I'm British and we don't really go in for showers (as far as I know, having been out of the country during just about all my friends' pregnancies!). I've also only recently built a good group of girlfriends overseas so I've been able to dodge the bullet... until now.
My friend who guided me through the mysteries of the Chinese fertility clinic is pregnant - I've mentioned her before.. she went through years of IF, several IUIs and then fell naturally and I've been seething with guilty jealousy ever since :( Of course, we're still friends and I'm finding it easier and easier to spend time with her. But the timing of this shower couldn't be potentially worse. It's at the end of May, just after my birthday and possibly around the end of our 1st IVF cycle.
Sure, if I'm pregnant, it would be great (great doesn't really sum that up,does it!). If not, whether we don't make it to embryo transfer or if we do and get that BFN, it could be horrendous. I know my friend would understand if I explained (though she's probably struggled through several of these events after negative results herself) but I wasn't planning on telling her the dates of this cycle and possibly not about the cycle at all if I can help it - I've decided to keep as much information to myself as possible, apart from family and a couple of friends.
I guess if I accept now, then that is a hopeful gesture and/or also a commitment to be brave and know that I will just need to get through it. (I could also drop out at the last minute if necessary!).
Looks like I'm asking you all for advice again... :)
My advice, based on my recent baby shower gauntlet, is to talk to your friend and, without even going into your IVF schedule, just say that you know she understands how hard these events can be for IF'ers and you know that she knows how happy you are for her and her pregnancy. Let her now that you really are looking forward to sharing her special day with her, but remind her that the rollercoaster of infertility changes daily...and ask that she allow you some flexibility without being upset if the day of the shower you realize it is one of the "down days" and you just can't do it. Remind her that you don't want to do anything that would take away from her joyous occassion and just keep telling her that you know she understands where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteSo far, taking this approach has made things run smoothly for the baby shower season. And no one has gotten upset with me. Plus...if you are up to the shower when the time comes, you have the piece of mind that comes with knowing you have a free pass from your friend if you need to leave.
I'm so glad you are back and posting again. Missed you while you were gone.
I think what you've written is perfect ... accept and then just see what happens. It's a long way off and if you're not up for it when the time comes, then just say something came up and send a gift. I've found children's books make GREAT gifts and are much easier to buy than all the usual tiny adorable baby gear.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tricky situation when you don't know where you are at yourself then. I think you have got some great advice already and talking about it openly with your friend might just be the best. She should be able to understand since she's been through the struggles herself, right.
ReplyDeleteI would RSVP yes, then cancel if you feel you can't handle it closer to the time. As someone who has also had trouble your friend should understand, surely.
ReplyDeleteSorry about my slow commenting this week :( A tricky situation... and I agree with Princess Wahna Bea Mama - talk with her and let her know how much you would want to be there... if everything works out OK, you can always go :)) Thinking of you for your first IVF cycle and with you all the way xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think you should just go with your gut on this one. If you think that talking to her about it would make you feel better, then do that. Otherwise, you can always just play it by ear and beg off if you don't feel up to it when the time comes. Sometimes things come up. Your friend (if she IS a friend) will understand.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I hope it's a non-issue because you are celebrating too.
Thanks for the advice everyone... I've accepted the invite, now I guess I'll just wait and see what happens with this cycle and how I'm feeling on the day.
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