Just when I thought I was in a place of complete peace and calm about this pregnancy and even the route we took to get here, IF jumps up to bite me on the ass. Don't get me wrong, I am still enjoying this pregnancy and very much looking forward to the arrival of our baby baby in (possibly) a few weeks :)
But, as I've suggested in previous posts, I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.
All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.
But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place. Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place? Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?
For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).
You will burst into tears when you hold your baby. Numerous times. Maybe because of the journey you had to take to get there, but also because of sheer happiness of actually holding your own baby in your arms. It's OK. I thought I had passed the IF hurdle and was enjoying motherhood until we started trying for #2 and even other IFers just got pregnant on their own but we had to go the IVF route again. It will never leave you, it's part of you, just accept it, it won't be in the way of loving your baby.
ReplyDeleteWe said we wouldn't truly believe until we were holding our baby... then the NICU scare... I cried "why can I not just take a baby home?!?"
ReplyDeleteHowever, he is in my arms now and I don't intend on letting him out of my sight for a long time! Just wait until you hold your little one, all babies are special and IVF babies are even more special!!! You will be so in love!
I can relate to your post. I still find myself thinking back over what we went through to get here, and while I am so happy and cherishing every moment of my pregnancy, I still get the occasional 'bitter infertile' moment. I think this journey is part of us, and while the pain may fade, we will never forget it and how lucky we are. xx
ReplyDeleteSo glad you've found a doula and a good one from the sounds of it. I think back a lot, def not a closed chapter but perhaps with more distance feelings bubble to the surface and the tears come...? I found last years diary where I'd charted 12 hopeless cycles in minute detail on a home-made graph at the back and I sobbed and sobbed as I remembered 12 lots of AF arriving and killing each months hopes. Have a good blub I say...x
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments everyone... the message seems to be that tears are inevitable even at this stage of our journey... and I guess that's OK :) I would like to avoid too much ugly crying in front of relative strangers in the future though! Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to everyone xx
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas! Thank you for your honesty. I am 29 weeks pregnant as a result of IVF and I found myself crying this past weekend about the magnitude of it all and how hard the process was just to get to this point. Wishing you and your hubby and baby to be a magical Christmas!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I think this process is just so overwhelming sometimes that, even when pregnant, the feelings cannot be contained all the time xx
ReplyDeleteI just realized that you have 5 days to go! I hope you're well!! Take care!
ReplyDeleteThanks... I'm good - just waiting.... x
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