30 weeks... aka 'How did I get here?'... aka 'Did all that really happen?'

I hit 30 weeks last weekend and it feels like such a milestone. Now we'll be counting in 3- something weeks, it makes the arrival of our baby boy seem so much more imminent. And how are we doing? Very well, I think. As I write, baby boy is stretching,  which seems to involve feet pushing under my ribs on my right side and fingers poking very low down on my left side which always makes me jump! He seems to be at the stage where he is big enough for me to feel every movement in a major way, but not so big that his space to wriggle around is limited.  And I'm doing well - have been taking iron supplements for the anaemia which are hopefully working, but I'll find out at our monthly check-up tomorrow :)

Lately I've been feeling so well physically and so happy and settled emotionally that all we went through to get here almost seems like a dream.  Did I really go through all those tests and surgery?  Did I really give myself all those injections? Did I really have all those blood tests? Did I really spend all those hours (and hours and hours) sat in that Chinese fertility clinic?  Did I really go to that clinic every morning for 10 weeks after the BFP for the progesterone shots they wouldn't let me do myself?  It all seems so far away and so long ago...

That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies.  I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.

But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.

That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.

On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies.  But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)