As the last days (hopefully days rather than weeks!) of this pregnancy slip away, I've had a realisation. But before I start, I want to be clear that I am not at all worried or stressed or pessimistic about the labour and birth - either the process or the outcome. Since getting upset talking to my doula, I'm feeling much calmer - I think I just needed her to know how we got to this point and, now she does, the stress has lifted. We also did another fear-release exercise at our meeting last week and I think that was useful.
But the realisation is that I still can't actually imagine having our own baby in my arms in the space of a few hours/days/weeks at the most. I've thought about it and realised that the IF journey contained so many processes that had no 'outcomes', that I've got used to that.
We tried naturally - nothing happened.
We had testing - nothing happened.
We had IUI after IUI after IUI - nothing happened.
We had IVF - at last, something happened!
But though I've been enjoying this pregnancy immensely and feel so grateful to have that opportunity, I'm half expecting it to be another process which I go through and there is no 'result' at the end. Like something to tick off the list - 'well, we've done that, what next?'...
I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else and it's hard for me to express without giving the impression that I'm worried about the arrival of our little guy, which I'm not. Maybe I'm just impatient to reach the end of this stage of our journey and meet the baby boy we've waited so long for (and I'm writing that with a smile and not a tear in sight!).
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Friday, 23 December 2011
Green-eyed monster... now, hang on a minute!
This will probably come across as a weird post to write on Christmas Eve, but I guess it's as good a time as any to have an IF revelation. (But I'll keep it short....)
A good friend here in my new city home gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 1 week ago. Her and her husband also had some fertility treatment to achieve and maintain this pregnancy after TTC and miscarriage. I saw them in the week and am over the moon for them and their new family. They have started a photography project to follow baby girl's early days and post a photo of her online each day.
I was just looking at the latest photos and, guess what, I felt jealous... real, stone-cold jealousy that they get to hold and love this gorgeous little girl. The same jealousy that I've felt so many times over the last few years. And I felt this whilst sitting here, 36 weeks pregnant, with a bonny baby boy kicking and wriggling away inside of me.
Don't get me wrong.. I realised what was going on and I.....well....decided to write this post and am now feeling completely back to normal. But I guess IF never does really go away, does it?
A good friend here in my new city home gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 1 week ago. Her and her husband also had some fertility treatment to achieve and maintain this pregnancy after TTC and miscarriage. I saw them in the week and am over the moon for them and their new family. They have started a photography project to follow baby girl's early days and post a photo of her online each day.
I was just looking at the latest photos and, guess what, I felt jealous... real, stone-cold jealousy that they get to hold and love this gorgeous little girl. The same jealousy that I've felt so many times over the last few years. And I felt this whilst sitting here, 36 weeks pregnant, with a bonny baby boy kicking and wriggling away inside of me.
Don't get me wrong.. I realised what was going on and I.....well....decided to write this post and am now feeling completely back to normal. But I guess IF never does really go away, does it?
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
IF Hangover
Just when I thought I was in a place of complete peace and calm about this pregnancy and even the route we took to get here, IF jumps up to bite me on the ass. Don't get me wrong, I am still enjoying this pregnancy and very much looking forward to the arrival of our baby baby in (possibly) a few weeks :)
But, as I've suggested in previous posts, I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.
All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.
But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place. Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place? Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?
For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).
But, as I've suggested in previous posts, I've not quite left behind the uncertainty, fear and grief that occupied so much of the years it took us to get here. And how do I know this? Because I cried on our Doula today as I told her about our infertility struggles. I hadn't intended to tell her at all... We had a routine pre-natal appointment and were reviewing some of my answers to the questionnaire all her clients fill in to tell her about themselves, their pregnancies and their hopes & wishes for their baby's birth. I had mentioned that one of my concerns about the birth (and reasons for hiring her) was potentially feeling out of control which leads me rapidly into panic... this was a big element of our infertility that I tried to combat with research, spreadsheets of follicle sizes and blood test results and, of course, blogging.
All she had to do was mention this answer, which reminded me of my reasons for writing it and I dissolved into puddles of tears. (I should add that her trainee Doula was also there in our meeting!) I explained our journey briefly between sobs and she was very understanding and supportive.
But this post is not about her and the details of my sob-fest... it is, yet again, my way of trying to get some of my feelings out of my head and into a bigger, more forgiving place. Why is it that I can't just be grateful and happy to be in this amazing place? Why can't I really leave all those feelings of fear and submission behind? And is the fear from those so-recent days going to interfere with and take over the calm, relaxed and joyful birth that I'm hoping for?
For now, it is enough to write this post to help me stop sniffing and whimpering and to acknowledge that I still need to work through some of 'my issues' if I want to be able to look back and also look forward to the unbelievable image of me holding our baby without bursting into tears (and there I go again with the crying!...).
Thursday, 24 November 2011
So much to be thankful for....
As you probably know, I'm from the UK so Thanksgiving is not a holiday I would normally celebrate. Throw in several years in Asia and, although I have many friends who do celebrate this special day, there are not usually many outward signs that this past Thursday means anything at all.
But a gift from my fellow blogger at Mac & PC has inspired me to write a little something about what I have to be thankful for this year. Thanks so much to Miss Mac for the Liebster Blog award.... Miss Mac's was one of the first blogs that I followed when we were starting our IF journey. We ended up having similar treatment types and our IVF cycles happened around the same time. It was reassuring to be able to follow her cycle as it progressed just a little bit ahead of mine and compare notes! Then came her wonderful BFP, shortly followed by my own :) It has been equally reassuring, but somewhat more joyful to be able to follow her pregnancy and I look forward to continuing to follow the story of her new and long-awaited family.
The above says a lot about what I have to be thankful for this year. 2 IUIs, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and and an IVF cycle in the past 12 months (not counting the tests and treatment before that) brought us the BFP and the pregnancy that we wanted so desperately and had been waiting for. The last year also brought my Bloke a new job and resulted in our move from China to South Korea. My last post describes my current feelings of happiness, joy and calm, but it didn't say how thankful I still am and will always be for being in this fortunate position.
Now it's time to spread the love and recognise other bloggers that I follow by awarding them the Liebster blog award. Instead of the suggested 5, I'm just picking 3 who could really do with your love and support at the moment as they face different challenges in their IF and pregnancy journeys:
Here's how to spread the Liebster Love (if you have chance... I know you all have a lot going on right now):
But a gift from my fellow blogger at Mac & PC has inspired me to write a little something about what I have to be thankful for this year. Thanks so much to Miss Mac for the Liebster Blog award.... Miss Mac's was one of the first blogs that I followed when we were starting our IF journey. We ended up having similar treatment types and our IVF cycles happened around the same time. It was reassuring to be able to follow her cycle as it progressed just a little bit ahead of mine and compare notes! Then came her wonderful BFP, shortly followed by my own :) It has been equally reassuring, but somewhat more joyful to be able to follow her pregnancy and I look forward to continuing to follow the story of her new and long-awaited family.The above says a lot about what I have to be thankful for this year. 2 IUIs, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and and an IVF cycle in the past 12 months (not counting the tests and treatment before that) brought us the BFP and the pregnancy that we wanted so desperately and had been waiting for. The last year also brought my Bloke a new job and resulted in our move from China to South Korea. My last post describes my current feelings of happiness, joy and calm, but it didn't say how thankful I still am and will always be for being in this fortunate position.
Now it's time to spread the love and recognise other bloggers that I follow by awarding them the Liebster blog award. Instead of the suggested 5, I'm just picking 3 who could really do with your love and support at the moment as they face different challenges in their IF and pregnancy journeys:
Here's how to spread the Liebster Love (if you have chance... I know you all have a lot going on right now):
- Copy and paste the award on your blog
- Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
- Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
- Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
30 weeks... aka 'How did I get here?'... aka 'Did all that really happen?'
I hit 30 weeks last weekend and it feels like such a milestone. Now we'll be counting in 3- something weeks, it makes the arrival of our baby boy seem so much more imminent. And how are we doing? Very well, I think. As I write, baby boy is stretching, which seems to involve feet pushing under my ribs on my right side and fingers poking very low down on my left side which always makes me jump! He seems to be at the stage where he is big enough for me to feel every movement in a major way, but not so big that his space to wriggle around is limited. And I'm doing well - have been taking iron supplements for the anaemia which are hopefully working, but I'll find out at our monthly check-up tomorrow :)
Lately I've been feeling so well physically and so happy and settled emotionally that all we went through to get here almost seems like a dream. Did I really go through all those tests and surgery? Did I really give myself all those injections? Did I really have all those blood tests? Did I really spend all those hours (and hours and hours) sat in that Chinese fertility clinic? Did I really go to that clinic every morning for 10 weeks after the BFP for the progesterone shots they wouldn't let me do myself? It all seems so far away and so long ago...
That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies. I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.
But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.
That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.
On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies. But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)
That's not to say that I've created some alternative reality for myself where this baby was conceived naturally. I know that we are still infertile. I know that, should we want another child, I'll more than likely be returning to China for our precious frozen embies. I know that this baby boy is a precious miracle and this pregnancy was worth every injection, blood test and minute in that clinic.
But I do feel that our infertility is no longer defining this pregnancy. The angst and fear of the 1st trimester has been replaced with a feeling of calm and confidence that my body can do this. We've recently started our pre-natal Hypno.birthing classes (they're another post in themselves) which (amongst other things) involve listening to positive affirmations about our pregnancy and future labour & delivery. I no longer flinch when I hear the affirmation talking about how my body was designed to conceive, carry and deliver this baby naturally. Maybe we needed some help getting here, but I feel I can now trust in my body to do the rest.
That's not to say that there won't be any complications or unexpected issues in the next 10 or so weeks. That's not to say that I won't end up having pain meds or other interventions, rather than the calm, natural delivery we're hoping for. But I no longer feel like they're more likely because of how we got here.
On re-reading this post, I wonder whether I sound like some born-again fertile... I don't want to minimise the struggles that we went through or that others are going through right now - whether in their IF journeys or in their post-IF pregnancies. But I do want to enjoy every moment of the remainder of this pregnancy and I finally feel like I'm able to :)
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Things I've discovered this week
In no particular order:
- Baby boy has hair! We could see it on our ultrasound which is amazing to me :) He also likes sucking his toes - lovely!
- I'm a bit anaemic - my haemoglobin levels came back a little low, so I'm on iron supplements for now. Maybe this explains why it takes me an age to walk up a flight of stairs!
- I'm emotionally unstable when hungry and/or tired and have a tendency to take it out on my Bloke :( To be fair, this is not really a new thing... my Bloke has always said that I'm like a baby when I need food or sleep - nothing else matters until I'm satisfied! Pregnancy has just made it 100 times worse! Sunday was spent eating and napping interspersed with periods of pestering my long-suffering man to bring me more food/complete tasks I'd set/be quiet so I could nap! But once fed and a bit less sleepy, I was back to my usual (?!) cheery self!
- I seem to be looking bigger than my now 6 months (27 1/2 weeks)... yesterday my yoga teacher asked me how many WEEKS I had left! We both agreed that my bump has expanded significantly in the last week and I have felt it in the last couple of days - I have felt stretched and tight around the bottom of my bump and baby boy has been moving less which seems to correspond with growth spurts. This morning I feel more comfortable and baby boy is back to his usual breakfast acrobatics :)
- I have started nesting early... this weekend I was seized by an uncontrollable desire to order a lot of baby stuff online. Partly this was prompted by a great sale on the JC Penney website (one of the few sites that ship internationally as standard) and partly by hormone insanity... 'I have to have that rug and I have to have it NOW' :)
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
On the downhill slope & picking up speed..
Again, it's been a long time since my last post. I've been away from our new home in Seoul for most of September, but am now back and not likely to be going anywhere else in the next few months :)
I was posting a comment on a forum the other day and realised from my little 'ticker' thing that I've known about this pregnancy for longer than I've got left of it - does that make sense? Basically, I'm more than halfway through, even taking into account those first 4 weeks before you actually find out. This took me a bit by surprise - the past 20 weeks seem to have gone so fast. I have about 16 weeks left (hoping that all goes to plan) and I can't imagine how quickly that time will go by!
I had intended to keep a pregnancy diary or at least document the milestones along with some photos but, like so many other good intentions, I have failed to make good on it so far. So this seems like as good a place as any to make a start...
18 weeks - hired our Doula, Lisa :)
18 + 4 weeks - 2nd trimester anatomy ultrasound and gender reveal.... We're having a boy!!
19 weeks - first flutterings of movement :) The exact moment when I realised what I was feeling was at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, whilst waiting to transfer for the final leg of my journey home. I drank a lemonade in the lounge and felt a tickling sensation all over my belly :)
20 weeks - first 'serious' shopping for baby whilst back home. Got our pushchair/travel system, baby monitor and most of baby layette along with other bits and pieces. Plus got some gifts from family and friends - mostly clothes, including some knitted items from my Mum and her friend :)
21 weeks - first big kicks and somersaults :) I was back in Seoul for a few days before our babymoon to the beach. I had the doppler out for the first time in ages and had managed to find bub's heartbeat, no problem. Then I felt a big kick on the doppler! Our little boy certainly didn't seem keen on being prodded!
22 weeks - first time my Bloke felt his son move and I started seeing more defined movement from the 'outside' :) My Bloke still finds it strange that there's a living being in my belly! He can't get his head around the fact that I don't find the movement strange or freaky! But knowing that we're having a boy is definitely helping him get used to the idea that there will (hopefully) be an actual baby here early next year. He would have been happy either way, but just being able to see him as a boy, rather than an 'it' seems to be making it easier.
23 weeks - started pre-natal yoga... first 'real' exercise since before starting IVF in April :) This goes along with the increase in energy I've felt in the last week or so, since getting back from holiday. I've finally had the energy to sort out most of the stuff in our new apartment and am hoping it will continue for long enough for me to do some more shopping for the nursery.
Coming up:
24 weeks - viability
26 weeks - 3D scan
Thanks to those who've kept following me and for your comments and hellos! I'm keeping up with everyone's news even if I haven't been commenting that much :)
I was posting a comment on a forum the other day and realised from my little 'ticker' thing that I've known about this pregnancy for longer than I've got left of it - does that make sense? Basically, I'm more than halfway through, even taking into account those first 4 weeks before you actually find out. This took me a bit by surprise - the past 20 weeks seem to have gone so fast. I have about 16 weeks left (hoping that all goes to plan) and I can't imagine how quickly that time will go by!
I had intended to keep a pregnancy diary or at least document the milestones along with some photos but, like so many other good intentions, I have failed to make good on it so far. So this seems like as good a place as any to make a start...
18 weeks - hired our Doula, Lisa :)
18 + 4 weeks - 2nd trimester anatomy ultrasound and gender reveal.... We're having a boy!!
19 weeks - first flutterings of movement :) The exact moment when I realised what I was feeling was at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, whilst waiting to transfer for the final leg of my journey home. I drank a lemonade in the lounge and felt a tickling sensation all over my belly :)
20 weeks - first 'serious' shopping for baby whilst back home. Got our pushchair/travel system, baby monitor and most of baby layette along with other bits and pieces. Plus got some gifts from family and friends - mostly clothes, including some knitted items from my Mum and her friend :)
21 weeks - first big kicks and somersaults :) I was back in Seoul for a few days before our babymoon to the beach. I had the doppler out for the first time in ages and had managed to find bub's heartbeat, no problem. Then I felt a big kick on the doppler! Our little boy certainly didn't seem keen on being prodded!
22 weeks - first time my Bloke felt his son move and I started seeing more defined movement from the 'outside' :) My Bloke still finds it strange that there's a living being in my belly! He can't get his head around the fact that I don't find the movement strange or freaky! But knowing that we're having a boy is definitely helping him get used to the idea that there will (hopefully) be an actual baby here early next year. He would have been happy either way, but just being able to see him as a boy, rather than an 'it' seems to be making it easier.
23 weeks - started pre-natal yoga... first 'real' exercise since before starting IVF in April :) This goes along with the increase in energy I've felt in the last week or so, since getting back from holiday. I've finally had the energy to sort out most of the stuff in our new apartment and am hoping it will continue for long enough for me to do some more shopping for the nursery.
Coming up:
24 weeks - viability
26 weeks - 3D scan
Thanks to those who've kept following me and for your comments and hellos! I'm keeping up with everyone's news even if I haven't been commenting that much :)
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