Well, I guess after yesterday's post, that I'm not doing quite as well as I thought. Woke up this morning feeling down.. it's CD 27 and the usual pre-period spotting started on Sunday, so it's pretty certain that my last hope of a BFP without IVF is out the window. I know this shouldn't matter... I know that getting the BFP is what matters, not how, but I guess I was still holding out some hope of being able to get there without any more treatment.
So I read for a bit, got up and checked my email. And there it was.. an email from my oldest school friend telling me that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knows some of what we've been going through and had been trying for a little while herself. And I appreciate that she emailed me first, rather than in a group announcement to all our friends or the evil Facebook post.
But I've fallen apart. I can't stop crying. Real ugly, sobbing crying. My face is blotchy and red and my nose won't stop running. I'm pathetic. I'm trying to calm myself down... writing this is helping. But, at my lowest points, all that goes through my mind is 'It will never happen for us' and then that sets me off again. And I know it's stupid.. I know there's no logic to how I feel.. I know that we are a long way from that - we have so many options and chances ahead of us..
And I know that nothing has actually changed today.. my friend was pregnant yesterday, my spotting had already started yesterday, my plan to go to the clinic this week and schedule our IVF for this month (or next at the latest depending on our protocol) was already in place. So maybe I can blame this on PMS? Or maybe it's my final stage of grief before I finally accept that we need IVF? Whatever it is, I hope it passes soon.
In the meantime, I need to email my friend and congratulate her. But I can't bring myself to write the words 'I'm so happy for you' because, right now, I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. I'm fucking miserable and I don't feel like lying. So I guess the email will have to wait.
I actually had quite a few friends struggle with infertility or loss around the time it all hit for me. It was devastating each time one of them got to announce their happy news - yes, ALL of them got pregnant (most of them naturally) and had take-home babies fairly quickly while I waited in misery for years. Just when I was certain I'd NEVER get pregnant again, it happened. Still terrified of how it will turn out, but the point is it really CAN happen for you and IVF may be just the thing. Hoping your own happy announcement is just around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI felt devastated when my last period arrived in January that signalled having to start IVF - I so desperately wanted for it to happen without IVF - but now that I'm through the other side of the retrieval and transfer, I marvel at how amazing this process is (even if the medications and procedures are pretty average) and that I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't love my future child so much already - b/c this is the only thing left that will increase my chances. Not to minimise that pain that you're going through but to reassure you that having been where you are today, I can honestly say that going through all this really makes you feel as though you're doing something that will increase your chances of obtaining you final dream. Awful that you got an email about your friend's pregnancy on such a difficult day and I'm sure she'd understand what you're going through after trying for a while herself - so there's no hurry on the reply. Looking after yourself at the moment is the most important thing xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are so not alone. Those days of the never ending tears just suck. I am so sorry you woke to one of those kinds of days. I feel you with your heart breaking over the last 'hope' of doing with without IVF. And yep writing those emails to people are the worst, having to say things that you don't feel at all... Hoping for BRIGHTER days ahead for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone.. I'm feeling a bit better now after baking some flapjacks (the UK kind!) for my bloke and some awesome gluten-free chewy chocolate, nut & raisin cookies for me :)
ReplyDeleteI'm supposed to be going to boot camp tonight but, right now, the cookies are looking like a more appealing option (plus Dr F said chocolate is allowed at this time of the month... it's very yin, apparently) xx
I'm glad you feel a little better. It's really overwhelming at times. I recognize what you write about, I'm at the same place, hanging on to that last hope.
ReplyDeleteSo chocolate is alright, interesting. I might need some myself.
I'm so sorry. I remember that feeling so vividly. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit that the friend that emailed me that she was 5 months pregnant right before I started IVF STILL hasn't really been properly congratulated, almost four years later. It's just hard, and you need to be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this. You probably are greiving a little and that's okay. It has happened to me before every IVF...no matter what we were trying or how well things had been planned out. You just got hit with a lot at the same time...and it is no wonder that you are having a good cry. Just remember that the feeling will pass. And all of your bloggy friends will be here for you when you come out the other side of this thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your friend was sensitive, but yah, I get not wanting to send that email. It all feels so false when you say "I'm so happy for you" sometimes.
ReplyDeletePoor you...and after your party with the phone call and another pregnancy announcement, it sounds really difficult. I agree once the treatment starts it feels as though you finally have a chance, a little control is passed your way and a pregnancy is possible at last. The end of one journey and the beginning of the next stage. I had mixed feelings too and I actually think it does matter how one 'get there', no one would choose the IVF route over quick and easy (and free).
ReplyDeleteHang in there, enjoy your flap jacks!
I have just responded to a pregnancy announcement (distant friend) with 'wow...what exciting and happy news for you both...you must be so excited and understandably nervous blah blah). I just cannot type the words 'I'm happy for you'. Sad but true. Somewhere inside I am but I can't find it today.
Thanks everyone.. so glad you all understand and that I'm not a complete bitch/crazy/just plain mean.
ReplyDeleteLuckyme.. like the way you responded to the pregnancy announcement - honest but friendly. I did email my friend briefly. I couldn't bring myself to write a chatty email with all my (infertility) news - she announced her pregnancy inbetween telling me about her DIY projects and her Dad's retirement... like it would hurt less if it was sandwiched by mundane news! xx
Hmmm...a mundane sandwich eh? My friend had dressed hers in the perils of morning sickness, it was tinged with guilt, more about the public announcement (group email...she's an expat too)...in a sort of 'i am happy and lucky but it's not all rosy' sort of way. Certainly not the worst announcement I've found over breakfast.
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