Tomorrow is our first scan - I will be 6 weeks and 1 day. And, as ever, I am getting more and more nervous as the day approaches. I'm feeling physically fine - I dither between feeling that my current relative lack of symptoms is good or bad but, logically, I know it doesn't really mean anything.
My Bloke thinks I'm crazy for being worried at each stage of this journey.. the 1st and 2nd betas, this upcoming scan... and that's even though I've managed to keep him pretty isolated from my craziness - partly due to him being in Seoul Monday-Friday and partly because I don't know if voicing my fears will help my state of mind or hinder it. Would it help to tell him all the things that could go wrong? Would it help to warn him about ectopic pregnancies, missed miscarriages and stillbirths? Would it help him understand why I still can't relax and accept that this pregnancy will actually lead to a baby? Or would it just result in two of us worrying all the time? Not that I'm a nervous wreck... I'm not. I just can't really relax and enjoy this pregnancy yet.
I'm finding it hard to plan. We need to schedule our move from China to Korea and I'm finding it hard to commit to a date. I've decided not to fly at all before 12 weeks so that's our current timeline, but part of my brain is still calculating whether, if necessary, I could fit in an FET before we leave, if we just delayed our departure a little. I haven't said this to my Bloke... he definitely would not understand this kind of negative outlook. For him, we had a goal and we've achieved it. Now it's time to move on to the next goal.. a new home for our new family.
So I've been wondering, do non-IFers who conceive naturally feel any of this? How can they remain calm when they have to wait until 12 weeks for their first scan?! It's seems absurd that you might get that BFP at 4 weeks and have to wait another 8 weeks for any real examination/confirmation.. it seems that most places in the UK don't even do a blood beta if you want your pregnancy confirmed, just an HPT.
How lovely it would be to spend these 8 weeks assuming that everything will be OK...To start picking names and designing a nursery. I'm still holding off on buying a pregnancy book and a belly band until after this scan - I just don't want to jinx it or something. And I'm not even superstitious!
Or maybe all women feel like this after seeing those 2 lines. Maybe non-IFers just don't know about the extra monitoring we receive or they would be asking for it too!
I hope this post hasn't come across as too depressing and negative. I'm not spending my days wracked with fear - I've spent most of today watching crappy TV and loving every minute! But those worries just won't leave me completely alone, particularly with such a big milestone to come tomorrow...
I hope after tomorrow you can relax a little, though I completely understand what you're saying about the worry. I never even thought about the 12 weeks that 'normal' pregnancies in the UK have to wait. I also think that you're right, if they knew how many scans and things IVF people get they would want it to.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're going to need an FET.
So true. I completely relate to what you've said about planning. I keep saying as soon the next scan is over I'll tell my Mum/order a belly band/book a flight etc. I feel with my history and a few unusual symptoms it's justified but I have asked myself the same question re. my bloke...'Would it help to tell him all the things that could go wrong?'
ReplyDeleteI think you're right IVF or any fertility problems play a huge part in how one copes with the first trimester. Also previous miscarriages.
Anyone with the above history will have a greater than average knowledge of the 'ifs'. Many people who fall pregnant without trying will not have been so exposed to the struggles some face.
It does seem that there is reassurance as each milestone is reached and that many ladies fine anxieties lessen at 12 weeks. Well, I wish you all the best for tomorrow. Looking forward to your next post. Feet up and enjoy another day of happy TV :)
you are not alone with these feelings. I have my first scan today= 6 weeks and 5 days. I have been a nervous wreck and my mom and my husband's mom has told both sides of the family. i am pissed to say the least. I am dead scared. I am keeping my fingers crossed everything goes well with your scan: I too have been very worried with every step of this journey...Infertility does this to us!
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