

4am
This is based on what I've been told because I lost all concept of time! I felt the urge to push and used Hypno birth breathing to try and 'breath the baby down and out'. I was 10cm at this point. Apparently he was moving down well, but after an hour I was so tired that my 'pushes' weren't having much effect (despite being fed raisins and energy drinks by my Bloke). The OB and midwife came in and got me to squat, holding onto 'ropes' above me. (Before that I was sort of floating on my back.) One contraction and a few big pushes in this position had Baby B crowning! Back onto my back, one more contraction, some intense pressure and stretching and he was born! Baby B was placed on my chest whilst we waited for the cord to stop pulsating - I felt the cord and cut it when it stopped.

After this it was out of the bath into our room to birth the placenta and Baby to have skin to skin time with Daddy. Then breastfeeding with help from our Doula and midwife whilst the Dr examined me. I had a small tear but didn't need stitches and I'm healing well :)

Thanks for persevering if you got this far :)  Here is our little guy propped up on my Boppy on my lap.

Beautiful baby boy :)

Sorry for the delay in posting but our gorgeous baby boy arrived safe and well at 5.59am on Tuesday January 24th after a relatively quick and calm water birth. I'm still deciding whether to post his name and photos, so for now he remains baby boy!

He is perfect and we are in love :) Now the challenges of breastfeeding and sleep (or lack of it!) begin....

More soon... Well, when I get time!

Happy Due Date to me!

So the big day is here and our little guy isn't! Of course, I always knew that there was a good chance he wasn't going to arrive before now, but there's always hope! And so many of my IRL and blogging first time Mums have had their babies a little bit early that I thought I might join that club. And don't get me wrong... I am happy for him to stay in there as long as he needs to be fully ready, but I am also incredibly impatient to meet him.

And how am I progressing physically? Any closer to his arrival? Well, my clinic is very natural-oriented and doesn't do internal exams unless necessary and not before 41-42 weeks usually, so I have no idea what my uterus is doing from that respect. I do know that I've been having more obvious practice surges (Braxton Hicks contractions... but in Hypnobirthing we don't call them that!). At first I think I wasn't able to identify them, but now I can recognise the tightening, sometimes closely followed by baby wriggling like crazy. I tend to get these in the evening when I'm making dinner or around that time if I've lost all motivation to cook ;) A few nights I've woken to cramps in my lower belly - very similar to mild menstrual cramps. They don't last long and changing position and relaxed breathing usually helps. My Doula says these are also 'practice surges'. But I've had no 'show' or evidence of real progress, so all is just conjecture at the moment.

One weird thing is that I've felt overly emotional for the last day or two, just on and off. For example, Thursday was a busy day for me and I couldn't face cooking by the time I got home, but I'd pretty much not cooked all week so was feeling guilty. I called my Bloke to see whether he minded sandwiches again and, of course he didn't (he'd be a fool to demand a cooked meal when I'm big enough to sit on his head and suffocate him if he complained). I got off the phone and felt so relieved that I actually cried... real tears! I was so happy that I could sit on the couch and rest rather than having to stand in the kitchen and cook something! Now this could just be the relief of a large, tired pregnant woman, but I'm hoping it means my hormones are changing and 'things are happening'....

This weekend is a holiday for the Lunar New Year so my Bloke is off work until Wednesday and we are both hoping that baby makes the most of those days and arrives soon. If not, I have another OB check-up on Thursday with the now-usual NST and scan to check amniotic fluid. If all is fine, then I'm pretty sure they'll let me go another week before any intervention. I am really hoping that isn't necessary...

And to try and encourage this little guy along, I am now:

• having acupuncture and taking herbs - I started the acupuncture to help with my back (which it has) and my Dr is known for easing and inducing labour through his techniques, so I'm currently seeing him 3 times a week
  
• eating spicy food, though we do pretty often anyway, so not sure how much difference it will make
  
• nipple stimulation - just started this so we'll see how it goes
• walking as much as possible - my OB recommends up to 3 hours a day, but that's never going to happen with my sore pubic bone and shooting nerve twinges into my lady parts. I feel I've made the effort if I get the bus/metro to my various Drs appointments, rather than taxis!
• attempting sex as much as possible (which so far isn't that often, but we do our best!)

The rest of my time is occupied with practicing my hypnobirthing relaxation techniques and spending time with friends and their newborns, so I can pick up some tips on what the heck to do with this little guy once he finally makes his much-anticipated appearance :)

Counting the days...

As the last days (hopefully days rather than weeks!) of this pregnancy slip away, I've had a realisation. But before I start, I want to be clear that I am not at all worried or stressed or pessimistic about the labour and birth - either the process or the outcome. Since getting upset talking to my doula, I'm feeling much calmer - I think I just needed her to know how we got to this point and, now she does, the stress has lifted. We also did another fear-release exercise at our meeting last week and I think that was useful.

But the realisation is that I still can't actually imagine having our own baby in my arms in the space of a few hours/days/weeks at the most.  I've thought about it and realised that the IF journey contained so many processes that had no 'outcomes', that I've got used to that.

We tried naturally - nothing happened.
We had testing - nothing happened.
We had IUI after IUI after IUI - nothing happened.
We had IVF - at last, something happened!

But though I've been enjoying this pregnancy immensely and feel so grateful to have that opportunity, I'm half expecting it to be another process which I go through and there is no 'result' at the end.  Like something to tick off the list - 'well, we've done that, what next?'...

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else and it's hard for me to express without giving the impression that I'm worried about the arrival of our little guy, which I'm not. Maybe I'm just impatient to reach the end of this stage of our journey and meet the baby boy we've waited so long for (and I'm writing that with a smile and not a tear in sight!).

Green-eyed monster... now, hang on a minute!

This will probably come across as a weird post to write on Christmas Eve, but I guess it's as good a time as any to have an IF revelation. (But I'll keep it short....)

A good friend here in my new city home gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 1 week ago. Her and her husband also had some fertility treatment to achieve and maintain this pregnancy after TTC and miscarriage. I saw them in the week and am over the moon for them and their new family. They have started a photography project to follow baby girl's early days and post a photo of her online each day.

I was just looking at the latest photos and, guess what, I felt jealous... real, stone-cold jealousy that they get to hold and love this gorgeous little girl. The same jealousy that I've felt so many times over the last few years. And I felt this whilst sitting here, 36 weeks pregnant, with a bonny baby boy kicking and wriggling away inside of me.

Don't get me wrong.. I realised what was going on and I.....well....decided to write this post and am now feeling completely back to normal.  But I guess IF never does really go away, does it?

IF Hangover

Just when I thought I was in a place of complete peace and calm about this pregnancy and even the route we took to get here, IF jumps up to bite me on the ass.  Don't get me wrong, I am still enjoying this pregnancy and very much looking forward to the arrival of our baby baby in (possibly) a few weeks :)

But, as I've suggested in previous posts,  I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.

All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.

But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place.  Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place?  Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?

For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).

So much to be thankful for....

As you probably know, I'm from the UK so Thanksgiving is not a holiday I would normally celebrate. Throw in several years in Asia and, although I have many friends who do celebrate this special day, there are not usually many outward signs that this past Thursday means anything at all.

But a gift from my fellow blogger at Mac & PC has inspired me to write a little something about what I have to be thankful for this year.  Thanks so much to Miss Mac for the Liebster Blog award.... Miss Mac's was one of the first blogs that I followed when we were starting our IF journey. We ended up having similar treatment types and our IVF cycles happened around the same time. It was reassuring to be able to follow her cycle as it progressed just a little bit ahead of mine and compare notes! Then came her wonderful BFP, shortly followed by my own :)  It has been equally reassuring, but somewhat more joyful to be able to follow her pregnancy and I look forward to continuing to follow the story of her new and long-awaited family.

The above says a lot about what I have to be thankful for this year. 2 IUIs, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and and an IVF cycle in the past 12 months (not counting the tests and treatment before that) brought us the BFP and the pregnancy that we wanted so desperately and had been waiting for. The last year also brought my Bloke a new job and resulted in our move from China to South Korea. My last post describes my current feelings of happiness, joy and calm, but it didn't say how thankful I still am and will always be for being in this fortunate position.

Now it's time to spread the love and recognise other bloggers that I follow by awarding them the Liebster blog award. Instead of the suggested 5, I'm just picking 3 who could really do with your love and support at the moment as they face different challenges in their IF and pregnancy journeys:

1. Princess Wahna Bea Mama
2. Cats with Passports
3. New Year Mum

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love (if you have chance... I know you all have a lot going on right now):  

• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
• Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

30 weeks... aka 'How did I get here?'... aka 'Did all that really happen?'

I hit 30 weeks last weekend and it feels like such a milestone. Now we'll be counting in 3- something weeks, it makes the arrival of our baby boy seem so much more imminent. And how are we doing? Very well, I think. As I write, baby boy is stretching,  which seems to involve feet pushing under my ribs on my right side and fingers poking very low down on my left side which always makes me jump! He seems to be at the stage where he is big enough for me to feel every movement in a major way, but not so big that his space to wriggle around is limited.  And I'm doing well - have been taking iron supplements for the anaemia which are hopefully working, but I'll find out at our monthly check-up tomorrow :)

Lately I've been feeling so well physically and so happy and settled emotionally that all we went through to get here almost seems like a dream.  Did I really go through all those tests and surgery?  Did I really give myself all those injections? Did I really have all those blood tests? Did I really spend all those hours (and hours and hours) sat in that Chinese fertility clinic?  Did I really go to that clinic every morning for 10 weeks after the BFP for the progesterone shots they wouldn't let me do myself?  It all seems so far away and so long ago...

That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies.  I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.

But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.

That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.

On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies.  But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)

Things I've discovered this week

In no particular order:

• Baby boy has hair! We could see it on our ultrasound which is amazing to me :)  He also likes sucking his toes - lovely!
• I'm a bit anaemic - my haemoglobin levels came back a little low, so I'm on iron supplements for now. Maybe this explains why it takes me an age to walk up a flight of stairs!  
• I'm emotionally unstable when hungry and/or tired and have a tendency to take it out on my Bloke :(  To be fair, this is not really a new thing... my Bloke has always said that I'm like a baby when I need food or sleep - nothing else matters until I'm satisfied!  Pregnancy has just made it 100 times worse! Sunday was spent eating and napping interspersed with periods of pestering my long-suffering man to bring me more food/complete tasks I'd set/be quiet so I could nap! But once fed and a bit less sleepy, I was back to my usual (?!) cheery self!
• I seem to be looking bigger than my now 6 months (27 1/2 weeks)... yesterday my yoga teacher asked me how many WEEKS I had left! We both agreed that my bump has expanded significantly in the last week and I have felt it in the last couple of days - I have felt stretched and tight around the bottom of my bump and baby boy has been moving less which seems to correspond with growth spurts. This morning I feel more comfortable and baby boy is back to his usual breakfast acrobatics :)
• I have started nesting early... this weekend I was seized by an uncontrollable desire to order a lot of baby stuff online. Partly this was prompted by a great sale on the JC Penney website (one of the few sites that ship internationally as standard) and partly by hormone insanity... 'I have to have that rug and I have to have it NOW' :)