Pre-collection update...

My Zen has been well and truly tested over the last 2 days and has not always stood up to the challenge which is why I've been a little quiet with the posts and updates (yesterday's was pre-written!).

All is basically fine.. egg collection is scheduled for tomorrow, HCG trigger done (more to come on that with an explanation of today's photo!), 14 follies waiting to be suctioned and we're good to go.  So why the stress?

Wednesday was just a long, tiring day. I woke up tired and it went downhill from there. I was at the clinic by 7.15am - the blood test stung and then bruised, the dildocam was uncomfortable whereas it never normally bothers me (does that make me weird/perverse?!) and I got pushed from pillar to post whilst waiting to hear if the retrieval was going to be Friday. By the time I got out it was 4pm. Taking into account that I was home between 8.30 and 10.30am, that's still 7 hours in the hospital. I came out just exhausted. Nearly cried on the phone to my Bloke telling him the plan and spent the rest of the evening on the sofa when I should have been going out to meet a new fertility friend and then to book club. But nothing 'bad' had actually happened.. I think it was just one of those days.

Yesterday went fine at the clinic.. egg collection confirmed for Saturday, got in and out relatively quickly, then home to catch up on my blogs. Which is when the meltdown occurred...  I read Princess's post and realised that my Bloke's little swimmers had not been 'refreshed' in a while.. a long while. I did a quick search to check the recommended abstinence period and that's when the panic set in. The swimmers were definitely older than the recommendations and I freaked. I called my Bloke in tears, thinking that there was nothing we could or should do because it was only 48 hours until his sample was needed, but that at least he could calm me down before my head exploded. He was a star :)  He thought it would be better to have fewer new swimmers than lots of old, potentially dead ones. He called his driver and left the office straight away to come home and 'clean out the pipes'... wonder what he said to his boss?!  In the meantime I checked the evil that is Go.ogle (I'd avoided it whilst in my panic because it was just telling me what I didn't want to hear) and lots of posts supported my Bloke's opinion. It wasn't ideal to only have 48 hours of supply for the IVF but, particularly with his motility issue, it was better than a seriously old batch.

So that's what we did.. well, he did.. I don't think me blubbering on him would have really helped the 'atmosphere'! And I'm feeling OK with our decision. But I can't believe this passed me by! I'm pretty sure I knew the swimmers shouldn't be too old and my Bloke even mentioned it to me during the week but I just let it slip somehow. After doing everything to give this cycle the best chance of success, what a stupid omission!! But, what's done is done. My Bloke went straight to the supermarket after... well, you know, after.. last night and bought up all the foods that are recommended for male fertility. He's made a fertility 'power shake' to take to the office today and here's hoping those little guys appreciate it.  Can I just take this chance to say how much I love my Bloke?! He has been amazing throughout this whole thing and my sanity would've long gone were it not for him.

So, now the Zen has returned, what the heck is the photo on this post?!  I had to go to the hospital emergency room for my HCG trigger last night as they didn't really want me to do it myself and, seeing the 3 vials that needed mixing, I wasn't too keen either. You need to know that the Chinese are obsessed with IVs.. if you have a cold, you get stuck on a drip for a couple of hours. I've even had a university student walk into a lesson carrying her drip because she didn't want to miss class! And this photo is where it all happens. The room where I needed to go to get my shot was off this room... rows and rows of chairs with people getting their saline on. My Bloke described it rather well as 'like something out of the Matrix'. Apologies for the fuzzy picture.. I was trying to snap it on my phone whilst pretending to be texting. Think I might have given myself away when the flash went off though!

Wow, this post got rather long! Better go now... got to prepare tomorrow's post for when I'm out of action. And, please check back in tomorrow because I've got some big, non-fertility-related news to share... how's that for a teaser! :)

Welcome to ILCWers

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I've been browsing, reading and commenting on more blogs than ever :)  For our story in brief, see the timeline below on the right. For more detail (and if you've got a lot of time on your hands), check out my 1st three posts from the beginning of 2011.

Welcome!

Damn it! I should've said...

What is the best response to a fertile's stupid/insensitive/rude question? Last night, I went for dinner with a new group of women, who all have food allergies, like me. They were mostly older and all but me and 1 other had children. To be fair, it took more than an hour for one of them to ask me if I wanted children (btw, this woman had already managed to get into conversation that she was nearly 40 when they decided to try for children and 'of course' got pregnant 'just like that' - please accompany with a finger-snap for the full 'rub my nose in it' effect).  I responded with my usual 'No' uttered with a fairly positive tone, but not meeting the questionner's eyes so it should be clear that the conversation was over. That didn't do the trick and it was followed up with 'Do you want them?'. And (I'm still kicking myself) I muttered a half-incoherent 'Maybe.. sometime' and looked uncomfortable. The other non-parent at the table tried to back me up with a comment about how nice it is to give them back when they're other people's, but I didn't handle it well.

So, in retrospect AND for future instances which I'm sure there will be, what should I have said? If I've said 'Yes', again without meeting anyone's eyes, would that have ended the conversation? Or would it just have invited more questions? I'm thinking "Fuck No!" accompanied by a wince and shudder would've been a more conclusive way to end the topic. There's always the option of being honest and the satisfaction of seeing how uncomfortable people look once I launch into my infertility story, but there's just no coming back from that, is there?

All suggestions welcome!

Thanks but no thanks

This post is to say thanks to all well-meaning pregnant friends/people with children who didn't go through ANY fertility issues, but are experts on the subject. I followed all your oh-so-helpful advice this month, including

• having a few alcoholic drinks, particularly vodka cocktails - apparently, all it takes is one night and a few Cosmopolitans..
• making the decision to have IVF treatment - usually, all you need to do is make the appointment and you get knocked-up..
• hanging around with women with babies - I made sure to sidle in nice & close and breathe in all those baby-making hormones from any pregnant woman/new mother that I could find..
• realxing - haven't you heard, all you need to do is relax and it will happen..

And guess what, I'm on CD1.. again.

PS.. In honour of this blog that I've recently started following  ... yes, I'm pretty sure that we're doing it right!

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 3

In the end, the decision to leave work was easy. We were in the lucky (?!) position that my crappy salary made very little difference in the overall scheme of things. And the thought of waiting another 6 months or more to continue down the road to starting the family we so desperately want was too depressing.  I know for a lot of couples, this can be the standard or minimum wait to get an appointment at a clinic or get scheduled for surgery, so I appreciate that, living in China, we're very lucky to be able to get these services, almost on demand. Though we do have to pay for them or fight with the insurance company for them to pay for them.

So I handed in my notice (more or less telling the truth about why...OK, mostly less to the majority of people) and finished work in October. A few more appointments and a lot of emails between me and the insurance company later and I had my lap/hyst in November.  And the results.. all normal!  At last, some good news :)

I'll try to keep it brief from here (you may have noticed that I find that difficult!)...
1 more IUI in December.. BFN :( 
Last planned IUI underway now...

Fingers crossed for this cycle or it's onto IVF for us in Spring and, right now, that sounds OK to me.

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 2

After the experience at clinic number 1, I started to freak out.  The stress of knowing we had a problem, coupled with a lack of close friends nearby led to feelings of loneliness and isolation I hadn't experienced since leaving home for abroad several years before.

Luckily, one of the best parts of the year was ahead and I managed to connect with a few other women in my position through the internet... also expats, also living in my city, also looking for friends to share experiences, highs and lows.  Through them I found out about a clinic just round the corner from my house with a good reputation and experience with foreigners :)  Following my new friend's detailed directions, I managed to register and get to see a Doctor. Here all the Drs speak English and, although the nurses and admin staff mostly didn't, they were all (and still are) patient with my looks of confusion and queue-jumping when I needed to ask a question. :)

So next step... IUI! Although no-one could decide whether my tubes were clear, we decided to go ahead with artificial insemination during my summer vacation from work, just to see whether I could cope with the process and the clinic. Although this clinic was 100% better than the 1st one, it was still a world away from being in the UK...

• The waiting times - there are no appointments so you just turn up and wait. My record, a 5 hour wait for a 10 minute scan and consultation!
• The lack of privacy - the doors to the consulting rooms are always open and it's common for people to wander in and ask questions in the middle of your consultation. The difference at this clinic is that the Dr will usually shoo them away. But, when in the midst of having a vaginal ultrasound behind a thin curtain, hearing a male voice on the other side still makes me close my knees (as if that would cover anything if he decided to poke his head around!)
• The lack of information provided unless you ask all the right questions..
• The staring from all the local patients... foreigners from the West are perceived as being so blessed that I think it surprises them to see that we have the same problems, hopes and desires as they do.

Anyway, the 1st IUI was unsuccessful, but went well enough to convince me that I would be happy having further treatment at this clinic.  But further consultations with specialists at different 'western' hospitals were all advising me to have lap/hyst keyhole surgery to check my tubes and dodgy-shaped uterus, so a big decision was on the horizon, as I was due to go back to work shortly and couldn't pursue treatment and work at the same time....

Part 3 on it's way :)

2010... it was the best of times, it was the worst of times - Part 1

Working out how to start this blog (and whether to start it at all) has taken me a while. But the coming of the New Year, 2011, seems like a good time to look back to 2010 and also to look forward to, hopefully, better things to come.

But still, where to start?... 2010 has been for me, not so much the Year of the Tiger, but the Year of the Horse because I have spent so much time in stirrups! Trying to fit all the events of this year into a post that anyone will have the patience to read is difficult, but I'll do my best....

At the beginning of 2010, my bloke and I had been TTC for well over a year but our insurance hadn't covered fertility testing until that point. So the year started with blood tests, swabs, scans and an HSG I'd rather forget at our foreigner-friendly international hospital. Plus sending my bloke to a local Chinese clinic to do his thing into a cup... something he was not that keen on doing.  My bloke's results were not that good, mine were unclear...  So my usual pessimism that had been telling me that something must be wrong seemed to have been accurate.. damn!

The next step was finding a fertility clinic - something that I know is stressful whatever country you're in. But the language barrier of my virtually non-existent Chinese added an extra dimension!  It didn't start well... a packed clinic with dozens of confused-looking (Chinese) couples standing around, women waiting for scans and no-one who could explain to me how to get to the Doctor I'd been referred to see. Eventually the security guard dragged me into her room, because it seemed I was being too British and assuming there was a queue!  As I sat with the Dr and divulged all our most intimate secrets, a patient came in and sat next to me... then another... then another came and stood behind me.. then a couple of male patients came in and interrupted me for the Dr to sign something. I realised that I was clearly quite used to China because it barely fazed me :)  But I knew I wasn't going back there again if I could help it....

Part 2 coming soon...