The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

Halfway house...

I'm 5 days down with 5 more to go before my beta hcg blood test and I'm in a weird state of limbo. I haven't been blogging daily because there's nothing for me to say!  I feel fine. Great, in fact. I feel back to normal, as if I've not been through IVF at all (except perhaps for a little extra weight around my middle because of lack of exercise).

Which is weird, right? I'm so used to cycles that lead to nothing, whether natural or IUI, that it feels like I'm back there again.  Not in a particularly negative way, just in a 'well, that's done and out of the way - what's next?' kind of way.

I spent the first 3 days after transfer at home, taking it easy. I only went out to get my progesterone shots at the clinic or emergency room. Friends came over and I kept myself busy with TV, books and some of my planned time-filling projects. Unfortunately my Bloke had to be in Seoul for work so I was a bit lonely, but generally I've been doing fine. I don't feel any symptoms.. the progesterone seems to be slowing down my digestion, but I've found ways to deal with that. So I feel normal. As normal as it's possible to feel when you're a week away from immense joy or huge disappointment.

So, like this blog post, the whole experience is seriously underwhelming!  In some ways, I know this is good. I feel calmer than I have during my IUI cycle 2wws. I'm not symptom-spotting and am trying to stick to my mantra 'Nothing means anything'. This is not a depressing, fatalistic, pessimistic mantra.. it's what I've tried to live by when driving myself crazy during other 2wws and applies even more now. Basically, any 'symptoms' I do experience could be due to the meds I'm on and, in all probability, I wouldn't experience any symptoms at such an early stage, even with a positive result. So, no symptoms don't mean anything bad, anymore than a possibly imagined symptom means anything good. Does that make sense?  And I know there are women out there who do experience very early pregnancy signs and I would love to be one of them, but I'm not counting on it.

The week ahead is near-filled with fun things to do.. lunches, picnics and visits to friends. This will be the first time I've seen most people since announcing our move to Korea, so conversations should be filled with that topic. Hopefully, these will help me maintain some sense of calm and stop any potential obsessing in it's tracks. Hopefully.... ;)

10 day wait...

Good news everyone! I was totally freaking out yesterday morning as we waited to find out if any of our 12 eggs had fertilised, particularly with the panic over my Bloke's 'sample freshness'. I woke up super early and just lay there with a billion thoughts going round my head.. We got to the clinic at 9am and didn't have to wait too long before getting the news from the nurse initially..

6 embryos!!

The doctor confirmed it and that they would transfer 2 that day and freeze the other 4. I was really pleased with this number (kind of feels like an understatement!) :)  I'd been trying to be cautious and hoping that we would get at least 1 to transfer, so this was unexpected. We were sent to get meds and then told to go home and come back at 1ish because the board was rammed with loads of procedures to be done that day and, luckily we live close enough to go to and fro. I couldn't keep the grin off my face for the rest of the morning :)

Back to the clinic at 1pm. Now the water-drinking/bladder-emptying saga began. I knew I had to drink some water for the ultrasound, but I didn't really know when the transfer would be, so when to go to the toilet? Consequently I spent the hour or more that we waited dying to go to the bathroom and trying not to think about it... which is impossible because it becomes all you can think about. The nurse came over and told me to drink water and I couldn't explain that I already had, so I had to drink more...

I finally get called in.. no Bloke to keep me company, no hand-holding or chanting in China... I get into the stirrups and am just praying I won't empty my bladder on the Doctor. The ultrasound lady says something to the Doctor and she comes over to ask me if I need the toilet.. she was concerned that I wouldn't be able to hold it whilst resting after the transfer. We agreed that I needed to empty it a bit, thank goodness! Now I know that this is normal. I've read about it on other blogs. But I'm assuming that in other countries you get to go to the bathroom?! Not in China. I had to squat right there, over the medical waste bucket that sits between the stirrups to collect the used surgical gloves, tissue bed covers etc. With 2 nurses and the Doctor looking on. Talk about pressure! I was trying to stop myself laughing which at least reduced the stress that had been starting to build (along with my bladder pressure). I

It just occurred to me that maybe I should have warned you guys about the content of this post? My apologies if anyone finds this topic TMI :)

In the end I had to squat twice with an ultrasound inbetween to check the volume! Strangely enough, the comedy value of this totally helped to calm me down and the rest of the transfer went fine and was very quick. I didn't get to see the embryos and we don't get a photo, but we found out that the 2 transferred are Grade 8 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best quality). I was reassured by the Dr and the porter, as he wheeled me to the recovery room, that this was very good!

A 90 minute rest accompanied by podcasts of my favourite funny radio shows (prompted by this research) and I'm sent home. I popped to Dr F for my acupuncture and then spent the evening watching comedy shows with my Bloke.

Now the 10 day wait until my beta test begins... :)

Wait and see..

To cut to the chase.. there's some good news and some unknown news.

The good.. we got 12 eggs! Out of 14 follicles!  That was a real surprise. I was thinking I'd be happy with maybe 5-7, so when I came round and the nurse told me in Chinese how many we got, I thought I'd misunderstood. But it was confirmed by the Doctor :)
I know that quality not quantity is the key, which leads onto...

The unknown... we have no idea of the quality or whether they have fertilised... They do things differently here (why am I not surprised?!) - we basically get no news until we go back to the clinic on Tuesday. We will then find out if there are any embryos, the quality and, if there are and my body is deemed ready, we will have the transfer immediately.  The only thing the Dr said is that, from the size of the follicles, they would hope they are mature, but I know that's no guarantee.
In some ways, maybe this is better than getting blow by blow updates. At least this way there is no rollercoaster of good news followed by bad news or vice-versa. For the next 2 days, all we can do is be happy that we got a few eggs and hope for the best :)

So, how was the procedure and the day itself? Pretty damn good, I have to say. We got to the clinic early and the other girl having collection that day was already there... she has 'adopted' me because we've ended up on the same schedule and she's the only one who'll persevere at trying to understand my bad Chinese! So, if all else fails, I just follow her around :)

My new friend and I got called through at about 9ish and she had clearly been instructed by the nurse to make sure I took my knickers off when changing into my procedure pyjamas! Luckily, after 3 IUIs, I knew what to expect!  She was called in first and I got to sit in a room next door to the procedure room and hear what was going on... her chatting with the nurse and Doctor, her heartbeat on the monitor, the quiet as she was put under. After 30 minutes or so, it was my turn and I couldn't wait by that point..is that weird?!

The anesthetist had a little trouble getting the drip in the back of my hand and went for the forearm in the end, but that wasn't too bad. Then he said, 'there might be pain because of the medicine' and brandished a syringe full of white stuff at me. Not sure he got my sarcastic comment of 'Oh, good!'. Then my face started getting pins and needles, I got a funny taste in my mouth and that was it. Next thing I knew, I was waking up and felt absolutely fine!

After half an hour or so, I was allowed to go and get changed and didn't have any discomfort at all which I was surprised by. I found my Bloke and we saw the Doctor to confirm the number of eggs (yes, really 12!). She explained about the transfer procedure, I got my progesterone and off home we went. They don't really let people do their own IM shots, so I'll be popping back to the ER to get mine for the next couple of days.

I spent the rest of the day on the sofa. I did start feeling sore later in the day - going up and down stairs to the bathroom was a bit tiring, but I slept well and today I feel fine :)

So now the waiting begins.. or I should say continues, because this whole process is about waiting, isn't it? There's nothing I can do now, except for an acupuncture session with Dr F tomorrow and hope for good news on Tuesday...

The journey moves on.. literally!

The eagle-eyed amongst you might have noticed that the title of my blog has changed a little... That's because, soon, I will no longer be infertile in China... Don't get too excited, I'll still be infertile :)
But my Bloke and I are leaving the Middle Kingdom and moving to South Korea!

Surprised?! So were we!

I can't pretend that this only happened today.. my Bloke is not a diplomat / spy / hitman... he doesn't get a coded message telling him to board a flight to Moscow within the hour. A little while ago he was asked to apply for a senior position within the same company - a jump that he'd thought was too big for him to make. Of course he applied and a couple of weeks ago, he was offered the job. In Seoul. Did I mention that it's in Seoul? That's in Korea. I've never been to Korea. And every time my Bloke has returned from a business trip there, he has complained about how much he doesn't like Seoul. But the job is an amazing opportunity and the ridiculous grin on his face when he told me about it was enough for me to want it for him, as much as he wanted it.

So we're moving to Korea (did I mention that?). My Bloke just got his contract through which is why I now feel 'safe' posting this.

We shared a moment of laugh-out-loud hysteria recently when we realised what we were doing... not the move itself, but combining a move to a new city and country, a new, probably very stressful job for him with a potentially life-changing IVF cycle. In a list of stressful life events, where do you think this lot would rate?!

More on the move to come... but I'd like to take this chance to thank Kat at I'm Very Far Away for all her help, info and support so far - I gave her an advance heads-up seen as we'll be moving into her hood ;)

Right now I'm probably in stirrups or the recovery room after the egg collection. Hopefully there are a few good eggs (at least) getting down and dirty with a few (hundred thousand) fast little swimmers.... Now's not the time to be bashful, guys and girls... you know you want to...

PS: I chose this pic because how many couples manage to get through a house move with blissful smiles on their faces like these two?! 

Pre-collection update...

My Zen has been well and truly tested over the last 2 days and has not always stood up to the challenge which is why I've been a little quiet with the posts and updates (yesterday's was pre-written!).

All is basically fine.. egg collection is scheduled for tomorrow, HCG trigger done (more to come on that with an explanation of today's photo!), 14 follies waiting to be suctioned and we're good to go.  So why the stress?

Wednesday was just a long, tiring day. I woke up tired and it went downhill from there. I was at the clinic by 7.15am - the blood test stung and then bruised, the dildocam was uncomfortable whereas it never normally bothers me (does that make me weird/perverse?!) and I got pushed from pillar to post whilst waiting to hear if the retrieval was going to be Friday. By the time I got out it was 4pm. Taking into account that I was home between 8.30 and 10.30am, that's still 7 hours in the hospital. I came out just exhausted. Nearly cried on the phone to my Bloke telling him the plan and spent the rest of the evening on the sofa when I should have been going out to meet a new fertility friend and then to book club. But nothing 'bad' had actually happened.. I think it was just one of those days.

Yesterday went fine at the clinic.. egg collection confirmed for Saturday, got in and out relatively quickly, then home to catch up on my blogs. Which is when the meltdown occurred...  I read Princess's post and realised that my Bloke's little swimmers had not been 'refreshed' in a while.. a long while. I did a quick search to check the recommended abstinence period and that's when the panic set in. The swimmers were definitely older than the recommendations and I freaked. I called my Bloke in tears, thinking that there was nothing we could or should do because it was only 48 hours until his sample was needed, but that at least he could calm me down before my head exploded. He was a star :)  He thought it would be better to have fewer new swimmers than lots of old, potentially dead ones. He called his driver and left the office straight away to come home and 'clean out the pipes'... wonder what he said to his boss?!  In the meantime I checked the evil that is Go.ogle (I'd avoided it whilst in my panic because it was just telling me what I didn't want to hear) and lots of posts supported my Bloke's opinion. It wasn't ideal to only have 48 hours of supply for the IVF but, particularly with his motility issue, it was better than a seriously old batch.

So that's what we did.. well, he did.. I don't think me blubbering on him would have really helped the 'atmosphere'! And I'm feeling OK with our decision. But I can't believe this passed me by! I'm pretty sure I knew the swimmers shouldn't be too old and my Bloke even mentioned it to me during the week but I just let it slip somehow. After doing everything to give this cycle the best chance of success, what a stupid omission!! But, what's done is done. My Bloke went straight to the supermarket after... well, you know, after.. last night and bought up all the foods that are recommended for male fertility. He's made a fertility 'power shake' to take to the office today and here's hoping those little guys appreciate it.  Can I just take this chance to say how much I love my Bloke?! He has been amazing throughout this whole thing and my sanity would've long gone were it not for him.

So, now the Zen has returned, what the heck is the photo on this post?!  I had to go to the hospital emergency room for my HCG trigger last night as they didn't really want me to do it myself and, seeing the 3 vials that needed mixing, I wasn't too keen either. You need to know that the Chinese are obsessed with IVs.. if you have a cold, you get stuck on a drip for a couple of hours. I've even had a university student walk into a lesson carrying her drip because she didn't want to miss class! And this photo is where it all happens. The room where I needed to go to get my shot was off this room... rows and rows of chairs with people getting their saline on. My Bloke described it rather well as 'like something out of the Matrix'. Apologies for the fuzzy picture.. I was trying to snap it on my phone whilst pretending to be texting. Think I might have given myself away when the flash went off though!

Wow, this post got rather long! Better go now... got to prepare tomorrow's post for when I'm out of action. And, please check back in tomorrow because I've got some big, non-fertility-related news to share... how's that for a teaser! :)

RESOLVE's Infertility Myth Challenge... 'Fantastic, you're doing IVF, so you're 100% to get a baby!'

 

Myth to be busted: People think IVF always works. Everyone who uses it is successful and has a baby.

Now I realise that this is National Infertility Awareness Week and I'm not in the correct nation, but I couldn't let this week go by without participating. This might seem a weird myth to choose to bust given that I'm in the midst of my first IVF cycle and, of course, hoping that it works for us, so we can finally start our much-wanted family. I'm also feeling pretty positive (though realistic) so there's no pessimism behind the choosing of this particular myth.

The reason I have chosen it is because I was really surprised to come up against this belief amongst some of the few friends and family members who know about our infertility struggles. Maybe it's because, by the time we embarked upon IVF, I'd done so much research that I was well aware of the odds of success. I forgot that the average woman on the street is not aware of these statistics and probably thinks IVF is a surefire way of getting pregnant. Which seems to be what my Mum, my brother and my best friend thought.

My brother's response took me by surprise but, at the time, was the positivity I needed. I told him by email and he replied saying 'Fantastic news! It's about time our family got a new addition'. Although I am the 3rd of 4 siblings, I'm the only one in a serious relationship and considered likely to produce a grandchild/niece/nephew in the near future. Maybe my brother thought long and hard about his response and opted for positivity over commiseration or sympathy.. knowing my brother, that seems unlikely! It seems more likely that he was convinced that I would soon be pregnant and the pressure to reproduce would be off his shoulders for a while! Of course, I'm still hoping this is the case... :)

My Mum and my best friend were both just really surprised when I told them the odds of success - my Mum went quiet, her typical response to something she's not happy hearing, whereas my friend was more vocal... 'Really?!' After the shock died down, they are both determined to stay upbeat and only talk about a positive outcome.. 

'So the baby will be due in Jan/Feb?.. not the best time but at least you won't be huge during summer' 

'You'll be pregnant over Christmas.. how lovely!'

'We'll start looking at flights to come and visit...'

Sometimes this approach is great.. sometimes I want to share their positivity and daydream about that BFP and a happy, healthy pregnancy and birth (can you have a happy birth?!). Sometimes I want to scream at them... 'Don't you know there's a high probability that this won't work?!!'

I reckon that to anyone reading this who is struggling with infertility, this is old news and they are well aware of the stats. So this post is more to people reading this who have friends and family on this journey... positivity is good and we need it much of the time. But remember that realism also has it's place and this journey is a marathon and not a sprint :)

Click here to learn more about infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

Click here to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week: http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.