My story is pretty much explained in the timeline on the right, but I guess this might be a good time for a disclaimer. This blog started as a record of our journey through fertility treatment in China, where we've been living for nearly 4 years.
In the time since I started blogging, our story has moved on... from fertility treatment to pregnancy and soon, from China to South Korea. But, while the title of this blog might seem a little inaccurate, it's not. We're still infertile and still struggling with the hangover of the last 3 years of TTC, whilst trying to celebrate and enjoy this much-desired pregnancy.
Thank you for stopping by - if you leave a comment, I'll come and visit your blog and say Hi!
Monday, 20 June 2011
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Starting to feel real :)
Yesterday's OB appointment was a strange, but very joyful experience. I realised that I had not been back to my 'regular' expat hospital since having my HSG and pelvic MRI there about 18 months ago. I opted to have my lap/hyst surgery at a different hospital because of the reputation of the surgeon there and I luckily haven't had any other health issues in the meantime (discounting infertility!).
As I was ushered into the nurse's room for the pre-appt questions and basic checks, I remembered all the times I'd sat there saying that my period was (very) late, but I wasn't pregnant. I remembered all the times the nurses would look enthusiastic and hopeful and say 'Well, you never know!' and then make me take another pregnancy test, just to tell me it was negative. I remembered crying as I told more than one Doctor how long we'd been trying to get pregnant and receiving a variety of answers, including the ever-helpful 'Relax and it'll happen'.
Yesterday was different. The nurse asked why I wanted to see the OB/GYN... 'Just a check-up?' and I got to say those words that still felt fraudulent 'Well, I'm pregnant!'. I got to soak in the congratulations, followed by a concerned frown when I said it was via IVF. Not sure why this was.. maybe they just don't get many IVF patients there. This theory is backed up by the nurse shouting out 'IVF, IVF' several times to the Doctor as she picked up my chart from outside the consultation room I was waiting in!
Anyway, the Doctor was nice. She is German and has the stereotypical brusque nature of this nation, but I appreciate someone who gets to the point and she was kind and listened to me which is all I ask. Before I had time to argue that I didn't want a dozen blood tests and an internal exam after having them so many times at the clinic, she pre-empted me and said she saw no need to repeat all those tests after I'd already been through so much... I was in love with her by now! (Especially as it's a private hospital and I worry about them tacking on extra tests just to make some extra cash.) She just checked my belly, asked a few questions, explained about the pre-natal tests and got me into the ultrasound room.
I then had my first abdominal ultrasound! It was so ridiculously exciting, not to have to take my pants off... does that make me weird?! The picture wasn't super clear, but there was definitely a more baby-shaped baby in there! The little one looked more like a baby with a heartbeat, as opposed to a heart attached to a blob! He/she was also measuring spot-on, at 8 weeks + 5. The highlight though was hearing the heartbeat. It brought a joyful tear to my eye which I'm sure would have progressed to full-on blubbing, except the technician moved on very quickly, so I was able to recover!
It really was amazing and the combination of that and all the above is finally making this sink in and I'm finally beginning to feel like a real (dare I say, normal?!) pregnant woman. Of course, I know there is still a long way to go and the topic of pre-natal testing is hanging around in the wings, waiting for my Bloke and I to discuss it this weekend. But all in all, yesterday was a good day!
As I was ushered into the nurse's room for the pre-appt questions and basic checks, I remembered all the times I'd sat there saying that my period was (very) late, but I wasn't pregnant. I remembered all the times the nurses would look enthusiastic and hopeful and say 'Well, you never know!' and then make me take another pregnancy test, just to tell me it was negative. I remembered crying as I told more than one Doctor how long we'd been trying to get pregnant and receiving a variety of answers, including the ever-helpful 'Relax and it'll happen'.
Yesterday was different. The nurse asked why I wanted to see the OB/GYN... 'Just a check-up?' and I got to say those words that still felt fraudulent 'Well, I'm pregnant!'. I got to soak in the congratulations, followed by a concerned frown when I said it was via IVF. Not sure why this was.. maybe they just don't get many IVF patients there. This theory is backed up by the nurse shouting out 'IVF, IVF' several times to the Doctor as she picked up my chart from outside the consultation room I was waiting in!
Anyway, the Doctor was nice. She is German and has the stereotypical brusque nature of this nation, but I appreciate someone who gets to the point and she was kind and listened to me which is all I ask. Before I had time to argue that I didn't want a dozen blood tests and an internal exam after having them so many times at the clinic, she pre-empted me and said she saw no need to repeat all those tests after I'd already been through so much... I was in love with her by now! (Especially as it's a private hospital and I worry about them tacking on extra tests just to make some extra cash.) She just checked my belly, asked a few questions, explained about the pre-natal tests and got me into the ultrasound room.
I then had my first abdominal ultrasound! It was so ridiculously exciting, not to have to take my pants off... does that make me weird?! The picture wasn't super clear, but there was definitely a more baby-shaped baby in there! The little one looked more like a baby with a heartbeat, as opposed to a heart attached to a blob! He/she was also measuring spot-on, at 8 weeks + 5. The highlight though was hearing the heartbeat. It brought a joyful tear to my eye which I'm sure would have progressed to full-on blubbing, except the technician moved on very quickly, so I was able to recover!
It really was amazing and the combination of that and all the above is finally making this sink in and I'm finally beginning to feel like a real (dare I say, normal?!) pregnant woman. Of course, I know there is still a long way to go and the topic of pre-natal testing is hanging around in the wings, waiting for my Bloke and I to discuss it this weekend. But all in all, yesterday was a good day!
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
OB appt tomorrow...
As the title says, my first non-fertility clinic appointment is tomorrow and I'm staying pretty calm. My symptoms are still coming and going - the morning nausea is a bit better, but I seem to be more tired this week. Napped on the sofa for 2 hours Monday afternoon and went to bed at 8pm last night after being out in the afternoon and missing out on a needed nap. Also felt sick all yesterday afternoon after a rather large cheese omelette for lunch (with extra bacon - please don't judge me!) - I think it was just too much cholesterol and grease for my stomach at the moment.
I still find the change in symptoms disconcerting but am hoping that my acupuncture is partly responsible for improving the nausea - after all, that's what I'm paying for!
My main concerns are now moving onto the issue of prenatal testing. Tomorrow (assuming all goes well) I will find out what kinds of testing my OB offers and we will need to make a decision about which tests, if any, we want. I've been doing some research about the different options, but still feel fairly in the dark about it all. This research inevitably leads on to speculation about what we would do in all possible outcome scenarios.
Part of me wants to know nothing at all.. to have no tests and go for the 'ignorance is bliss' approach. But realistically, that is not really me. Not having any tests would not make me stop worrying about this pregnancy. And I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be my Bloke's choice, though we haven't discussed it yet. I'm sure he would want to know if all is OK (or not). But I also worry about what he would want to do if things weren't OK and whether I would feel the same... but maybe I shouldn't post things like that when we haven't discussed it yet and I really have no idea.
Of course, the best outcome is to have the tests (some of them at least) and be told all is fine and we are low risk. But other outcomes are so possible and so scary. Of course, I am leaping ahead here. Maybe I should just focus on getting through tomorrow with good news and move on from there.
I still find the change in symptoms disconcerting but am hoping that my acupuncture is partly responsible for improving the nausea - after all, that's what I'm paying for!
My main concerns are now moving onto the issue of prenatal testing. Tomorrow (assuming all goes well) I will find out what kinds of testing my OB offers and we will need to make a decision about which tests, if any, we want. I've been doing some research about the different options, but still feel fairly in the dark about it all. This research inevitably leads on to speculation about what we would do in all possible outcome scenarios.
Part of me wants to know nothing at all.. to have no tests and go for the 'ignorance is bliss' approach. But realistically, that is not really me. Not having any tests would not make me stop worrying about this pregnancy. And I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be my Bloke's choice, though we haven't discussed it yet. I'm sure he would want to know if all is OK (or not). But I also worry about what he would want to do if things weren't OK and whether I would feel the same... but maybe I shouldn't post things like that when we haven't discussed it yet and I really have no idea.
Of course, the best outcome is to have the tests (some of them at least) and be told all is fine and we are low risk. But other outcomes are so possible and so scary. Of course, I am leaping ahead here. Maybe I should just focus on getting through tomorrow with good news and move on from there.
Saturday, 11 June 2011
Twiddling my thumbs...
I hope this title crosses the language/cultural barriers of my readers! But basically, this weekend is the first since finding out that I'm pregnant that I haven't had some major milestone appointment to occupy, worry and eventually, reassure me. 2 beta tests and 2 ultrasounds down and I have a weekend free of the rollercoaster of anticipation and panic, followed by relief and happiness. Of course, this doesn't mean that I can't manufacture my own rollercoaster to replace it. After pretty consistent morning sickness for the last 2 weeks, I have been feeling much better since Friday. The joy of not feeling sick is quickly replaced with the worry of symptoms waxing and waning and what that means (probably nothing in my most logical moments).
As for other symptoms, I'm still experiencing dizziness quite often, though that horrible near-fainting episode has not been repeated, thank goodness. I also seem to be randomly developing small patches of spider veins (or spider navi to give them their technical term - sounds like something out of Avatar to me) on my face. Thursday brought a small patch under an eyebrow which was odd, but I thought nothing of it. Only yesterday when I spotted a patch under my chin did I connect the dots (not literally, though that would have been quite fun) and realise that these could be the spider veins mentioned in my new, fabulous pregnancy book. My Mum claims that she never got them during any of her 4 pregnancies even though they can be genetic. From my reading, it makes sense that they are linked to the change in my blood flow due to the demands of the baby, which is also bringing the dizziness. My Bloke is calling the baby a 'greedy bugger' for taking so much of my blood! (I should mention here that the baby will always be a boy to my Bloke until he has physical evidence to the contrary!).
This post is in danger of drifting into nothingness... basically, my symptoms are coming and going a bit and I still find that stressful. I have my first OB appointment on Thursday and, after thinking that I had mastered this positive thinking and didn't need the reassurance of extra ultrasounds, I'm now planning to ask for one if it's not offered. At 8 weeks and 4 days, there should be interesting stuff to see :)
I still feel in a weird kind of limbo - partly because I still haven't really accepted that there is a new life growing inside me. Also, because our move to Korea is on hold until the end of the 1st trimester, I feel like I'm treading water till we get to that point. Consequently I seem to be spending a lot of time on the sofa, watching bad TV. This is fine most of the time, but kind of embarrassing when our twice-weekly cleaner comes round and I let her clean around me! Though I think she's spotted the pregnancy book with the big naked belly on the front, so I hope she's cutting me some slack!
As for other symptoms, I'm still experiencing dizziness quite often, though that horrible near-fainting episode has not been repeated, thank goodness. I also seem to be randomly developing small patches of spider veins (or spider navi to give them their technical term - sounds like something out of Avatar to me) on my face. Thursday brought a small patch under an eyebrow which was odd, but I thought nothing of it. Only yesterday when I spotted a patch under my chin did I connect the dots (not literally, though that would have been quite fun) and realise that these could be the spider veins mentioned in my new, fabulous pregnancy book. My Mum claims that she never got them during any of her 4 pregnancies even though they can be genetic. From my reading, it makes sense that they are linked to the change in my blood flow due to the demands of the baby, which is also bringing the dizziness. My Bloke is calling the baby a 'greedy bugger' for taking so much of my blood! (I should mention here that the baby will always be a boy to my Bloke until he has physical evidence to the contrary!).
This post is in danger of drifting into nothingness... basically, my symptoms are coming and going a bit and I still find that stressful. I have my first OB appointment on Thursday and, after thinking that I had mastered this positive thinking and didn't need the reassurance of extra ultrasounds, I'm now planning to ask for one if it's not offered. At 8 weeks and 4 days, there should be interesting stuff to see :)
I still feel in a weird kind of limbo - partly because I still haven't really accepted that there is a new life growing inside me. Also, because our move to Korea is on hold until the end of the 1st trimester, I feel like I'm treading water till we get to that point. Consequently I seem to be spending a lot of time on the sofa, watching bad TV. This is fine most of the time, but kind of embarrassing when our twice-weekly cleaner comes round and I let her clean around me! Though I think she's spotted the pregnancy book with the big naked belly on the front, so I hope she's cutting me some slack!
Monday, 6 June 2011
Going old school...
After a few minutes I felt better and made my way up for my shot. I contemplated finding a Doctor to tell them about it, but remembered reading that dizziness/fainting are a relatively common pregnancy symptom, so decided against it. Just after I got home, my new pregnancy book arrived by courier and that said you should tell your Doc if you feel faint or dizzy! Oops!
I figure that if it happens again I'll tell someone. What do you think? I mean after all, swooning seemed to be a diagnostic tool to tell if women were pregnant in costume dramas so it must be pretty common... or was it wearing a corset whilst pregnant that caused that? To be honest, my trousers were a bit snug so maybe that contributed...
Hooray for a heartbeat!
As you can guess from the title, it was good news at today's 7wk 3day scan! After a tortuous hour-long wait at the clinic, I was into those stirrups in a flash once my name was called and my Bloke assumed his position at my side. As soon as the Doctor got the dildocam in, there was a clear difference from the last scan at 6 weeks. The gestational sac was bigger and you could clearly see something inside it, whereas last time I couldn't see anything at all. The Doc pointed out the heartbeat and it was easy to see and flickering away nicely.. oh, the relief! It seems that they don't do any measurements at this stage at my clinic (yet again.. surprise, surprise - things are done differently here in China!) so there was no measuring of baby or heartbeat rate or any of that. She didn't point out the yolk sac and fetal pole that others have talked about, but said everything looked good.
She then 'discharged' me after giving me my instructions on how to reduce my progesterone shots and other meds over the next 2 weeks. Of course, for the time-being, I'll still be going back there every day to get my shots, so I won't be free of the place for a while yet. But I know this is a milestone and an exciting one! Knowing myself, I will probably worry a little when I finally stop those progesterone shots at about 9 and a half weeks, but generally I am feeling much more relaxed than I have been recently. It's time that I accept that this is happening. I am pregnant. And although it's still early days, I need to start being positive in my actions as well as my thoughts. For me, this means finally buying that pregnancy book and looking in the local maternity stores for belly bands. I know I'll still feel a bit of a fraud in a maternity-wear store, but maybe getting in there and making some purchases will help change that :)
She then 'discharged' me after giving me my instructions on how to reduce my progesterone shots and other meds over the next 2 weeks. Of course, for the time-being, I'll still be going back there every day to get my shots, so I won't be free of the place for a while yet. But I know this is a milestone and an exciting one! Knowing myself, I will probably worry a little when I finally stop those progesterone shots at about 9 and a half weeks, but generally I am feeling much more relaxed than I have been recently. It's time that I accept that this is happening. I am pregnant. And although it's still early days, I need to start being positive in my actions as well as my thoughts. For me, this means finally buying that pregnancy book and looking in the local maternity stores for belly bands. I know I'll still feel a bit of a fraud in a maternity-wear store, but maybe getting in there and making some purchases will help change that :)
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Another week down...
Tomorrow morning will be our 2nd scan, at just over 7 weeks and it's a big one. This is the one where we need to see the heartbeat to know that everything is OK - I've read the odd story that says some people only see a heartbeat at 8 weeks but I think that's rare and I can't imagine another week of limbo if things don't go well tomorrow. Generally I've handled this week better than last and am feeling calmer than before our first scan. That's not to say that there haven't been bad days.. I cried over mani/pedis with my best friend here in Shanghai as I told her about the 6 week scan and how hard I am finding the uncertainty of pregnancy after IF. God knows what the salon girls thought but their English wasn't every good, so hopefully they didn't know what we were talking about!
I also managed to spoil a good part of yesterday, one of the two precious days a week that my Bloke and I get together, by crying and getting angry with him.. I'm not even sure why now, but I know I had a good reason at the time! I think it was generally about him not seeming as interested in this pregnancy as I would like. Which I know is ridiculous because, when I'm having trouble accepting that it's real and these changes are happening to my body, how can I expect him to have really absorbed it yet?! I've also always known that it will only really be when he sees and holds our baby that he 'gets it', but I still can't help making the odd dig and jibe at him. Anyway, I'm sure there'll be time for another post on how I take out all my hormones on my Bloke on a regular basis so, for now, I'll leave that topic there!
Physically this week has been an interesting one. There have been definite bouts of morning sickness, though mostly not in the mornings. Mine are definitely linked to hunger. I am still ridiculously hungry, virtually all the time and find that, if I don't eat the moment I feel hungry, I feel really nauseous until I do eat. Lunchtimes have been the worst, though it has happened in the morning and evenings as well. I am also being very picky about what I eat.. I have been mostly eating chicken and potatoes/rice this week in a variety of combinations! I have also ordered takeaway a couple of times because I'm sick of trying to work out what to eat and cook it myself. Oh, that reminds me... one of the things that sparked off my fit at my Bloke... him saying that he didn't mind not going out to dinner if I didn't feel like it because he has to eat out all week in Seoul. Great, I said.. he could cook us something :) The response of 'I'm not spending my time cooking!' didn't go down very well and initiated many complaints about how he should want to take care of me at the weekends because he's away all week and I have to do everything myself whilst feeling sick. Ah, what memories!
Besides the nausea, I've also been having a few little twinges at the sides of my belly in the last couple of days. I'm hoping that this is my uterus stretching and making room for the little one. I'm also hoping that all these things combined might indicate a little growth spurt and give us something 'real' to see tomorrow at the scan. Fingers crossed!
I also managed to spoil a good part of yesterday, one of the two precious days a week that my Bloke and I get together, by crying and getting angry with him.. I'm not even sure why now, but I know I had a good reason at the time! I think it was generally about him not seeming as interested in this pregnancy as I would like. Which I know is ridiculous because, when I'm having trouble accepting that it's real and these changes are happening to my body, how can I expect him to have really absorbed it yet?! I've also always known that it will only really be when he sees and holds our baby that he 'gets it', but I still can't help making the odd dig and jibe at him. Anyway, I'm sure there'll be time for another post on how I take out all my hormones on my Bloke on a regular basis so, for now, I'll leave that topic there!
Physically this week has been an interesting one. There have been definite bouts of morning sickness, though mostly not in the mornings. Mine are definitely linked to hunger. I am still ridiculously hungry, virtually all the time and find that, if I don't eat the moment I feel hungry, I feel really nauseous until I do eat. Lunchtimes have been the worst, though it has happened in the morning and evenings as well. I am also being very picky about what I eat.. I have been mostly eating chicken and potatoes/rice this week in a variety of combinations! I have also ordered takeaway a couple of times because I'm sick of trying to work out what to eat and cook it myself. Oh, that reminds me... one of the things that sparked off my fit at my Bloke... him saying that he didn't mind not going out to dinner if I didn't feel like it because he has to eat out all week in Seoul. Great, I said.. he could cook us something :) The response of 'I'm not spending my time cooking!' didn't go down very well and initiated many complaints about how he should want to take care of me at the weekends because he's away all week and I have to do everything myself whilst feeling sick. Ah, what memories!
Besides the nausea, I've also been having a few little twinges at the sides of my belly in the last couple of days. I'm hoping that this is my uterus stretching and making room for the little one. I'm also hoping that all these things combined might indicate a little growth spurt and give us something 'real' to see tomorrow at the scan. Fingers crossed!
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