Brace, brace, brace...

Disclaimer... this is the post I wrote yesterday and couldn't post. Update on results coming later when we're back from the clinic... keep everything crossed for us!

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and advice on my last post. I’ve been finding the last few days pretty tough to be honest (when am I ever anything else in this blog!). I know that this is not unusual.. Zita West has a survey of 2ww diaries in her book, where women rate their level of positivity on a 1-10 scale over the 2 weeks and the vast majority of women feel less and less positive as the days go by.  But it’s hard to cope with because, although I know nothing is different now compared to 1 week ago, that there is no less chance of me being pregnant now than then, my emotions don’t follow logic!

I’ve also been feeling off physically which hasn’t helped in a number of ways. Warning -TMI approaching…  I’ve had pretty horrible diarrhea for about 3 days which makes me not keen on eating, although I still feel hungry, when I’m not feeling a bit queasy.  Of course, I am analyzing every twinge and unusual bowel movement (not literally, in case you were wondering how far my crazy has gone…) in the hope that they are early pregnancy signs. I still rationally know it is unlikely I’d be feeling so bad, so early. I also have a nervous stomach in general and these kinds of symptoms are the first thing that happen when I’m stressed out.  And this bout did start around the time that I started mentally flipping out. So, in all likelihood, nerves are the cause and those are not going away until tomorrow at least.  But, of course, this hasn’t stopped me Googling the hell out of every possible symptom combination! And, of course, there are plenty of women who have these as early symptoms, but they are also side-effects of progesterone so, what d’ya know? Nothing means anything, as always!

As you know, my Bloke has been away nearly all week. When he went, I was pretty sane. In the days that he’s been gone, I’ve traveled into crazytown. Hence his surprise when I started crying down the phone to him last night. He hates it when I do this (we did 2 years long distance, so it’s happened before!). He hates that he’s not there to comfort me. He never knows what to say and knows that only a hug will stand any chance of making me feel better. He doesn’t understand how I’ve gone from so positive to so negative in a matter of days. He thinks that being positive and saying it will all be OK, will make it so. Failing that, he offered to buy me something nice… in this case, that’s just not going to cut it! He’s back tonight and is probably currently bracing himself for the emotional onslaught awaiting him.

Meanwhile, I am bracing myself for tomorrow. I will probably go with my original plan and POAS before getting my blood test results. At that point, whatever the outcome, I need to start calming down because my heart (in more ways than one) can’t cope with this constant feeling of panic for much longer…