As the last days (hopefully days rather than weeks!) of this pregnancy slip away, I've had a realisation. But before I start, I want to be clear that I am not at all worried or stressed or pessimistic about the labour and birth - either the process or the outcome. Since getting upset talking to my doula, I'm feeling much calmer - I think I just needed her to know how we got to this point and, now she does, the stress has lifted. We also did another fear-release exercise at our meeting last week and I think that was useful.
But the realisation is that I still can't actually imagine having our own baby in my arms in the space of a few hours/days/weeks at the most. I've thought about it and realised that the IF journey contained so many processes that had no 'outcomes', that I've got used to that.
We tried naturally - nothing happened.
We had testing - nothing happened.
We had IUI after IUI after IUI - nothing happened.
We had IVF - at last, something happened!
But though I've been enjoying this pregnancy immensely and feel so grateful to have that opportunity, I'm half expecting it to be another process which I go through and there is no 'result' at the end. Like something to tick off the list - 'well, we've done that, what next?'...
I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else and it's hard for me to express without giving the impression that I'm worried about the arrival of our little guy, which I'm not. Maybe I'm just impatient to reach the end of this stage of our journey and meet the baby boy we've waited so long for (and I'm writing that with a smile and not a tear in sight!).
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
IF Hangover
Just when I thought I was in a place of complete peace and calm about this pregnancy and even the route we took to get here, IF jumps up to bite me on the ass. Don't get me wrong, I am still enjoying this pregnancy and very much looking forward to the arrival of our baby baby in (possibly) a few weeks :)
But, as I've suggested in previous posts, I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.
All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.
But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place. Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place? Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?
For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).
But, as I've suggested in previous posts, I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.
All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.
But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place. Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place? Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?
For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).
Thursday, 24 November 2011
So much to be thankful for....
As you probably know, I'm from the UK so Thanksgiving is not a holiday I would normally celebrate. Throw in several years in Asia and, although I have many friends who do celebrate this special day, there are not usually many outward signs that this past Thursday means anything at all.
But a gift from my fellow blogger at Mac & PC has inspired me to write a little something about what I have to be thankful for this year. Thanks so much to Miss Mac for the Liebster Blog award.... Miss Mac's was one of the first blogs that I followed when we were starting our IF journey. We ended up having similar treatment types and our IVF cycles happened around the same time. It was reassuring to be able to follow her cycle as it progressed just a little bit ahead of mine and compare notes! Then came her wonderful BFP, shortly followed by my own :) It has been equally reassuring, but somewhat more joyful to be able to follow her pregnancy and I look forward to continuing to follow the story of her new and long-awaited family.
The above says a lot about what I have to be thankful for this year. 2 IUIs, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and and an IVF cycle in the past 12 months (not counting the tests and treatment before that) brought us the BFP and the pregnancy that we wanted so desperately and had been waiting for. The last year also brought my Bloke a new job and resulted in our move from China to South Korea. My last post describes my current feelings of happiness, joy and calm, but it didn't say how thankful I still am and will always be for being in this fortunate position.
Now it's time to spread the love and recognise other bloggers that I follow by awarding them the Liebster blog award. Instead of the suggested 5, I'm just picking 3 who could really do with your love and support at the moment as they face different challenges in their IF and pregnancy journeys:
Here's how to spread the Liebster Love (if you have chance... I know you all have a lot going on right now):
But a gift from my fellow blogger at Mac & PC has inspired me to write a little something about what I have to be thankful for this year. Thanks so much to Miss Mac for the Liebster Blog award.... Miss Mac's was one of the first blogs that I followed when we were starting our IF journey. We ended up having similar treatment types and our IVF cycles happened around the same time. It was reassuring to be able to follow her cycle as it progressed just a little bit ahead of mine and compare notes! Then came her wonderful BFP, shortly followed by my own :) It has been equally reassuring, but somewhat more joyful to be able to follow her pregnancy and I look forward to continuing to follow the story of her new and long-awaited family.The above says a lot about what I have to be thankful for this year. 2 IUIs, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and and an IVF cycle in the past 12 months (not counting the tests and treatment before that) brought us the BFP and the pregnancy that we wanted so desperately and had been waiting for. The last year also brought my Bloke a new job and resulted in our move from China to South Korea. My last post describes my current feelings of happiness, joy and calm, but it didn't say how thankful I still am and will always be for being in this fortunate position.
Now it's time to spread the love and recognise other bloggers that I follow by awarding them the Liebster blog award. Instead of the suggested 5, I'm just picking 3 who could really do with your love and support at the moment as they face different challenges in their IF and pregnancy journeys:
Here's how to spread the Liebster Love (if you have chance... I know you all have a lot going on right now):
- Copy and paste the award on your blog
- Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
- Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
- Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
30 weeks... aka 'How did I get here?'... aka 'Did all that really happen?'
I hit 30 weeks last weekend and it feels like such a milestone. Now we'll be counting in 3- something weeks, it makes the arrival of our baby boy seem so much more imminent. And how are we doing? Very well, I think. As I write, baby boy is stretching, which seems to involve feet pushing under my ribs on my right side and fingers poking very low down on my left side which always makes me jump! He seems to be at the stage where he is big enough for me to feel every movement in a major way, but not so big that his space to wriggle around is limited. And I'm doing well - have been taking iron supplements for the anaemia which are hopefully working, but I'll find out at our monthly check-up tomorrow :)
Lately I've been feeling so well physically and so happy and settled emotionally that all we went through to get here almost seems like a dream. Did I really go through all those tests and surgery? Did I really give myself all those injections? Did I really have all those blood tests? Did I really spend all those hours (and hours and hours) sat in that Chinese fertility clinic? Did I really go to that clinic every morning for 10 weeks after the BFP for the progesterone shots they wouldn't let me do myself? It all seems so far away and so long ago...
That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies. I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.
But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.
That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.
On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies. But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)
That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies. I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.
But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.
That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.
On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies. But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
First maternity purchase!
I have bitten the bullet, shrugged off the superstition and made my first pregnant purchase (not counting my pregnancy book). I made an excursion to a couple of maternity wear shops at the weekend whilst having my energy spurt and was not inspired. The Chinese stores were as I feared... radiation smocks and huge, ugly dresses galore. They certainly made it easy not to spend too much/any money! I did find one western brand shop which had some really nice stuff, but I felt that it was a bit expensive... plus I'm just not quite ready to commit to proper maternity pants or skirts with the big elastic 'pouches'.
But a thorough internet search threw up one shop which was rumoured to stock Bella Bands! The excitement! My alternative was to order them from Hong Kong at a vastly inflated price. When I eventually found the store, I was very pleased to see they do stock them... 'them' being the key word - they had 2 in stock! Both were 1 size too big, but my friend persuaded me that one would come in handy at some point, even if it was a little big now. So I did it! I bought one! Haven't tried it on yet as the maid is here and, for some reason, the thought of trying on maternity clothes with someone else in the house makes me feel guilty... but she'll be gone in 20 minutes :)
But a thorough internet search threw up one shop which was rumoured to stock Bella Bands! The excitement! My alternative was to order them from Hong Kong at a vastly inflated price. When I eventually found the store, I was very pleased to see they do stock them... 'them' being the key word - they had 2 in stock! Both were 1 size too big, but my friend persuaded me that one would come in handy at some point, even if it was a little big now. So I did it! I bought one! Haven't tried it on yet as the maid is here and, for some reason, the thought of trying on maternity clothes with someone else in the house makes me feel guilty... but she'll be gone in 20 minutes :)
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Feeling good :)
Physically, that is! Not that I'm feeling bad mentally, but I thought I should specify! Today is one of those days when you realise how bad you must have been feeling before, because of how good you feel now that you are back to normal... does that make sense? So, in a large nutshell, I feel normal. As long as I discount the huge, bloated belly which is not subsiding and the enlarged boobs, then normal it is :)
Of course, there are always the niggles at the back of my mind that pop up when symptoms subside - is everything OK? Am I still pregnant? But those are taking a back seat today because it feels so good to feel normal! I haven't felt sick all day. My stomach actually rumbled loudly without the ever-present nausea for the first time since 6 weeks along. And, did I mention, I'm 10 weeks today! Double figures, at last! (even if my ticker at the top of this page stubbornly refuses to move to the figure 10...)
I also have a bit of energy - I've been for 2 walks today, as the weather has cooled down in anticipation of a huge storm that's on it's way. Admittedly, I could feel my thigh muscles pulsating when I got home after my walks - that's the most exercise I've done since I gave up boot camp before my IVF cycle. And these weren't hikes or anything. Just slow walks around the neighbourhood doing a few errands.
Today was also my last visit to my fertility clinic (for now, at least). My last progesterone shot is tomorrow but, as you might remember, I have to go to the local ER to get it on a Sunday. I spent a few minutes sitting at the clinic today waiting for my shot to stop bleeding and taking it all in. It's over a year since I started going there, which is not long by many couples' standards. It's strange how 'at home' I feel in a public institution where I don't speak the same language as the majority of the staff and patients and in which, when it comes down to it, I wish I had never had to set foot. But I did feel at home there. Now I'm just hoping the next time I need to go back is next Spring when I can visit with my baby to let the staff know that all their hard work and patience was worth it :)
Of course, there are always the niggles at the back of my mind that pop up when symptoms subside - is everything OK? Am I still pregnant? But those are taking a back seat today because it feels so good to feel normal! I haven't felt sick all day. My stomach actually rumbled loudly without the ever-present nausea for the first time since 6 weeks along. And, did I mention, I'm 10 weeks today! Double figures, at last! (even if my ticker at the top of this page stubbornly refuses to move to the figure 10...)
I also have a bit of energy - I've been for 2 walks today, as the weather has cooled down in anticipation of a huge storm that's on it's way. Admittedly, I could feel my thigh muscles pulsating when I got home after my walks - that's the most exercise I've done since I gave up boot camp before my IVF cycle. And these weren't hikes or anything. Just slow walks around the neighbourhood doing a few errands.
Today was also my last visit to my fertility clinic (for now, at least). My last progesterone shot is tomorrow but, as you might remember, I have to go to the local ER to get it on a Sunday. I spent a few minutes sitting at the clinic today waiting for my shot to stop bleeding and taking it all in. It's over a year since I started going there, which is not long by many couples' standards. It's strange how 'at home' I feel in a public institution where I don't speak the same language as the majority of the staff and patients and in which, when it comes down to it, I wish I had never had to set foot. But I did feel at home there. Now I'm just hoping the next time I need to go back is next Spring when I can visit with my baby to let the staff know that all their hard work and patience was worth it :)
Monday, 20 June 2011
Welcome to ICWL!
My story is pretty much explained in the timeline on the right, but I guess this might be a good time for a disclaimer. This blog started as a record of our journey through fertility treatment in China, where we've been living for nearly 4 years.
In the time since I started blogging, our story has moved on... from fertility treatment to pregnancy and soon, from China to South Korea. But, while the title of this blog might seem a little inaccurate, it's not. We're still infertile and still struggling with the hangover of the last 3 years of TTC, whilst trying to celebrate and enjoy this much-desired pregnancy.
Thank you for stopping by - if you leave a comment, I'll come and visit your blog and say Hi!
In the time since I started blogging, our story has moved on... from fertility treatment to pregnancy and soon, from China to South Korea. But, while the title of this blog might seem a little inaccurate, it's not. We're still infertile and still struggling with the hangover of the last 3 years of TTC, whilst trying to celebrate and enjoy this much-desired pregnancy.
Thank you for stopping by - if you leave a comment, I'll come and visit your blog and say Hi!
Friday, 27 May 2011
2ww?.. How about the 12ww?!
Tomorrow is our first scan - I will be 6 weeks and 1 day. And, as ever, I am getting more and more nervous as the day approaches. I'm feeling physically fine - I dither between feeling that my current relative lack of symptoms is good or bad but, logically, I know it doesn't really mean anything.
My Bloke thinks I'm crazy for being worried at each stage of this journey.. the 1st and 2nd betas, this upcoming scan... and that's even though I've managed to keep him pretty isolated from my craziness - partly due to him being in Seoul Monday-Friday and partly because I don't know if voicing my fears will help my state of mind or hinder it. Would it help to tell him all the things that could go wrong? Would it help to warn him about ectopic pregnancies, missed miscarriages and stillbirths? Would it help him understand why I still can't relax and accept that this pregnancy will actually lead to a baby? Or would it just result in two of us worrying all the time? Not that I'm a nervous wreck... I'm not. I just can't really relax and enjoy this pregnancy yet.
I'm finding it hard to plan. We need to schedule our move from China to Korea and I'm finding it hard to commit to a date. I've decided not to fly at all before 12 weeks so that's our current timeline, but part of my brain is still calculating whether, if necessary, I could fit in an FET before we leave, if we just delayed our departure a little. I haven't said this to my Bloke... he definitely would not understand this kind of negative outlook. For him, we had a goal and we've achieved it. Now it's time to move on to the next goal.. a new home for our new family.
So I've been wondering, do non-IFers who conceive naturally feel any of this? How can they remain calm when they have to wait until 12 weeks for their first scan?! It's seems absurd that you might get that BFP at 4 weeks and have to wait another 8 weeks for any real examination/confirmation.. it seems that most places in the UK don't even do a blood beta if you want your pregnancy confirmed, just an HPT.
How lovely it would be to spend these 8 weeks assuming that everything will be OK...To start picking names and designing a nursery. I'm still holding off on buying a pregnancy book and a belly band until after this scan - I just don't want to jinx it or something. And I'm not even superstitious!
Or maybe all women feel like this after seeing those 2 lines. Maybe non-IFers just don't know about the extra monitoring we receive or they would be asking for it too!
I hope this post hasn't come across as too depressing and negative. I'm not spending my days wracked with fear - I've spent most of today watching crappy TV and loving every minute! But those worries just won't leave me completely alone, particularly with such a big milestone to come tomorrow...
My Bloke thinks I'm crazy for being worried at each stage of this journey.. the 1st and 2nd betas, this upcoming scan... and that's even though I've managed to keep him pretty isolated from my craziness - partly due to him being in Seoul Monday-Friday and partly because I don't know if voicing my fears will help my state of mind or hinder it. Would it help to tell him all the things that could go wrong? Would it help to warn him about ectopic pregnancies, missed miscarriages and stillbirths? Would it help him understand why I still can't relax and accept that this pregnancy will actually lead to a baby? Or would it just result in two of us worrying all the time? Not that I'm a nervous wreck... I'm not. I just can't really relax and enjoy this pregnancy yet.
I'm finding it hard to plan. We need to schedule our move from China to Korea and I'm finding it hard to commit to a date. I've decided not to fly at all before 12 weeks so that's our current timeline, but part of my brain is still calculating whether, if necessary, I could fit in an FET before we leave, if we just delayed our departure a little. I haven't said this to my Bloke... he definitely would not understand this kind of negative outlook. For him, we had a goal and we've achieved it. Now it's time to move on to the next goal.. a new home for our new family.
So I've been wondering, do non-IFers who conceive naturally feel any of this? How can they remain calm when they have to wait until 12 weeks for their first scan?! It's seems absurd that you might get that BFP at 4 weeks and have to wait another 8 weeks for any real examination/confirmation.. it seems that most places in the UK don't even do a blood beta if you want your pregnancy confirmed, just an HPT.
How lovely it would be to spend these 8 weeks assuming that everything will be OK...To start picking names and designing a nursery. I'm still holding off on buying a pregnancy book and a belly band until after this scan - I just don't want to jinx it or something. And I'm not even superstitious!
Or maybe all women feel like this after seeing those 2 lines. Maybe non-IFers just don't know about the extra monitoring we receive or they would be asking for it too!
I hope this post hasn't come across as too depressing and negative. I'm not spending my days wracked with fear - I've spent most of today watching crappy TV and loving every minute! But those worries just won't leave me completely alone, particularly with such a big milestone to come tomorrow...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)