Well, I guess after yesterday's post, that I'm not doing quite as well as I thought. Woke up this morning feeling down.. it's CD 27 and the usual pre-period spotting started on Sunday, so it's pretty certain that my last hope of a BFP without IVF is out the window. I know this shouldn't matter... I know that getting the BFP is what matters, not how, but I guess I was still holding out some hope of being able to get there without any more treatment.
So I read for a bit, got up and checked my email. And there it was.. an email from my oldest school friend telling me that she's 15 weeks pregnant. She knows some of what we've been going through and had been trying for a little while herself. And I appreciate that she emailed me first, rather than in a group announcement to all our friends or the evil Facebook post.
But I've fallen apart. I can't stop crying. Real ugly, sobbing crying. My face is blotchy and red and my nose won't stop running. I'm pathetic. I'm trying to calm myself down... writing this is helping. But, at my lowest points, all that goes through my mind is 'It will never happen for us' and then that sets me off again. And I know it's stupid.. I know there's no logic to how I feel.. I know that we are a long way from that - we have so many options and chances ahead of us..
And I know that nothing has actually changed today.. my friend was pregnant yesterday, my spotting had already started yesterday, my plan to go to the clinic this week and schedule our IVF for this month (or next at the latest depending on our protocol) was already in place. So maybe I can blame this on PMS? Or maybe it's my final stage of grief before I finally accept that we need IVF? Whatever it is, I hope it passes soon.
In the meantime, I need to email my friend and congratulate her. But I can't bring myself to write the words 'I'm so happy for you' because, right now, I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. I'm fucking miserable and I don't feel like lying. So I guess the email will have to wait.