Monday, 10 January 2011

Waiting...

You start trying to get pregnant and wait, excited, hopeful... maybe it'll happen the 1st month! Oh well, it'll happen soon, you're sure...
Depending on your situation, maybe you wait a year, maybe 2...
You decide it's time to act and arrange to go for tests. Depending on which country and area you live in, your health authority, your insurance cover or lack of it, you wait for an appointment and wait for the results... surely there's nothing wrong with us? We just need to have more sex! Wait a bit longer!...
You decide to pursue fertility treatment and, again, you wait for that appointment...

And then the treatment starts.
You wait for your period to come (all the while, hoping that it won't - that this month will bring that magical, natural BFP that means YOU won't be one of those women, one of those couples who have to go through the stress, inconvenience, expense and emotional rollercoaster that is fertility treatment)...
You start treatment - maybe IUI or IVF.. waiting each day to give yourself injections, waiting for scans to see whether those follicles are the right size, whether your endometrium is thick enough, whether you have any cysts that will stop treatment.
You get to that 'final' step - maybe embryo transfer or insemination.. if in China, you wait in the clinic, for hours maybe, for that 10 minute procedure that could change your life.
And then the 'real' wait begins.. the 2 week wait until you can test or nature tells you 'not this time'...

And that's when your mind goes into overdrive, your imagination runs wild, asking yourself endless questions, examining every physical and emotional 'difference' to spot that sign that will point to a BFP..
'Don't your nipples look a little bigger?' 'Don't they feel a little more sensitive?' 'Aren't you feeling more tired than usual?' 'Aren't you more emotional?' Couldn't that be pregnancy hormones?'  'Maybe those cold symptoms aren't really a cold?.. even though it's zero degrees outside and everyone you know has a cold'. 'Is that discharge implantation bleeding?.. It isn't necessarily your period.. even though your period has always started like that in the past...'

And then your period comes or you test, just to be sure, and that BFN appears.

And you start all over again...

1 comment:

  1. Sounds familiar. Denial/hope what ever you want to call it is so strong! I've definitely sat on the loo, test in hand hoping early AF is implantation. I think the biggest relief running up to treatment was that I truly stopped hoping and for the first time in months had no 2WW....quickest months ever!

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