Monday, 17 January 2011

Disappointment, confusion and hopefully acceptance.

I really don't know the real 'message' of this post. I'd intended to write today about the 2ww and how difficult I've been finding this one in particular. Then this morning I had weird half-dreams about taking pregnancy tests, cramping and stuff. I awoke to 'real' cramping and spotting and I'm only 11dpiui. Obviously I was gutted. I decided to POAS just to make the reality 'stick' and of course, it was BFN.

So this post should be about that BFN and how it feels to know our last IUI is over and preparing for the move to IVF. But, as usual, I can't let it drop. I've been Googling 'implantation spotting/cramping' in 100 different combinations all morning.  It's not the first time I've done this and, I know that, until my period starts for real, I won't be able to let that hope go.  Also, I'm having strange, very localised twinges over my right ovary region which are unusual for me, so that is fuelling the fire of my fevered imagination.

I 'know' this cycle is over somewhere inside me, but it's going to take a little while to sink in. I've only cried a little today.. once when I told bloke by SMS and he replied with a lovely message, but including the evil 'B' word... 'baby'. I can only deal with this process if I think of needles, eggs, sperm and hormones and try not to attach it to that magical goal for which we're aiming, as stupid as that sounds.

So, what is the post about? I hope the title says it all

3 comments:

  1. I've been looking out for you on here. I know this cycle is very significant for so many reasons so no wonder you feel disappointed but also confused as nature never seems to send us a clear message. I guess this spotting, however it emerges is the end of one part of your journey even though the answer is still unclear. Personally I have never been able to let go of the trace of doubt re. implantation until it becomes obvious. We all know too many stories where spotting turned to a happy ending. It sounds like you are being very realistic too amidst the confusion and so all I can say for now is I hope what ever the answer is, that it comes clear soon and with it bring acceptance.

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  2. It might be way too early for an hpt - don't give up hope until you know for sure. Until you've had a real period.

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  3. Thanks girls. I'll keep you updated.. so far this morning nothing really happening. No spotting, no cramping so maybe things have gone back to normal and AF will arrive Thursday/Friday as expected.

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