Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Counting the days...

As the last days (hopefully days rather than weeks!) of this pregnancy slip away, I've had a realisation. But before I start, I want to be clear that I am not at all worried or stressed or pessimistic about the labour and birth - either the process or the outcome. Since getting upset talking to my doula, I'm feeling much calmer - I think I just needed her to know how we got to this point and, now she does, the stress has lifted. We also did another fear-release exercise at our meeting last week and I think that was useful.

But the realisation is that I still can't actually imagine having our own baby in my arms in the space of a few hours/days/weeks at the most.  I've thought about it and realised that the IF journey contained so many processes that had no 'outcomes', that I've got used to that.

We tried naturally - nothing happened.
We had testing - nothing happened.
We had IUI after IUI after IUI - nothing happened.
We had IVF - at last, something happened!

But though I've been enjoying this pregnancy immensely and feel so grateful to have that opportunity, I'm half expecting it to be another process which I go through and there is no 'result' at the end.  Like something to tick off the list - 'well, we've done that, what next?'...

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else and it's hard for me to express without giving the impression that I'm worried about the arrival of our little guy, which I'm not. Maybe I'm just impatient to reach the end of this stage of our journey and meet the baby boy we've waited so long for (and I'm writing that with a smile and not a tear in sight!).

7 comments:

  1. It's hard to imagine maybe, as you say after so many blanks, it's not just been the past 9 months you've waited it's much longer...now this is it. The night before my induction N and I went walking and I felt v odd this was the last time as 2 of us and 3 seemed unimaginable...hard to explain, what we've always wanted...venturing in to the unknown at the same time. Your Doula sounds wonderful
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. My imagination also fails me when I try to imagine that soon we will have a baby in our arms, in our home, in the room we prepared... I think it's normal ;)

    Hugs and good luck! Keep us posted!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It makes sense. Complete sense. I can't believe that you're almost there and I am SO excited for you. Enjoy the time you have left in your pregnancy and I can't wait to hear about your first meeting with your little one!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I get it completely. It is very hard to imagine until the moment arrives.

    Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your child.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks so much for all the support ladies... I appreciate it now just as much as I have throughout this journey xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. It does make sense to me.. I'm just 16weeks along but feel the same. So unreal. Your soon there, best of luck during delivery!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Felt that way, then he got here and had the NICU experience- still felt that way! I'm like "what will it take to get a baby home?!?" The worry is different now but he is home and I can't wait until you bring your little one home too!

    ReplyDelete