Another 10 day wait begins.

Sorry for the delayed absence - my grand plans of blogging in the evenings after Baby B went to bed were scuppered when I realised that Blogger is now blocked in China by the internet firewall. I had downloaded software to get round the wall (live without Facebook for a couple of weeks, no thank you!), but it didn't work.

And to be honest, for the week that I was in China without my Bloke, I was so tired by the evenings that I don't think any posts would have been very coherent!

But, the short story is that all went well. After a couple of weeks of taking estrogen at home, I went back to the clinic in China for a check-up. My endometrium was a little thin (6mm), so I was prescribed a higher dose of estrogen and some aspirin. 3 days later & 3 more mm! So the transfer was booked and my Bloke arrived to look after Baby B.

This time the transfer was less eventful (and less comical) than last time. There were 7 of us waiting for transfers & the egg collections and IUIs are always done first, so I knew it'd be a long wait. And, for some reason, the foreigner is always done last. The procedure itself was fine - I felt a little more poking than last time, but it wasn't uncomfortable (I'd thought that after squeezing one baby out of there, there'd be a bit more room for manoeuvre, but apparently not!). As I lay on the table, the nurse went to the window to collect the embies and I heard her say 'Waiguoren' which is a slang term for Foreigner - lucky I was the only one there that day!

Then they were in & the nurse had me sign that I'd received 2 Grade 7 embryos - kind of like signing for a registered delivery! Baby B (and his unsuccessful partner embryo) were both Grade 8 and I knew our other embies were lower grades, but I was quite happy with that.

An hour lying in the recovery room watching 'Toy Story' on my phone (Baby B's current favourite) and I was sent home.

Melting & thawing...

So we have begun! As usual, things have not been entirely straightforward over the last week, as our FET cycle has started but, considering we are doing an 'international' cycle involving a stay in another foreign country, things could certainly have gone worse.

The short version (not something I'm good at)... We went to China and braved the nearly 40 deg heat (hence the melting in the title). I went to the hospital while my Bloke attempted to entertain Baby B who didn't seem to stop sweating during our entire visit. We started our FET on cycle day 2, which basically involved bloods, scan, Pap smear & signing all the paperwork and getting the medication. I was expecting to need scans or bloods every couple of days and perhaps injections, but no. I was given tablets (estrogen-based) and told to come back in 2 weeks!

So, in a last minute rush as my Bloke was preparing to go to the airport for a flight back to South Korea, we packed, changed flights and went with him. There seemed little point in staying there for 2 weeks unnecessarily, with all the costs and hassle that involved. Especially when the heat and humidity made it almost impossible for Baby B and I to get out and about easily.

And now we're back in South Korea & I'm left feeling as if those few days back in China were a dream... Did we really go? Did I actually go back to the hospital where I spent so much time a couple of years ago? Am I really in the middle of a treatment cycle? Well yes, yes & yes, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I'm not really expecting any medication side-effects from the estrogen. I've read that tiredness can be one, but I generally feel pretty tired by the end of the day anyway (and have taken to lunchtime naps whilst Baby B sleeps recently too!), so I'm not sure I'd notice a difference. But there's always the bloating, so I'll keep an eye out for that.

Otherwise, it's back to 'normality' for a couple of weeks - well, except for the continued bare-faced lying to most people about why we're suddenly back after expecting to be away 3 or more weeks. (My Bloke's work commitments is the cover excuse I'm using). And why we're going back again. (Not getting to see most of my friends in China because they were all travelling - that bit's actually true).

So, fingers crossed for the drugs to do their thing (prepare my endometrium) & for our little embies thaw to go well and see you soon China - don't go anywhere :)

Going back to move forwards

Thanks to those who read my last post - knowing I still have at least a couple of readers does encourage me to try and update more regularly. To answer some questions from one of those readers, here's the #2 plan...

After IVF #1, we had 4 frosties left in the freezer in a public hospital in China. My Bloke went back on a business trip and extended our 'freezer rental' until Spring 2014. At least, we think he did... One of the joys of the language barrier is never being 100% sure exactly what's going on! He also extended his work contract here in Seoul until Summer 2014. 

So, if we plan to try and use those frosties, we have a limited amount of time in which to do so. It's possible we could keep them in the freezer for longer. It's possible we could be in Asia for longer. But maybe not. And I'm only getting older... 

So later this month Baby B and I will be heading back to China for 3-4 weeks for an FET. My Bloke will be joining us for the beginning and end of the trip, assuming all goes to plan. And, as far as we're aware from the questions he asked on his last visit to the hospital, that plan is a natural FET, starting with tests on Day 2 of my cycle.

Of course, there are so many uncertainties about the type of FET, the timing, the medication, etc, etc, that we could turn up at the hospital and be sent away again. We may not even still have frosties safely chilling on ice. But turn up there we will.

Welcome to ICWL!

My story is pretty much explained in the timeline on the right, but I guess this might be a good time for a disclaimer. This blog started as a record of our journey through fertility treatment in China, where we've been living for nearly 4 years.

In the time since I started blogging, our story has moved on... from fertility treatment to pregnancy and soon, from China to South Korea. But, while the title of this blog might seem a little inaccurate, it's not. We're still infertile and still struggling with the hangover of the last 3 years of TTC, whilst trying to celebrate and enjoy this much-desired pregnancy.

Thank you for stopping by - if you leave a comment, I'll come and visit your blog and say Hi!

At last :)

Despite the trip to crazytown and the lack of positivity in the past few days, it has happened. I got my BFP!!

This morning started out very stressful (I feel so stupid saying this now..). I woke up at 5.30am when my alarm was set for 7. I got to the clinic at 7.10am, not realising that they don't really get going till 8.30, not 8am on Saturdays. So I was first in the queue for my blood test and had lots of time to freak out whilst sitting alone (I hadn't made my Bloke get up to go with me). I had stuck to my plan of not testing, but was now desperate to get home and do that test, whatever news it held.

I basically ran home almost in tears after the test.. my Bloke was awake and asked how I was doing.. bring on the waterworks! After crying and telling him how scared I was, we did the HPT together. Watching that window was the strangest sensation. The control line was clear and dark immediately. Then I thought I saw a test line... my Bloke agreed. We watched it develop and darken over the next couple of minutes, with me repeating 'Crap, crap, crap' over and over again (you wouldn't believe I actually have a great vocabulary, would you?!). By the end of 5 minutes, there was no doubt there were 2 lines. I apologise, but I was intending to post the picture because it's the only BFP I've ever had and I still can't believe it's real. But it won't upload so maybe that's the world's way of telling me that the blog-reading public don't need to see a piece of plastic that I've peed on ;)

After more swearing and hugging, my Bloke and I just looked at each other, stunned. We decided to try and stay calm until the results of the beta came in (here, please interpret 'stay calm' as me watching Glee whilst staring at photo of HPT every other second).

At the clinic, the Doctor confirmed it "You have pregnancy". I pretty much snatched the test results out of her hand:

Beta 1: 176!

She seemed very happy with this, but then came the inevitable China moment. I don't get another beta test for a week! I can't get another till next Saturday! Can you believe that?! This actually prompted me to say the words I'd always sworn not to... "But in the UK and US...". My pleas for an earlier test were ignored. Apparently if the beta were lower then they would repeat it earlier, but as mine is considered good, it's routine to wait a week. I know that's reassuring but still.. I wouldn't mind a bit more reassurance, earlier!

So how am I feeling now? Stunned really. Happy, definitely. I don't think it's sunk in yet. I called to tell my best friend in Shanghai and have yet to tell anyone else. I'll probably tell my Mum this weekend because she knows we should have finished our cycle and I haven't spoken to her for a few weeks, as she's been away. In some ways I wish I hadn't been so open about the cycle with her, as I don't want to get her hopes up too early. I'm still considering bending the truth a little and telling her next week if the 2nd beta is OK. Because I know there is so far to go yet. I know there's so much that could go wrong. Having to wait a week for another beta and then 2 weeks until a 7 week scan will be difficult. But all I can do for now is be happy, hopeful and positive :)

Thanks so much to everyone who posted comments and sent emails saying that you were thinking of me. It really does mean a lot and makes the waiting more bearable and the joy of today even more special. I am thinking of those who are yet to see their own BFP and know how difficult these announcements can be. But I have always (OK, most of the time) taken joy from other's IFers success stories, so I hope this will help more than it hurts. That, at least, is the intention.  xxx

Brace, brace, brace...

Disclaimer... this is the post I wrote yesterday and couldn't post. Update on results coming later when we're back from the clinic... keep everything crossed for us!

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and advice on my last post. I’ve been finding the last few days pretty tough to be honest (when am I ever anything else in this blog!). I know that this is not unusual.. Zita West has a survey of 2ww diaries in her book, where women rate their level of positivity on a 1-10 scale over the 2 weeks and the vast majority of women feel less and less positive as the days go by.  But it’s hard to cope with because, although I know nothing is different now compared to 1 week ago, that there is no less chance of me being pregnant now than then, my emotions don’t follow logic!

I’ve also been feeling off physically which hasn’t helped in a number of ways. Warning -TMI approaching…  I’ve had pretty horrible diarrhea for about 3 days which makes me not keen on eating, although I still feel hungry, when I’m not feeling a bit queasy.  Of course, I am analyzing every twinge and unusual bowel movement (not literally, in case you were wondering how far my crazy has gone…) in the hope that they are early pregnancy signs. I still rationally know it is unlikely I’d be feeling so bad, so early. I also have a nervous stomach in general and these kinds of symptoms are the first thing that happen when I’m stressed out.  And this bout did start around the time that I started mentally flipping out. So, in all likelihood, nerves are the cause and those are not going away until tomorrow at least.  But, of course, this hasn’t stopped me Googling the hell out of every possible symptom combination! And, of course, there are plenty of women who have these as early symptoms, but they are also side-effects of progesterone so, what d’ya know? Nothing means anything, as always!

As you know, my Bloke has been away nearly all week. When he went, I was pretty sane. In the days that he’s been gone, I’ve traveled into crazytown. Hence his surprise when I started crying down the phone to him last night. He hates it when I do this (we did 2 years long distance, so it’s happened before!). He hates that he’s not there to comfort me. He never knows what to say and knows that only a hug will stand any chance of making me feel better. He doesn’t understand how I’ve gone from so positive to so negative in a matter of days. He thinks that being positive and saying it will all be OK, will make it so. Failing that, he offered to buy me something nice… in this case, that’s just not going to cut it! He’s back tonight and is probably currently bracing himself for the emotional onslaught awaiting him.

Meanwhile, I am bracing myself for tomorrow. I will probably go with my original plan and POAS before getting my blood test results. At that point, whatever the outcome, I need to start calming down because my heart (in more ways than one) can’t cope with this constant feeling of panic for much longer…

The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

10 day wait...

Good news everyone! I was totally freaking out yesterday morning as we waited to find out if any of our 12 eggs had fertilised, particularly with the panic over my Bloke's 'sample freshness'. I woke up super early and just lay there with a billion thoughts going round my head.. We got to the clinic at 9am and didn't have to wait too long before getting the news from the nurse initially..

6 embryos!!

The doctor confirmed it and that they would transfer 2 that day and freeze the other 4. I was really pleased with this number (kind of feels like an understatement!) :)  I'd been trying to be cautious and hoping that we would get at least 1 to transfer, so this was unexpected. We were sent to get meds and then told to go home and come back at 1ish because the board was rammed with loads of procedures to be done that day and, luckily we live close enough to go to and fro. I couldn't keep the grin off my face for the rest of the morning :)

Back to the clinic at 1pm. Now the water-drinking/bladder-emptying saga began. I knew I had to drink some water for the ultrasound, but I didn't really know when the transfer would be, so when to go to the toilet? Consequently I spent the hour or more that we waited dying to go to the bathroom and trying not to think about it... which is impossible because it becomes all you can think about. The nurse came over and told me to drink water and I couldn't explain that I already had, so I had to drink more...

I finally get called in.. no Bloke to keep me company, no hand-holding or chanting in China... I get into the stirrups and am just praying I won't empty my bladder on the Doctor. The ultrasound lady says something to the Doctor and she comes over to ask me if I need the toilet.. she was concerned that I wouldn't be able to hold it whilst resting after the transfer. We agreed that I needed to empty it a bit, thank goodness! Now I know that this is normal. I've read about it on other blogs. But I'm assuming that in other countries you get to go to the bathroom?! Not in China. I had to squat right there, over the medical waste bucket that sits between the stirrups to collect the used surgical gloves, tissue bed covers etc. With 2 nurses and the Doctor looking on. Talk about pressure! I was trying to stop myself laughing which at least reduced the stress that had been starting to build (along with my bladder pressure). I

It just occurred to me that maybe I should have warned you guys about the content of this post? My apologies if anyone finds this topic TMI :)

In the end I had to squat twice with an ultrasound inbetween to check the volume! Strangely enough, the comedy value of this totally helped to calm me down and the rest of the transfer went fine and was very quick. I didn't get to see the embryos and we don't get a photo, but we found out that the 2 transferred are Grade 8 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best quality). I was reassured by the Dr and the porter, as he wheeled me to the recovery room, that this was very good!

A 90 minute rest accompanied by podcasts of my favourite funny radio shows (prompted by this research) and I'm sent home. I popped to Dr F for my acupuncture and then spent the evening watching comedy shows with my Bloke.

Now the 10 day wait until my beta test begins... :)

Wait and see..

To cut to the chase.. there's some good news and some unknown news.

The good.. we got 12 eggs! Out of 14 follicles!  That was a real surprise. I was thinking I'd be happy with maybe 5-7, so when I came round and the nurse told me in Chinese how many we got, I thought I'd misunderstood. But it was confirmed by the Doctor :)
I know that quality not quantity is the key, which leads onto...

The unknown... we have no idea of the quality or whether they have fertilised... They do things differently here (why am I not surprised?!) - we basically get no news until we go back to the clinic on Tuesday. We will then find out if there are any embryos, the quality and, if there are and my body is deemed ready, we will have the transfer immediately.  The only thing the Dr said is that, from the size of the follicles, they would hope they are mature, but I know that's no guarantee.
In some ways, maybe this is better than getting blow by blow updates. At least this way there is no rollercoaster of good news followed by bad news or vice-versa. For the next 2 days, all we can do is be happy that we got a few eggs and hope for the best :)

So, how was the procedure and the day itself? Pretty damn good, I have to say. We got to the clinic early and the other girl having collection that day was already there... she has 'adopted' me because we've ended up on the same schedule and she's the only one who'll persevere at trying to understand my bad Chinese! So, if all else fails, I just follow her around :)

My new friend and I got called through at about 9ish and she had clearly been instructed by the nurse to make sure I took my knickers off when changing into my procedure pyjamas! Luckily, after 3 IUIs, I knew what to expect!  She was called in first and I got to sit in a room next door to the procedure room and hear what was going on... her chatting with the nurse and Doctor, her heartbeat on the monitor, the quiet as she was put under. After 30 minutes or so, it was my turn and I couldn't wait by that point..is that weird?!

The anesthetist had a little trouble getting the drip in the back of my hand and went for the forearm in the end, but that wasn't too bad. Then he said, 'there might be pain because of the medicine' and brandished a syringe full of white stuff at me. Not sure he got my sarcastic comment of 'Oh, good!'. Then my face started getting pins and needles, I got a funny taste in my mouth and that was it. Next thing I knew, I was waking up and felt absolutely fine!

After half an hour or so, I was allowed to go and get changed and didn't have any discomfort at all which I was surprised by. I found my Bloke and we saw the Doctor to confirm the number of eggs (yes, really 12!). She explained about the transfer procedure, I got my progesterone and off home we went. They don't really let people do their own IM shots, so I'll be popping back to the ER to get mine for the next couple of days.

I spent the rest of the day on the sofa. I did start feeling sore later in the day - going up and down stairs to the bathroom was a bit tiring, but I slept well and today I feel fine :)

So now the waiting begins.. or I should say continues, because this whole process is about waiting, isn't it? There's nothing I can do now, except for an acupuncture session with Dr F tomorrow and hope for good news on Tuesday...

The journey moves on.. literally!

The eagle-eyed amongst you might have noticed that the title of my blog has changed a little... That's because, soon, I will no longer be infertile in China... Don't get too excited, I'll still be infertile :)
But my Bloke and I are leaving the Middle Kingdom and moving to South Korea!

Surprised?! So were we!

I can't pretend that this only happened today.. my Bloke is not a diplomat / spy / hitman... he doesn't get a coded message telling him to board a flight to Moscow within the hour. A little while ago he was asked to apply for a senior position within the same company - a jump that he'd thought was too big for him to make. Of course he applied and a couple of weeks ago, he was offered the job. In Seoul. Did I mention that it's in Seoul? That's in Korea. I've never been to Korea. And every time my Bloke has returned from a business trip there, he has complained about how much he doesn't like Seoul. But the job is an amazing opportunity and the ridiculous grin on his face when he told me about it was enough for me to want it for him, as much as he wanted it.

So we're moving to Korea (did I mention that?). My Bloke just got his contract through which is why I now feel 'safe' posting this.

We shared a moment of laugh-out-loud hysteria recently when we realised what we were doing... not the move itself, but combining a move to a new city and country, a new, probably very stressful job for him with a potentially life-changing IVF cycle. In a list of stressful life events, where do you think this lot would rate?!

More on the move to come... but I'd like to take this chance to thank Kat at I'm Very Far Away for all her help, info and support so far - I gave her an advance heads-up seen as we'll be moving into her hood ;)

Right now I'm probably in stirrups or the recovery room after the egg collection. Hopefully there are a few good eggs (at least) getting down and dirty with a few (hundred thousand) fast little swimmers.... Now's not the time to be bashful, guys and girls... you know you want to...

PS: I chose this pic because how many couples manage to get through a house move with blissful smiles on their faces like these two?! 

First stimming update!

I'm back from my first ultrasound and blood test on this, day 5 of stimming.... the results are in:

Estrogen: 275
L: follies at 12 and 11 plus some small
R: follies at 12, 11, 10 plus some small
Endo: 8mm

So how am I feeling? Pretty happy, I think! I was perhaps hoping for a few more follies, but that was probably unrealistic. My antral follicle count a couple of cycles ago was about 10-12 but I didn't know how reliable a measure that was/is. So for some reason, I was hoping for 15 follies which might well be physically impossible!

Now I'm just hoping that some of those small ones (Doctor said about 2-3 each side) join their big brothers and sisters and get in the game :)

Main reason for my sense of peace right now is my endometrium... I know that 8mm is the minimum recommended for transfer (at least, that's what Zi.ta We.st says) and, in my previous IUIs, I only got to 8mm the day before the procedure with the help of estrogen tablets. You may remember that one Dr said I would need a D&C before having IVF because my endo was so thin.. or at least aspirin and viagra. But today the Dr (a different, more experienced one) was completely happy with my 8mm :)  And hopefully it will continue to grow all nice and warm and soft ready for an embie or 2!

So I'm continuing with the same meds and feeling optimistic. Maybe the acupuncture with Dr F is really having an effect, both on my endo and my mood... I've never felt this chilled out about something so incredibly important to me :)

By the way, the picture is one I sneakily took at my clinic. You can see the guys and gals gathering round the consultation room window hoping to get seen first. Inside this room there was probably a woman in stirrups and/or being given life-changing news... better than TV, eh?!

What a Good Friday! So far...

Thanks so much to New Year Mum from A Year On... Our New Beginning (hopefully) for including me on her awards list!! These are my first awards and I was very grateful and excited to receive them!

As tradition demands, I need to do the following:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award (above)


2. Tell 7 things about yourself....

1. I currently live in Shanghai.. for some reason, I've never listed the city where I live, only the country. I think I was feeding off my husband's concerns that one of his colleagues will stumble across this blog and work out who we are from this extra piece of information!
2. I'm a Coeliac... that is I have Coeliac disease which is an autoimmune disorder caused by an allergy to gluten. In theory this hasn't caused our infertility, but fertility issues and miscarriages can be a symptom if you're not eating gluten-free. I've been gluten-free (as much as is possible in China) for about 5 years and hoping it's no longer a factor in our IF journey.
3. I love to read... a lot.. anything. I'm a member of a book club and enjoy a lively debate (if it can turn into a real argument, even better!) about the merits (or lack thereof) of any kind of literature.
4. I'm a Gemini, but have inherited my Mum's Virgo tendencies... hence my need for extreme organisation and advance planning.
5. I love crap TV... my guilty pleasures are American Idol, The Biggest Loser (USA and Australia, though I have to have Bob & Jillian to feel truly satisfied..) and I have recently started watching The Bachelor... I blame my IVF 'resting'...
6. My bloke and I are both 1 of 4 children and are the only ones in a serious relationship/married out of all 8 siblings... pressure for grandchildren... uh, just a bit!
7. I've developed a secret love for country-pop artists (bear in mind here that I'm British...).. give me some Taylor Swift, Lady Antebellum or Dixie Chicks and I'm happy :)

3. Award other bloggers 

For The Versatile Blogger awards it's 15 'recently discovered bloggers' and for the Stylish Blogger Award it's 10 - 15 blogs 'you feel deserve this award'. Now I struggle to keep up with all the fantastic blogs out there, so will go for my favourite 10 to begin with... Please choose one or both awards :)

Kat from I'm very far away...

Miss Mac from Mac and PC

Princess Wahna Bea Mama from The Princess and the Pee Stick

EBC from Our New Plan A

Marilyn from Trying to Conceive

Maddy from Late for a very important pregnancy

Lori B from The Journey to Baby Belgard

Annie from Cradles and Graves

Elphaba from Yolk

Jay from The 2 Week Wait

4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers and let them know they've won :))

I'm going to do this asap but wanted to publish this post before going back to the clinic for my 1st stimming ultrasound and blood test results... will definitely let everyone know in person when I get back..!

Wish me luck...

Welcome to ICWL!

Welcome if you're stopping by from IComLeavWe April!  Thanks for coming :)

If you're new to my blog, here's a quick-ish summary of our story...

My bloke and I are from the UK but have been living in Asia for about 10 years, the last 4 in China. After TTC for over a year, we started fertility testing and found out that my bloke's motility is fairly bad. There was also some confusion over whether my tubes were clear and if my uterus was bicornuate (shaped like 2 horns/cones). So I had an MRI (still some confusion... have I also got fibroids?!) and then a lap/hyst which showed nothing major to worry about.. a slightly heart-shaped uterus, some inflammation and mild endometriosis, but that's all. :)

We did 3 IUIs, 1 unstimulated, 2 on Gonal-F... all BFN. Then I took a couple of months off to rest, wait for spring (our clinic gets the best IVF results in Spring!),  improve my diet and have acupuncture.

Today is now day 4 of stimming (225 of Gonal-F) on our first IVF long protocol cycle after downregging with Decapeptyl (0.1mg for 2 weeks, now on 0.05mg per day).  So far, so good :)

But the story above is just the facts and figures. It doesn't convey what it's been like to go through a diagnosis of infertility, infertility testing and treatment in a foreign land where, in more ways than one, I don't speak the language. There have been frustrations, disappointments, moments of desperation and despair.. but also many moments of heartfelt gratitude for support from friends, both in real life and online. There have also been comical moments where, as my Mum always says, 'if you didn't laugh, you'd cry!'.

And how am I feeling now? Hopeful, certainly... optimistic might be pushing it (being a natural pessimist, as I am) but genuinely feeling like we're doing everything we can to give this cycle the best possible chance.

The Fertility Diet...China Doll-style

As mentioned in earlier posts, I'm currently on a 2-3 month break from treatment before starting IVF. In that time, I'm exploring other options for improving our fertility and giving us the best chance at IVF, including Traditional Chinese Medicine, primarily acupuncture and herbs. After the trauma and then hilarity of my first appointments with Dr F, he emailed me over the weekend with some promised diet recommendations.  In my last appointment, he recommended 'The Infertility Cure' (which I haven't ordered yet because I think I'll need to get it from the UK or US and the postage is as much as the book itself) and we discussed the Zita West book which I have on Kindle.*  Both include a lot of diet information and recommendations and I've been finding it hard to trawl through, process and put them into practice.

So I was looking forward to Dr F's personalised suggestions.. which are:

• pineapple - apparently it contains bromelain which helps the endometrium and implantation. As it happens, I've been chaining pineapple smoothies since an online Fertility friend recommended it so I'm up to speed on this one :)
• asparagus, black beans, adzuki beans, red beans, mung beans, eggplant, beets, bean sprouts - Ok, the asparagus and bean sprouts I can do although I don't eat them very often, but the rest?... My bloke hates eggplant (aubergine to my UK friends) so this might involve me eating large quantities of Baba Ganoush at lunch times... And the beans?!... I come from a home where I only ate pasta for the first time (not including spaghetti) in my late-teens. I thought my best friend's family were incredibly sophisticated because they regularly ate pasta shells! The only beans that I know how to cook are baked beans. In chili con carne dishes, I pick out the kidney beans because I don't like that mushy texture. I have no idea what to do with these beans and even my frantic Google recipe searching hasn't turned up much for the mung and adzuki varieties). Of course, this hasn't stopped me raiding my imported food supermarkets for all bean varieties I could find (black, red and mung beans so far). And are beets the same as beetroot?
• seaweed - Haven't admitted this one to my bloke yet.. he's from an Irish family and my mother-in-law actually posts him packages of Irish seaweed every year after they've been back home to the Emerald Isle for their summer holiday. I, of course, refuse to eat it... I will never hear the end of this once I tell him...
• shellfish--clams, oysters, mussels - No. Just can't do it.
• yams, pumpkins, pumpkin seeds - What exactly is a yam? Is it the same as a sweet potato? At least the pumpkin seeds are easy to get here in China.. now I just need to perfect the 'shove into the mouth, chew, then spit out the shells' maneuver that the locals have down to a tee.
• cherries, coconut, dates, figs, molasses, berries (as opposed to 'energetically cold' fruits: mango, watermelon, pear, cucumbers) - Berries & cherries, OK, though I'm not sure I've ever eaten an actual fresh cherry - btw, does summer fruit crumble count? I have a fab gluten-free recipe which is delicious :). Dates and figs... will I be able to buy these here in China? And what do I do with them once I have them? Need to look into this further... Molasses - ok now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that just sugar? What's the difference between that and black treacle? I ask, because I have a jar full of that in the cupboard after a disastrous ginger cookie experiment.
• turnips, watercress, dark leafy greens, potatoes, mushrooms - These seem more doable, once I get round the fact that bloke doesn't like mushrooms. Hopefully I can sneak them in without too much trouble. I don't think I've ever eaten turnip, but I know I can find it here. Not sure about the watercress, but I've already expand my dark, leafy green intake with my first purchase of Chinese kale and baby Swiss Chard yesterday (added to a chicken stir fry and used as salad leaves on a sandwich respectively... very nice).

I think it's worth remembering here that I'm already under diet restriction due to my Coeliac disease .. apparently my new TCM diet also needs me to cut out refined sugars and carbs, but at least that's easier because I can't eat most of them anyway. Though I am mourning the loss of my gluten-free baking/desserts which seem to use huge quantities of sugar and butter to compensate for the gluten-free flours :(

So how am I feeling about these suggestions? I guess if I can add any of these things into my current diet, whilst cutting down on white rice and sugars then I'll be moving in the right direction. Will I be able to incorporate all of these things into my diet on a regular basis? It seems unlikely, but I think I can live with that...

*is this coming across as an advert for Amazon? Other online book sellers and e-book readers are available..
PS - all recipe suggestions welcome!

I'll get by with a little help from my (infertile) friends.

As previously mentioned, I've been lucky enough to find friends here in China that are also going through fertility treatment. In fact, the word 'lucky' doesn't really go anywhere close to expressing how thankful I am to have found these women.

When my bloke and I found out that he had male factor problems and my status was still up in the air, I was not in a good place emotionally (did that really need saying?!). I had no idea what to do. After one disastrous clinic visit, I was close to breaking point. There is no real English-language information about fertility clinics here and my Western Dr was not very helpful. I couldn't call up the local clinics and get information because none of the nurses speak English. I found a thread on an expat forum discussing where to go for fertility treatment, but the last post was months old. I posted a message anyway.

Within a couple of weeks, I'd heard from 2 expat women considering or having treatment who were happy to meet me and share their stories, knowledge and experience. One of them literally talked me through the entire experience of registering at my local clinic... actually step by step - 'At the main entrance turn left and walk to the desk. Then turn right and take the 2nd elevator on the left...'  Without this information and help, I'm not sure how I would've moved forward.

But that's not really what this post was going to be about. Through these initial 2 contacts and the expat website, I've met a few other women going through this experience. Some have left China, some have drifted away, but the rest are now good friends. Two are now 5 months pregnant - one through IVF, one through a miraculous natural conception. This week, I had lunch with some of these friends and felt such relief at being able to talk openly and frankly about our infertility. How nice it is not to have to worry about embarrassing a fertile friend by 'oversharing' or scaring a ttc friend by talking about the pain, expense and emotional rollercoaster that is fertility treatment.

Yes, it should have been weird to meet a complete stranger and be talking about our husbands' poor motility or our weirdly-shaped uteri (?!) within 5 minutes, but it wasn't. And strangely, I've never cried on these friends, though I've sobbed on just about all the other people I've told and I know they would understand if I did. There's no logic to it and it hasn't been a conscious decision but for some reason, the tears don't come and that makes a pleasant change for me!

Of course, these 'real-life' friends are not my only support. There are the friends I have met online and who I feel just as grateful to have found. There is something so freeing about sharing feelings and experiences with those who you may never meet, but you know can empathise just as much as if you saw them every day.

So thank you to all my friends! Thank you for understanding when I'm an green-eyed, bump-envying bitch. Thank you for empathising when I'm complaining about my age. Thank you for being there in the dark moments when the path ahead is so scary and unclear. Thank you xx

Lost in Translation

Today I had one of those real 'China' moments (all expats.. please feel free to substitute China for any other country where you're not communicating in the same first language as your doctors). I had decided to go back to the clinic and make sure that we are all set for starting IVF at the end of this month. Last visit we had our chromosome blood tests and I was hoping the results would be back - they take about 4 weeks here. I see them as a box to tick and didn't expect any problems. The main reason for my visit was that I'm hoping to be away on a beach for a week at the end of March (semi-free holiday as my bloke is on a business trip) and wanted to know whether we could fit IVF around this or would we need to postpone until April.

The only male doctor was on duty and I've questioned his judgement a bit in the past - mostly because he says things I don't want to hear. But I thought I'd bite my tongue and get the visit out of the way, rather than going back another day.  I got in to see him within about 30 minutes.. I know the quiet times of the clinic now and time my visits accordingly to avoid potential 3 hour waits. He remembered me.. I might have shouted at him a bit last time when he suggested that they should scrape my endometrium, but he didn't seem to be taking it personally and was pretty friendly.  He went off to get the chromosome test results and came back clutching a piece of paper that looked like test results, all in Chinese of course, which he put on the desk between us.

Dr: The test results are not right.

Me: Not right?

Dr: No, not right. I've called another Doctor and I'm waiting for him to call me back.

Me: What do you mean 'Not right'? *(please add high-pitched, slightly maniacal voice here) Can you tell me what the problem is? (as I point at the ominous piece of paper)

Dr: Oh no.. these aren't your results! (as he moves the paper onto his in-tray) They're someone else's. Yours aren't back yet!


Cue huge sigh of relief on my part! It turns out that our results weren't in the computer system yet and he was calling the lab to check on the status of the results. Now I know that this doesn't mean that our test results will be OK, but the relief in finding out that they're NOT not right was immense :)  It seems that our results should be back in a week or so and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Another post coming later on the rest of the appointment... off to get shouted out by my Boot Camp trainer :)

A typical clinic visit.. well, typical for China!

So, CD8 and I need to pop to the clinic for an ultrasound scan... I leave it until the afternoon because all the IVF girls are there in the morning for bloods and injections so it's always busy. Hoping I can be in and out in 45 mins or so.

2pm: I go up to the clinic on the 17th floor, register then check in with the nurses. I wait to see the Dr... quite a short wait and I'm in within 30 minutes :)  And surprise, there's a follicle at 18mm already!  IUI scheduled for tomorrow.  Now the trek begins...

Get my HCG trigger shot, estrogen and progesterone prescriptions from the Dr, go down to the 2nd floor to queue and pay at the cashier.

Then have to go home to get our passports and marriage certificate because each cycle we have to 'write the file', which seems to involve a nurse sat at a special desk filling in the same forms as last time, taking more photocopies of our passports and having us sign. My bloke will have to sign tomorrow which they don't like, but they've got used to me saying that he can't get off work for the sake of 10 minutes watching someone complete a form on his behalf. Luckily I live nearby so I'm back by..

3.45pm: Back to the 2nd floor to pick up Estrogen prescription. Then back up to the 17th floor to write the file and have the HCG trigger shot... except there's a problem. I get sent back to the Dr who tells me the nurse has noticed some of my tests are over 1 year old and now out of date. I start to panic - are they going to cancel the cycle?  No problem.. I just need to have the tests now. Except it's coming to the end of the hospital's working day and I'm starting to panic again...

So back into the stirrups for a Pap smear.. The Dr gives me the long cotton bud and a slide which presumably has my cells on it. Now down to the 2nd floor again to pay, then up to the 6th floor to hand in the samples (yes, I am wandering round the hospital with a cotton bud and a glass slide looking confused and struggling to find the 3 different counters I need!). 

Now you need to know that the lifts don't stop at all floors.. so, whereas you can go from the 2nd to 17th floor, you can't get from the 6th to the 17th. I take the stairs from 2 to 6... then 6 to 11 before I admit defeat and wait for a lift to take me the last 6 floors.

I'm sweating and out of breath by the time I reach the 17th floor again. I strip off layers so I can have blood taken, which then takes a while to stop bleeding, maybe because my heart is still pumping full speed?! The nurse gives me the HSG shot in my bum and I'm done.. phew!

Home by 4.45pm... not too bad.

Will be back again at 9.30am tomorrow to start all over again.

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 3

In the end, the decision to leave work was easy. We were in the lucky (?!) position that my crappy salary made very little difference in the overall scheme of things. And the thought of waiting another 6 months or more to continue down the road to starting the family we so desperately want was too depressing.  I know for a lot of couples, this can be the standard or minimum wait to get an appointment at a clinic or get scheduled for surgery, so I appreciate that, living in China, we're very lucky to be able to get these services, almost on demand. Though we do have to pay for them or fight with the insurance company for them to pay for them.

So I handed in my notice (more or less telling the truth about why...OK, mostly less to the majority of people) and finished work in October. A few more appointments and a lot of emails between me and the insurance company later and I had my lap/hyst in November.  And the results.. all normal!  At last, some good news :)

I'll try to keep it brief from here (you may have noticed that I find that difficult!)...
1 more IUI in December.. BFN :( 
Last planned IUI underway now...

Fingers crossed for this cycle or it's onto IVF for us in Spring and, right now, that sounds OK to me.

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 2

After the experience at clinic number 1, I started to freak out.  The stress of knowing we had a problem, coupled with a lack of close friends nearby led to feelings of loneliness and isolation I hadn't experienced since leaving home for abroad several years before.

Luckily, one of the best parts of the year was ahead and I managed to connect with a few other women in my position through the internet... also expats, also living in my city, also looking for friends to share experiences, highs and lows.  Through them I found out about a clinic just round the corner from my house with a good reputation and experience with foreigners :)  Following my new friend's detailed directions, I managed to register and get to see a Doctor. Here all the Drs speak English and, although the nurses and admin staff mostly didn't, they were all (and still are) patient with my looks of confusion and queue-jumping when I needed to ask a question. :)

So next step... IUI! Although no-one could decide whether my tubes were clear, we decided to go ahead with artificial insemination during my summer vacation from work, just to see whether I could cope with the process and the clinic. Although this clinic was 100% better than the 1st one, it was still a world away from being in the UK...

• The waiting times - there are no appointments so you just turn up and wait. My record, a 5 hour wait for a 10 minute scan and consultation!
• The lack of privacy - the doors to the consulting rooms are always open and it's common for people to wander in and ask questions in the middle of your consultation. The difference at this clinic is that the Dr will usually shoo them away. But, when in the midst of having a vaginal ultrasound behind a thin curtain, hearing a male voice on the other side still makes me close my knees (as if that would cover anything if he decided to poke his head around!)
• The lack of information provided unless you ask all the right questions..
• The staring from all the local patients... foreigners from the West are perceived as being so blessed that I think it surprises them to see that we have the same problems, hopes and desires as they do.

Anyway, the 1st IUI was unsuccessful, but went well enough to convince me that I would be happy having further treatment at this clinic.  But further consultations with specialists at different 'western' hospitals were all advising me to have lap/hyst keyhole surgery to check my tubes and dodgy-shaped uterus, so a big decision was on the horizon, as I was due to go back to work shortly and couldn't pursue treatment and work at the same time....

Part 3 on it's way :)

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 1

Working out how to start this blog (and whether to start it at all) has taken me a while. But the coming of the New Year, 2011, seems like a good time to look back to 2010 and also to look forward to, hopefully, better things to come.

But still, where to start?... 2010 has been for me, not so much the Year of the Tiger, but the Year of the Horse because I have spent so much time in stirrups! Trying to fit all the events of this year into a post that anyone will have the patience to read is difficult, but I'll do my best....

At the beginning of 2010, my bloke and I had been TTC for well over a year but our insurance hadn't covered fertility testing until that point. So the year started with blood tests, swabs, scans and an HSG I'd rather forget at our foreigner-friendly international hospital. Plus sending my bloke to a local Chinese clinic to do his thing into a cup... something he was not that keen on doing.  My bloke's results were not that good, mine were unclear...  So my usual pessimism that had been telling me that something must be wrong seemed to have been accurate.. damn!

The next step was finding a fertility clinic - something that I know is stressful whatever country you're in. But the language barrier of my virtually non-existent Chinese added an extra dimension!  It didn't start well... a packed clinic with dozens of confused-looking (Chinese) couples standing around, women waiting for scans and no-one who could explain to me how to get to the Doctor I'd been referred to see. Eventually the security guard dragged me into her room, because it seemed I was being too British and assuming there was a queue!  As I sat with the Dr and divulged all our most intimate secrets, a patient came in and sat next to me... then another... then another came and stood behind me.. then a couple of male patients came in and interrupted me for the Dr to sign something. I realised that I was clearly quite used to China because it barely fazed me :)  But I knew I wasn't going back there again if I could help it....

Part 2 coming soon...