As the last days (hopefully days rather than weeks!) of this pregnancy slip away, I've had a realisation. But before I start, I want to be clear that I am not at all worried or stressed or pessimistic about the labour and birth - either the process or the outcome. Since getting upset talking to my doula, I'm feeling much calmer - I think I just needed her to know how we got to this point and, now she does, the stress has lifted. We also did another fear-release exercise at our meeting last week and I think that was useful.
But the realisation is that I still can't actually imagine having our own baby in my arms in the space of a few hours/days/weeks at the most. I've thought about it and realised that the IF journey contained so many processes that had no 'outcomes', that I've got used to that.
We tried naturally - nothing happened.
We had testing - nothing happened.
We had IUI after IUI after IUI - nothing happened.
We had IVF - at last, something happened!
But though I've been enjoying this pregnancy immensely and feel so grateful to have that opportunity, I'm half expecting it to be another process which I go through and there is no 'result' at the end. Like something to tick off the list - 'well, we've done that, what next?'...
I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else and it's hard for me to express without giving the impression that I'm worried about the arrival of our little guy, which I'm not. Maybe I'm just impatient to reach the end of this stage of our journey and meet the baby boy we've waited so long for (and I'm writing that with a smile and not a tear in sight!).