A forgotten gift...

The other day at the maternity/babywear store, I realised that, despite my refusal to buy any maternity clothes or baby stuff until the 2nd trimester, I already have my first baby gift awaiting our little one. My friend pointed out a toy in the store and said 'You have to have one of these' and I realised she was indicating Sophie the giraffe. At this point, I remembered that we already have a special Sophie awaiting the arrival of our little one.

This gift has been waiting patiently for a while now. It was bought by a friend who knows about our struggles and our treatment. This friend has been through so much more than I have or hope I ever will, but her story is not mine to tell -  I will just say that, at the age of 42 she conceived naturally and now has a beautiful 1 year old baby girl, after being told at the age of 17 that she would never have her own child. She bought a twin pack of Sophies when she was replacing her daughter's much-loved one that had been lost. She told me that the 2nd one was for me and my baby, whenever he/she arrived.

At the time, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me was almost arrogant, taking a 'What does she know?' approach - how can she know that we will ever have the miracle that she was granted? Another part of me was so grateful - grateful that someone had the hope and faith that I was struggling to get hold of and generally failing to hang on to. I think that gift was the moment when I genuinely did start to hope and to believe that this could happen for us. There's no rationality or logic in hope and her faith helped me make the change from 'Why is this IF happening to me?' to 'Why shouldn't I be one of the 'lucky' ones?'  (Strange how 'lucky' now involves success after years of tests and several rounds of treatment!).

My friend doesn't 'officially' know our good news yet, though she has a pretty good idea from a couple of clues here and there. I'm looking forward to being able to tell her in a couple of weeks and to accepting my first baby gift with love and gratitude.

The dreaded BS..

It's happened and I guess it's a miracle that it's only happening now... I got invited to my first Baby Shower (I feel capital letters are needed here...)

I'm British and we don't really go in for showers (as far as I know, having been out of the country during just about all my friends' pregnancies!). I've also only recently built a good group of girlfriends overseas so I've been able to dodge the bullet... until now.

My friend who guided me through the mysteries of the Chinese fertility clinic is pregnant - I've mentioned her before.. she went through years of IF, several IUIs and then fell naturally and I've been seething with guilty jealousy ever since :(  Of course, we're still friends and I'm finding it easier and easier to spend time with her. But the timing of this shower couldn't be potentially worse. It's at the end of May, just after my birthday and possibly around the end of our 1st IVF cycle.

Sure, if I'm pregnant, it would be great (great doesn't really sum that up,does it!). If not, whether we don't make it to embryo transfer or if we do and get that BFN, it could be horrendous.  I know my friend would understand if I explained (though she's probably struggled through several of these events after negative results herself) but I wasn't planning on telling her the dates of this cycle and possibly not about the cycle at all if I can help it - I've decided to keep as much information to myself as possible, apart from family and a couple of friends.

I guess if I accept now, then that is a hopeful gesture and/or also a commitment to be brave and know that I will just need to get through it. (I could also drop out at the last minute if necessary!).

Looks like I'm asking you all for advice again... :)