Getting used to the idea

Not much to report here as I'm still waiting for my 2nd beta blood test on Saturday. I'm feeling fine and my stomach problems are finally calming down, which confirms that they were due to my overactive nerves.  I don't think I feel any different... it's so hard not to 'imagine' symptoms. Things that I might be feeling if I'm not imagining them:

• Feeling warmer.. yes, the weather is quite warm but I generally still feel cold when I'm indoors, particularly my feet. This last week I get hot much quicker than usual and my feet are staying warm :)
• Feeling a bit more hungry... this could also be due to my stomach feeling better and getting my appetite back, so not sure about this one.
• Still have bigger, sore breasts but this is probably down to the progesterone shots still. This has not been helped by getting 3 mosquito bits on my right nipple (can you believe that?!).. which I can't scratch. Have you ever tried scratching your nipples? Actually, not sure I want the answer to that one ;)

I gave in and did another HPT this morning. I just woke up thinking about it and thought 'why not?!'. Pretty sure the line is darker and it definitely appeared much more quickly than at the weekend, so happy with that.

Other news.. I told my Mum the news on Sunday night. I wasn't sure whether to tell her yet or not. I didn't want to get her hopes up in case things don't go according to plan. But I'd kept her up to date on our IVF cycle and felt that I couldn't lie at this stage, because she was pretty sure to ask about it. Also I decided that, if anything did happen, I probably wouldn't be able to keep that from her anyway, so she might as well enjoy the good news. I also thought telling her was in line with the positive attitude I'm trying to cultivate :)  She was very surprised when I told her (no fancy news-breaking here... just asked her if she was sitting down before I told her!). I did point out that, since we were doing IVF, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise, but apparently she had no idea how long the whole process took, so wasn't expecting news yet. Of course, she was happy!  This will be the 1st grandchild that she is able to have in her life (long story, for another day). 

Questions from Mum and my answers:

• When's the due date? January 21st
• Will we still be in Korea then? Yes... I hadn't told her exactly how long my Bloke's contract was.. actually, still not sure myself but at least 2 years! You can see my Mum's chain of thought here.. any chance we'll be back in the UK by then?! Sorry Mum!
• Will we find out the gender? My Mum has always said she thinks people shouldn't find out the gender because it spoils the surprise. I've pointed out that, when you find out at the scan, it will be a surprise then instead! She didn't really say what she thought we should do. I've always imagined I would find out and I said this to her, but I've no idea of my Bloke's opinion. Personally, I think we can hold off on this decision for a little while!

She's agreed not to tell my siblings yet if she can avoid it. We'll see how that goes! She managed not to cry until we said goodbye and then I could hear her starting to crack... aah!

Day after HCG... Revised post

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments yesterday. At a time when I've only told 2 'real-life' people (my best friend here in Shanghai and Dr F), it's so nice to be able to share my joy with all of you.

Revised post:  I'm removing my HPT picture because I've been reminded how hard seeing them can be on others. Thanks again for your comments xx

A couple of people suggested, very sensibly, that I could go to another hospital and get a beta blood test mid week. This is definitely possible.. I could go back to my expat-type hospital and get a test there, but I don't think I'm going to. Why? Well, I'm trying to start as I mean to go on and take a relaxed, positive approach to this pregnancy. I had a freak out on Thursday (before even knowing I had a BFP) about all the things that could possibly go wrong and I know I can't spend the next (hopefully) 9 months like that. So maybe I should practice regaining my zen and wait... 

Today I'm feeling fine. I couldn't get to sleep last night and woke up early this morning. But how amazing to wake up and have that happy realisation that I'm pregnant :) Of course, those happy thoughts were then followed by an anxious check for potential symptoms! I'm still having problems with my digestion but the Dr didn't think it was connected to the pregnancy. So now I'm focusing on getting rid of this bug or whatever it is, so I can be sure any nauseous feelings are the reassuring symptom I'd like them to be!

At last :)

Despite the trip to crazytown and the lack of positivity in the past few days, it has happened. I got my BFP!!

This morning started out very stressful (I feel so stupid saying this now..). I woke up at 5.30am when my alarm was set for 7. I got to the clinic at 7.10am, not realising that they don't really get going till 8.30, not 8am on Saturdays. So I was first in the queue for my blood test and had lots of time to freak out whilst sitting alone (I hadn't made my Bloke get up to go with me). I had stuck to my plan of not testing, but was now desperate to get home and do that test, whatever news it held.

I basically ran home almost in tears after the test.. my Bloke was awake and asked how I was doing.. bring on the waterworks! After crying and telling him how scared I was, we did the HPT together. Watching that window was the strangest sensation. The control line was clear and dark immediately. Then I thought I saw a test line... my Bloke agreed. We watched it develop and darken over the next couple of minutes, with me repeating 'Crap, crap, crap' over and over again (you wouldn't believe I actually have a great vocabulary, would you?!). By the end of 5 minutes, there was no doubt there were 2 lines. I apologise, but I was intending to post the picture because it's the only BFP I've ever had and I still can't believe it's real. But it won't upload so maybe that's the world's way of telling me that the blog-reading public don't need to see a piece of plastic that I've peed on ;)

After more swearing and hugging, my Bloke and I just looked at each other, stunned. We decided to try and stay calm until the results of the beta came in (here, please interpret 'stay calm' as me watching Glee whilst staring at photo of HPT every other second).

At the clinic, the Doctor confirmed it "You have pregnancy". I pretty much snatched the test results out of her hand:

Beta 1: 176!

She seemed very happy with this, but then came the inevitable China moment. I don't get another beta test for a week! I can't get another till next Saturday! Can you believe that?! This actually prompted me to say the words I'd always sworn not to... "But in the UK and US...". My pleas for an earlier test were ignored. Apparently if the beta were lower then they would repeat it earlier, but as mine is considered good, it's routine to wait a week. I know that's reassuring but still.. I wouldn't mind a bit more reassurance, earlier!

So how am I feeling now? Stunned really. Happy, definitely. I don't think it's sunk in yet. I called to tell my best friend in Shanghai and have yet to tell anyone else. I'll probably tell my Mum this weekend because she knows we should have finished our cycle and I haven't spoken to her for a few weeks, as she's been away. In some ways I wish I hadn't been so open about the cycle with her, as I don't want to get her hopes up too early. I'm still considering bending the truth a little and telling her next week if the 2nd beta is OK. Because I know there is so far to go yet. I know there's so much that could go wrong. Having to wait a week for another beta and then 2 weeks until a 7 week scan will be difficult. But all I can do for now is be happy, hopeful and positive :)

Thanks so much to everyone who posted comments and sent emails saying that you were thinking of me. It really does mean a lot and makes the waiting more bearable and the joy of today even more special. I am thinking of those who are yet to see their own BFP and know how difficult these announcements can be. But I have always (OK, most of the time) taken joy from other's IFers success stories, so I hope this will help more than it hurts. That, at least, is the intention.  xxx

Brace, brace, brace...

Disclaimer... this is the post I wrote yesterday and couldn't post. Update on results coming later when we're back from the clinic... keep everything crossed for us!

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and advice on my last post. I’ve been finding the last few days pretty tough to be honest (when am I ever anything else in this blog!). I know that this is not unusual.. Zita West has a survey of 2ww diaries in her book, where women rate their level of positivity on a 1-10 scale over the 2 weeks and the vast majority of women feel less and less positive as the days go by.  But it’s hard to cope with because, although I know nothing is different now compared to 1 week ago, that there is no less chance of me being pregnant now than then, my emotions don’t follow logic!

I’ve also been feeling off physically which hasn’t helped in a number of ways. Warning -TMI approaching…  I’ve had pretty horrible diarrhea for about 3 days which makes me not keen on eating, although I still feel hungry, when I’m not feeling a bit queasy.  Of course, I am analyzing every twinge and unusual bowel movement (not literally, in case you were wondering how far my crazy has gone…) in the hope that they are early pregnancy signs. I still rationally know it is unlikely I’d be feeling so bad, so early. I also have a nervous stomach in general and these kinds of symptoms are the first thing that happen when I’m stressed out.  And this bout did start around the time that I started mentally flipping out. So, in all likelihood, nerves are the cause and those are not going away until tomorrow at least.  But, of course, this hasn’t stopped me Googling the hell out of every possible symptom combination! And, of course, there are plenty of women who have these as early symptoms, but they are also side-effects of progesterone so, what d’ya know? Nothing means anything, as always!

As you know, my Bloke has been away nearly all week. When he went, I was pretty sane. In the days that he’s been gone, I’ve traveled into crazytown. Hence his surprise when I started crying down the phone to him last night. He hates it when I do this (we did 2 years long distance, so it’s happened before!). He hates that he’s not there to comfort me. He never knows what to say and knows that only a hug will stand any chance of making me feel better. He doesn’t understand how I’ve gone from so positive to so negative in a matter of days. He thinks that being positive and saying it will all be OK, will make it so. Failing that, he offered to buy me something nice… in this case, that’s just not going to cut it! He’s back tonight and is probably currently bracing himself for the emotional onslaught awaiting him.

Meanwhile, I am bracing myself for tomorrow. I will probably go with my original plan and POAS before getting my blood test results. At that point, whatever the outcome, I need to start calming down because my heart (in more ways than one) can’t cope with this constant feeling of panic for much longer…

RESOLVE's Infertility Myth Challenge... 'Fantastic, you're doing IVF, so you're 100% to get a baby!'

 

Myth to be busted: People think IVF always works. Everyone who uses it is successful and has a baby.

Now I realise that this is National Infertility Awareness Week and I'm not in the correct nation, but I couldn't let this week go by without participating. This might seem a weird myth to choose to bust given that I'm in the midst of my first IVF cycle and, of course, hoping that it works for us, so we can finally start our much-wanted family. I'm also feeling pretty positive (though realistic) so there's no pessimism behind the choosing of this particular myth.

The reason I have chosen it is because I was really surprised to come up against this belief amongst some of the few friends and family members who know about our infertility struggles. Maybe it's because, by the time we embarked upon IVF, I'd done so much research that I was well aware of the odds of success. I forgot that the average woman on the street is not aware of these statistics and probably thinks IVF is a surefire way of getting pregnant. Which seems to be what my Mum, my brother and my best friend thought.

My brother's response took me by surprise but, at the time, was the positivity I needed. I told him by email and he replied saying 'Fantastic news! It's about time our family got a new addition'. Although I am the 3rd of 4 siblings, I'm the only one in a serious relationship and considered likely to produce a grandchild/niece/nephew in the near future. Maybe my brother thought long and hard about his response and opted for positivity over commiseration or sympathy.. knowing my brother, that seems unlikely! It seems more likely that he was convinced that I would soon be pregnant and the pressure to reproduce would be off his shoulders for a while! Of course, I'm still hoping this is the case... :)

My Mum and my best friend were both just really surprised when I told them the odds of success - my Mum went quiet, her typical response to something she's not happy hearing, whereas my friend was more vocal... 'Really?!' After the shock died down, they are both determined to stay upbeat and only talk about a positive outcome.. 

'So the baby will be due in Jan/Feb?.. not the best time but at least you won't be huge during summer' 

'You'll be pregnant over Christmas.. how lovely!'

'We'll start looking at flights to come and visit...'

Sometimes this approach is great.. sometimes I want to share their positivity and daydream about that BFP and a happy, healthy pregnancy and birth (can you have a happy birth?!). Sometimes I want to scream at them... 'Don't you know there's a high probability that this won't work?!!'

I reckon that to anyone reading this who is struggling with infertility, this is old news and they are well aware of the stats. So this post is more to people reading this who have friends and family on this journey... positivity is good and we need it much of the time. But remember that realism also has it's place and this journey is a marathon and not a sprint :)

Click here to learn more about infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

Click here to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week: http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.

Waiting...

You start trying to get pregnant and wait, excited, hopeful... maybe it'll happen the 1st month! Oh well, it'll happen soon, you're sure...
Depending on your situation, maybe you wait a year, maybe 2...
You decide it's time to act and arrange to go for tests. Depending on which country and area you live in, your health authority, your insurance cover or lack of it, you wait for an appointment and wait for the results... surely there's nothing wrong with us? We just need to have more sex! Wait a bit longer!...
You decide to pursue fertility treatment and, again, you wait for that appointment...

And then the treatment starts.
You wait for your period to come (all the while, hoping that it won't - that this month will bring that magical, natural BFP that means YOU won't be one of those women, one of those couples who have to go through the stress, inconvenience, expense and emotional rollercoaster that is fertility treatment)...
You start treatment - maybe IUI or IVF.. waiting each day to give yourself injections, waiting for scans to see whether those follicles are the right size, whether your endometrium is thick enough, whether you have any cysts that will stop treatment.
You get to that 'final' step - maybe embryo transfer or insemination.. if in China, you wait in the clinic, for hours maybe, for that 10 minute procedure that could change your life.
And then the 'real' wait begins.. the 2 week wait until you can test or nature tells you 'not this time'...

And that's when your mind goes into overdrive, your imagination runs wild, asking yourself endless questions, examining every physical and emotional 'difference' to spot that sign that will point to a BFP..
'Don't your nipples look a little bigger?' 'Don't they feel a little more sensitive?' 'Aren't you feeling more tired than usual?' 'Aren't you more emotional?' Couldn't that be pregnancy hormones?'  'Maybe those cold symptoms aren't really a cold?.. even though it's zero degrees outside and everyone you know has a cold'. 'Is that discharge implantation bleeding?.. It isn't necessarily your period.. even though your period has always started like that in the past...'

And then your period comes or you test, just to be sure, and that BFN appears.

And you start all over again...