Fab scan :)

Today was the big day for our (early) 12 week scan. The focus of my nerves in the last few weeks has been gradually changing. After the last scan, my thoughts turned to the screening tests and all my worry-energy went on those and the possible outcomes. But as the days have gone by and the scan date approached, that same old concern reared it's head again... 'please, please, let the baby have a heartbeat - let the little one be there and be growing'.  I think I've done pretty well keeping that worry in perspective - well, if refusing to read any potentially negative outcome posts on my usual birth club forum counts as keeping things in perspective. I guess my reasoning for that is that I know what can go wrong - at this point, I need to remember how likely it is that things will go right.

Anyway, today all did go right! Our little one has certainly grown in 3 weeks :) He/she was mostly lying on his back chilling out, but waved his arms and legs and wriggled around from side to side a bit. He* also seemed to have an attack of the hiccups at one point (might have to Google if that's possible...)! We could see fingers and toes and the baby's profile - both my Bloke and I have larger than average noses, so we had a bit of a laugh about the size of his already :)

He's measuring a couple of days ahead and had a heart rate of 171 bpm! Wow, that's fast! We got to hear the heartbeat briefly which made me cry again - there's something about that sound that makes it so real for me :)

The NT measurement came in low which was reassuring. We have to wait 2 weeks now for the blood results - after being told it would take 1 week, that's a bit annoying and means the results might not come back before my Bloke goes to the UK. But there's nothing we can do about that, so I'm trying to relax.

And that's the weird thing, isn't it? If all goes smoothly, we won't have another scan for 9 weeks... That's a long time with no 'evidence' that baby is doing well. I guess a growing belly and then feeling movement are the next signs - can't wait for those to appear!

*You may have noticed that baby is usually referred to as a boy. No real reason for this, other than the fact that my good friend predicted that our IVF would be successful and that we would have a boy back in the midst of my cycle. Actually, the ultrasound tech said she thought she could see something between the little one's legs today when I asked about gender, but I know it's too early to tell :)

Starting to feel real :)

Yesterday's OB appointment was a strange, but very joyful experience. I realised that I had not been back to my 'regular' expat hospital since having my HSG and pelvic MRI there about 18 months ago. I opted to have my lap/hyst surgery at a different hospital because of the reputation of the surgeon there and I luckily haven't had any other health issues in the meantime (discounting infertility!).

As I was ushered into the nurse's room for the pre-appt questions and basic checks, I remembered all the times I'd sat there saying that my period was (very) late, but I wasn't pregnant. I remembered all the times the nurses would look enthusiastic and hopeful and say 'Well, you never know!' and then make me take another pregnancy test, just to tell me it was negative. I remembered crying as I told more than one Doctor how long we'd been trying to get pregnant and receiving a variety of answers, including the ever-helpful 'Relax and it'll happen'.

Yesterday was different. The nurse asked why I wanted to see the OB/GYN... 'Just a check-up?' and I got to say those words that still felt fraudulent 'Well, I'm pregnant!'. I got to soak in the congratulations, followed by a concerned frown when I said it was via IVF. Not sure why this was.. maybe they just don't get many IVF patients there. This theory is backed up by the nurse shouting out 'IVF, IVF' several times to the Doctor as she picked up my chart from outside the consultation room I was waiting in!

Anyway, the Doctor was nice. She is German and has the stereotypical brusque nature of this nation, but I appreciate someone who gets to the point and she was kind and listened to me which is all I ask. Before I had time to argue that I didn't want a dozen blood tests and an internal exam after having them so many times at the clinic, she pre-empted me and said she saw no need to repeat all those tests after I'd already been through so much... I was in love with her by now! (Especially as it's a private hospital and I worry about them tacking on extra tests just to make some extra cash.)  She just checked my belly, asked a few questions, explained about the pre-natal tests and got me into the ultrasound room.

I then had my first abdominal ultrasound! It was so ridiculously exciting, not to have to take my pants off... does that make me weird?!  The picture wasn't super clear, but there was definitely a more baby-shaped baby in there! The little one looked more like a baby with a heartbeat, as opposed to a heart attached to a blob!  He/she was also measuring spot-on, at 8 weeks + 5.  The highlight though was hearing the heartbeat. It brought a joyful tear to my eye which I'm sure would have progressed to full-on blubbing, except the technician moved on very quickly, so I was able to recover!

It really was amazing and the combination of that and all the above is finally making this sink in and I'm finally beginning to feel like a real (dare I say, normal?!) pregnant woman. Of course, I know there is still a long way to go and the topic of pre-natal testing is hanging around in the wings, waiting for my Bloke and I to discuss it this weekend. But all in all, yesterday was a good day!

Hooray for a heartbeat!

As you can guess from the title, it was good news at today's 7wk 3day scan! After a tortuous hour-long wait at the clinic, I was into those stirrups in a flash once my name was called and my Bloke assumed his position at my side. As soon as the Doctor got the dildocam in, there was a clear difference from the last scan at 6 weeks. The gestational sac was bigger and you could clearly see something inside it, whereas last time I couldn't see anything at all. The Doc pointed out the heartbeat and it was easy to see and flickering away nicely.. oh, the relief! It seems that they don't do any measurements at this stage at my clinic (yet again.. surprise, surprise - things are done differently here in China!) so there was no measuring of baby or heartbeat rate or any of that. She didn't point out the yolk sac and fetal pole that others have talked about, but said everything looked good.

She then 'discharged' me after giving me my instructions on how to reduce my progesterone shots and other meds over the next 2 weeks. Of course, for the time-being, I'll still be going back there every day to get my shots, so I won't be free of the place for a while yet. But I know this is a milestone and an exciting one!  Knowing myself,  I will probably worry a little when I finally stop those progesterone shots at about 9 and a half weeks, but generally I am feeling much more relaxed than I have been recently.  It's time that I accept that this is happening. I am pregnant. And although it's still early days, I need to start being positive in my actions as well as my thoughts. For me, this means finally buying that pregnancy book and looking in the local maternity stores for belly bands. I know I'll still feel a bit of a fraud in a maternity-wear store, but maybe getting in there and making some purchases will help change that :)

Another week down...

Tomorrow morning will be our 2nd scan, at just over 7 weeks and it's a big one. This is the one where we need to see the heartbeat to know that everything is OK - I've read the odd story that says some people only see a heartbeat at 8 weeks but I think that's rare and I can't imagine another week of limbo if things don't go well tomorrow.  Generally I've handled this week better than last and am feeling calmer than before our first scan. That's not to say that there haven't been bad days.. I cried over mani/pedis with my best friend here in Shanghai as I told her about the 6 week scan and how hard I am finding the uncertainty of pregnancy after IF. God knows what the salon girls thought but their English wasn't every good, so hopefully they didn't know what we were talking about!

I also managed to spoil a good part of yesterday, one of the two precious days a week that my Bloke and I get together, by crying and getting angry with him.. I'm not even sure why now, but I know I had a good reason at the time! I think it was generally about him not seeming as interested in this pregnancy as I would like. Which I know is ridiculous because, when I'm having trouble accepting that it's real and these changes are happening to my body, how can I expect him to have really absorbed it yet?! I've also always known that it will only really be when he sees and holds our baby that he 'gets it', but I still can't help making the odd dig and jibe at him. Anyway, I'm sure there'll be time for another post on how I take out all my hormones on my Bloke on a regular basis so, for now, I'll leave that topic there!

Physically this week has been an interesting one. There have been definite bouts of morning sickness, though mostly not in the mornings. Mine are definitely linked to hunger. I am still ridiculously hungry, virtually all the time and find that, if I don't eat the moment I feel hungry, I feel really nauseous until I do eat. Lunchtimes have been the worst, though it has happened in the morning and evenings as well. I am also being very picky about what I eat.. I have been mostly eating chicken and potatoes/rice this week in a variety of combinations! I have also ordered takeaway a couple of times because I'm sick of trying to work out what to eat and cook it myself. Oh, that reminds me... one of the things that sparked off my fit at my Bloke... him saying that he didn't mind not going out to dinner if I didn't feel like it because he has to eat out all week in Seoul. Great, I said.. he could cook us something :) The response of 'I'm not spending my time cooking!' didn't go down very well and initiated many complaints about how he should want to take care of me at the weekends because he's away all week and I have to do everything myself whilst feeling sick. Ah, what memories!

Besides the nausea, I've also been having a few little twinges at the sides of my belly in the last couple of days. I'm hoping that this is my uterus stretching and making room for the little one. I'm also hoping that all these things combined might indicate a little growth spurt and give us something 'real' to see tomorrow at the scan. Fingers crossed!

Hormones from hell...

After re-reading my last post and reflecting on my behaviour overall yesterday, it's become clear that it was not a good day for me yesterday! After the ultrasound I spent the rest of the day (till mid-afternoon at least when we went to the cinema) either in tears or really angry and snapping at my Bloke. He didn't know what to say that wouldn't make me cry or get angry, so didn't say anything. This just got me more frustrated because, somehow, I wanted him to be able to make all my worries and concerns disappear and he just couldn't and can't.

Once we'd watched a fun movie (including a little nap for me), I did feel better and I'm feeling better again today. I'm still disappointed that we couldn't see more on our scan, particularly seeing some of the other blogger's pictures that are at around the same stage as us. But I am trying to be positive, take solace in how happy the Doctor seemed yesterday - to be honest, she looked more excited than either of us! - and try to 'believe' that everything is fine until someone says it isn't, which may never, and hopefully will never, happen.

I'm also glad that my post rung true for a few of you yesterday. As always, you reassure me that I am not alone and my feelings are not so very strange. I'm hoping that yesterday's outbursts were partly pregnancy hormones, but I know they were stress-linked as well. In some ways, I wish I had more symptoms to reassure me, but I recently realised that I am still going to acupuncture designed to relieve symptoms!  I guess that's about as logical as I get right now! I'm still feeling very hungry, pretty often. My Bloke described it as 'hungry to the point of distraction' meaning that I can't do anything or think about anything else until I've eaten. I also feel a bit nauseous if I get hungry. I'm hoping this is a good sign though I always wonder about it being 'imagined'...

This morning I went to the ER as usual for my Sunday morning shot. The nurse who speaks English was on duty and remembered me from previous visits. She asked if I was having all these shots to keep my pregnancy. Then she said 'You tolerate a lot of pain to have a baby'. And for a moment, I felt maybe a little proud or maybe just pleased to have someone acknowledge all that I'm going through (and that so many of us are going through) and I thought - Yes, I am and every shot and scan and poke and prod is worth it. :)

1st ultrasound

Today has been a strange day so far. I woke up freaking out about our 6 week scan this morning and actually started crying during the 3 minute walk to the clinic. I tried to explain to my Bloke that, despite our 'success' so far, I will still be worried, at least until we get to the 2nd trimester. He didn't really get it, as I'd anticipated. He said that we have to think positive and if something does go wrong, we'll try again. Needless to say, at that point, that was not what I wanted to hear!  I pulled myself together a little and we made it to the clinic.

And the scan went well. But I feel like 'well' describes it perfectly.. it wasn't amazing or mind-blowing or life-changing. I could barely see anything. I saw a black circle surrounded by a white ring. We couldn't see anything inside it, but the Doctor was perfectly happy. She said they only see heartbeats 50% of the time this early on and, in some ways, I'm not surprised... the ultrasound machine doesn't seem to be as high resolution as others, judging by the photo she gave me and those I've seen on other's blogs. So, when I should be over the moon at the implantation being in the right place and that the Doctor is now weaning me off the progesterone and other meds, so must be happy with my progress, all I can think about is that I wish I could be one of the 50% who could see a heartbeat. How ungrateful and wrong is that?!

Our next ultrasound is in just over a week, by which time I'll be 7 weeks 3 days. Until I see that baby in there with a heartbeat, I still can't relax completely. When will this start getting easier?

2ww?.. How about the 12ww?!

Tomorrow is our first scan - I will be 6 weeks and 1 day. And, as ever, I am getting more and more nervous as the day approaches. I'm feeling physically fine - I dither between feeling that my current relative lack of symptoms is good or bad but, logically, I know it doesn't really mean anything.

My Bloke thinks I'm crazy for being worried at each stage of this journey.. the 1st and 2nd betas, this upcoming scan... and that's even though I've managed to keep him pretty isolated from my craziness - partly due to him being in Seoul Monday-Friday and partly because I don't know if voicing my fears will help my state of mind or hinder it. Would it help to tell him all the things that could go wrong? Would it help to warn him about ectopic pregnancies, missed miscarriages and stillbirths? Would it help him understand why I still can't relax and accept that this pregnancy will actually lead to a baby? Or would it just result in two of us worrying all the time? Not that I'm a nervous wreck... I'm not. I just can't really relax and enjoy this pregnancy yet.

I'm finding it hard to plan. We need to schedule our move from China to Korea and I'm finding it hard to commit to a date. I've decided not to fly at all before 12 weeks so that's our current timeline, but part of my brain is still calculating whether, if necessary, I could fit in an FET before we leave, if we just delayed our departure a little. I haven't said this to my Bloke... he definitely would not understand this kind of negative outlook. For him, we had a goal and we've achieved it. Now it's time to move on to the next goal.. a new home for our new family.

So I've been wondering, do non-IFers who conceive naturally feel any of this? How can they remain calm when they have to wait until 12 weeks for their first scan?! It's seems absurd that you might get that BFP at 4 weeks and have to wait another 8 weeks for any real examination/confirmation.. it seems that most places in the UK don't even do a blood beta if you want your pregnancy confirmed, just an HPT.

How lovely it would be to spend these 8 weeks assuming that everything will be OK...To start picking names and designing a nursery. I'm still holding off on buying a pregnancy book and a belly band until after this scan - I just don't want to jinx it or something. And I'm not even superstitious!

Or maybe all women feel like this after seeing those 2 lines. Maybe non-IFers just don't know about the extra monitoring we receive or they would be asking for it too!

I hope this post hasn't come across as too depressing and negative. I'm not spending my days wracked with fear - I've spent most of today watching crappy TV and loving every minute! But those worries just won't leave me completely alone, particularly with such a big milestone to come tomorrow...