Tuesday 10 May 2011

The calm before the storm.. uh, what calm?!

My calm and zen has been gradually slipping away over the past few days.. I've been busy and having fun with friends and I'm sure that's helped during the day, but my main panic moments come in the mornings and evenings when I'm not occupied and, at the moment, mostly on my own. The last 2 days I've woken up and it's all I can think about before I'm even properly awake. I wake up anxious, my heart pounding, my brain running through all possible success and failure scenarios. Yesterday I woke up so anxious that I felt sick, which then prompted a whole bout of 'morning sickness during 2ww' internet searches. I'm still pretty sure that it's physically impossible for me to have morning sickness at 7dp3dt but that didn't make any difference in the craziness that my mind is fast becoming.

This morning there is no nausea, just pure panic. I have been away from blogs for a couple of days, but woke up this morning desperate to get to the computer and find out how everyone else in their 2ww was doing.  I was so excited and happy to see Marilyn's and the Princess's tentative BFPs :)  And then the insanity hit and I've been thinking 'how likely is it that we would all get BFPs this cycle... someone has to get that BFN and it will be me'. Oh my god, typing that has actually brought me to tears. How could I have thought that I could get through these 10 short days calmly and rationally?!

So, what to do? Well, there's nothing to do, is there?! I could test early but everything I've read says that, even if the embryo/s implant, I'd only start producing HCG today and there's no way a normal, Chinese HPT would pick it up. I could test to start coming to terms with that BFN.. in some ways I'd rather get that out of the way on my own whilst my Bloke is away in Korea. But I have lunches planned for the next 3 days and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing that test result in the morning and then putting on my smiley face and meeting friends, all of whom know about my cycle and will be waiting for news.

My original plan had been to test on Saturday morning, after getting my blood drawn and before going back to the clinic for the result. I could then prepare myself for the worst in private (with my Bloke there for support), but still be pleasantly surprised if the blood shows up positive. But that was before this craziness started. Would it be better to test earlier to give myself more time to get used to the idea that this may not be the cycle for us? Or should I just delay the inevitable as long as possible?

14 comments:

  1. I always vote for delaying the inevitable....b/c you can be PUPO until you know you aren't. Plus, the HCG still being your in system and testing too early is just too cruel. I like your original saturday plan, but not one would fault you for testing early either! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Argh - I wrote a really long, supportive post and blogger lost it!

    Well, the gist was: if you feel you need to test, test. In Melissa Ford's infertility book she has a great piece of advice which is: do whatever you need to do to get through a situation, so long as it doesn't cause problems down the line. Testing early will have no effects on the outcome of the cycle.

    If you need to test, test. If you need to cancel lunch because you feel bad, cancel. If you need to cry over your friends, cry (we've all cried and been cried on for all kinds of things). It might help to talk about it with people who know, especially with your husband away at the moment.

    Also, the success and failure of other people's cycles have no bearing on yours. (and yes, I know that's easy to say!)

    Btw, that's for your comments about my work decision. As we're in the same field it really helps to know your opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In the final sentence I meant 'thanks,' not 'that's.'

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks girls.. I'm now back from getting my jab at the clinic and feeling a bit calmer. Listened to funny podcasts there and back which helped. Seems like early mornings are worst time for me...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I waited, but it was difficult! You have to do what's best for you... please just don't count yourself out! Deep breaths and hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just wait for the blood test! I think these pee tests have made me more anxious it could be false positive. So I can not say I have a bfp just yet!

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's really tough not to know when you are so close. I agree with doing what makes you feel better at the moment. Crossing my fingers for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is like reading my own words. When it gets close to the test date I start crumbling and have exactly the same irrational thought that when other BFPs appear it makes mine more unlikely...doh! It's so hard and it sounds like you are managing better than you think.
    I'm interested in your 10 day wait compared to my full 2WW's. I used the BC IVF group guideline that said HCG would show in urine at 11dpt and used a 25mlU/ml on 12dpt, FMU, both cycles. Good luck :)...deep breaths!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I can't tell you what you should do. I followed your plan A, and tested the morning of my blood draw. I think it was a good plan for me, but I agree with all of the PP that whatever gets you through the day is the best plan. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think your originally plan is brilliant! Test after the blood draw but before the call. In suspense with you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. These 2ww's are real torture, aren't they? In response to your question on my blog regarding the estradriol level check: I don't really know why they check for estradiol and not for progesterone levels, I've never asked (I probably should) - but since it's related to a HCG shot I guess it's to improve implantation/growth chances...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well...I am no help at all because you know I have a POAS obsession...and always have. Whatever you choose, I know it will be the right decision for you. I just had a friend test at home yesterday morning, certain that it was negative, and then go for her blood test only to get a positive result on the blood test. She still doesn't regret doing the HPT...she said it made the positive that much sweeter...and that she felt prepared for a negative. Best of luck. I can't wait for your blood test result.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This part of the 2WW is so horrible... all the thoughts racing around about BFNs and symptoms - I can remember it all so clearly :( It would definitely be too early for morning sickness... I had nasty morning sickness in all 3 pregnancies but it didn't start until I was 5 - 6 weeks pregnant. It's so hard to know when to test... but testing too early can lead to so much disappointment when it might not mean a BFN. I think testing in private with you DH near, is a good idea. FXd for you every day xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm thinking about you today! Given the time difference, you are probably getting news one way or another just about now. All of my bits are crossed for a happy outcome!

    ReplyDelete