So.... When Are You Going to Have Kids?!

We all hate this question and I know I've discussed it before but, the other day when I was miserable, I got an email from a fertility website I'd signed up for suggesting answers. And it made me laugh so much, just when I needed it J  So I thought I’d share some of my favourites with you, in different categories...

Put them in their place:

Well, we’re waiting to see how yours turn out and then we’ll decide.

Why? Are you finally sick of talking about yours?

When hell freezes over or when you stop asking people rude, intrusive questions. Whichever comes first. 

I don't know. When are you going to have manners?

We decided against it after seeing how yours turned out.

Environmental:

Never. Maybe I'll adopt. There are literally millions of unwanted children in this world and to bring any people more into the world is probably the most irresponsible thing I can possibly imagine doing, socially, economically, and environmentally. The only possible reason for spawning more humans - propagating your genetics - is nothing, and I mean nothing, besides pure, unadulterated vanity…

So how are your kids? 

Sexual

After we stop practicing.

Just as soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs. Trouble is, it just tastes too damn good.

As soon as the husband gets over his fetish for 'backdoor' lovin. If you know what I mean. 

Well, Hubby’s certainly placing the orders.

We really don’t know how. Can you come over and show us?

Funny/Other:

"So, when are you planning to have kids?"

(looking absolutely horrified) "I... I'm sorry... What did you just say?!"

 "I asked.. um.. when you were planning to have kids"

(Slightly stunned yet awash with relief) "Oh! Oh.. wow. I'm sorry, I thought you said something else then, and I was kind of shocked"

 Then NEVER disclose what you thought they said.

Why, is there a shortage? / Why, are you selling some? /  Why, are you looking to buy?

It’s not in my nature to be mysterious, but I can't talk about it and I can't tell you why. (From Ocean’s 12)

The voices in my head told me not to.

We can't. The cat/dog is allergic.

I love kids. I had one last night with a glass of Chianti and fava beans.

And the one I think I'm going to try next time is actually one I stole from a movie I watched the other night:

Them: So, when are you planning to have kids?

Me: Can you keep a secret?

Them: Yes! (accompanied by excited smiles probably)

Me: Well so can I...