Caribbean chocolate...

A non-fertility related post today... We're off on holiday tonight!  A bit of sea, sun, sand and non-baby making-timed fun is just what the doctor ordered.  And the title of this post? Well, that's the colour of spray tan I got talked into having yesterday...  Given that I am, by nature, the pastiest, palest girl in the world, I was a bit concerned (especially given the orange hue of the guy in the salon recommending it). After a few scary hours last night when I wasn't allowed to shower and seemed to be turning more orange by the moment, I finally washed it off at 11pm and all seemed OK. I certainly have more colour this morning than usual, which looks a little odd given the close to zero temperatures. But I'm hoping I'll blend right in with the other western tourists with their usual combo of pasty white and burnt red patches in no time at all!

The Year of the Rabbit.

2010 was the Year of the Tiger.. my favourite animal. But unfortunately, it didn't bring the happy event for which we had hoped. But I've been looking forward opimistically to 2011 and the Year of the Rabbit, thinking that we had a really good chance of taking home our own baby this year.

But that now seems extremely unlikely if we won't be starting IVF until April or May, though there's still a good chance of that elusive BFP!  So we're looking at 2012, the Year of the Dragon, to be the year that we finally start our family. So what does this mean? What can we expect for a 'dragon-baby'?!

'The Dragon is the symbol of power and wealth. It would be right to say that people born in the year of the dragon have a natural charisma and are certainly gifted with power and luck. It is unlikely for them to escape unnoticed from a party or to take a second place in a competition. The dragon person has an active mind and shows an unfeigned interest in the world around him/her. This person is also self-confident enough to know how to create a necessary impression. Because they are larger than life themselves, dragon people like to do everything on a grand scale.'

To me, this doesn't sound too bad (not that I really believe in all this completely).. with all that we have gone through and have yet to go through, I wouldn't mind our little one having a big dose of good luck!

'Shhh, my ovaries are resting' OR 'You want to do WHAT to my endometrium?!'

After the feelings of reticence earlier in the week (which I know come from worry - worry about the IVF process and procedures, but also worry that we could go through all this and may still not get that positive result), I decided to bite the bullet and go to the clinic.

It was very quiet today - the clinic clearly aren't starting any new cycles with the New Year holiday fast approaching so there was hardly anyone around.. the nurses were playing table tennis! I was glad they were getting a bit of downtime.. they work like crazy the rest of the time and I doubt they get paid that well for it.

The male doctor that I've seen once before was on duty, which put me on my back foot at once because he's hardly ever there and isn't familiar with my case. But, I had no choice (and he is a nice guy) so went in for a chat. After reviewing my file, he managed to surprise me when I thought I'd prepared myself for all possible suggestions (more IUI, IVF, ICSI...). He suggested an operation/procedure to scrape my endometrium because it's been consistently thin in all my IUIs! I've never even heard of that and, after a year of trawling the IUI/IVF forums, I thought I'd come across everything! I instantly went into defensive-mode... for me this involves one or all of the following steps:

Step 1: Assume that the Dr in question doesn't know what they're talking about/can't really speak English and hasn't explained properly/doesn't understand my file/isn't up to date on current protocols etc, etc
Step 2: Repeat myself, paraphrasing several times whilst trying not to cry and/or raise my voice.
Step 3: Get a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) opinion from other clinics until EITHER someone says what I want to hear OR I accept the inevitable.

Whilst in step 2, I managed to find out that the alternative is medication (aspirin or Viagra!). To me this sounds like a much better option, but I don't know much about how the methods compare in terms of success rates. Of course, I've been Googling since I got home... wasn't even sure what to search for at first and still haven't found much info, but it seems that Doc did know what he was talking about (of course) and the treatment is applicable in my case (of course) and his English was pretty much spot on (of course).

The thought of more surgery/another procedure involving me in stirrups with things being stuck up my cervix, (on top of what I was expecting in IVF) horrifies me. But I know I need to do whatever will give us the best chance of success. So, I'll proceed to step 3 and probably get a 2nd opinion from the Dr who did my lap/hyst. And then I'll get a 3rd opinion and pursue TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I was already considering this because studies have shown acupuncture having good results on increasing blood flow to the uterus prior to and during IVF, which I think is what I need.

But back to today.. the other surprise I got was that the Doc wants me to have 2-3 natural cycles to rest my ovaries after the Gonal-F stimulation. This means not starting treatment until April/May! Not what I was expecting! We've been planning everything (me giving up work, time-killing IUIs) around doing IVF in Spring because my clinic gets the best results in Spring and Autumn. But I guess April/May are still Spring, so my minor panic is probably unjustified, though I'd sort-of hoped that we might be able to fit in 2 cycles in Spring if necessary (I know.. 'glass half-empty' should be my middle name!). I had a moment of mild hysteria on the walk back from the clinic.. an image of my ovaries with their little feet up lounging on little, round sofas!

The positive side of this 'rest' is that I can go away with bloke in March when he is attending a conference which just happens to be being held in a tropical beach resort! I thought I'd have to miss it because of daily injections and blood tests, but I suppose 10 days by the pool is not bad compensation for another wait.

IVF... here we come!

Well my period arrived on Saturday.. 16dpiui, which is exactly when it arrived after our other 2 IUIs, so it shouldn't have been a surprise really! And it wasn't, although I was hanging onto the hope that it wouldn't appear until the very last minute... which was another 'morning dream' early Saturday when the stomach cramps must have been influencing my subconscious and I dreamt that I'd started.

I was sad and had a little cry on my bloke and he said all the right things which helped. Then we went out with a 'new' friend and her husband on Saturday night and I had a couple of glasses of wine (and a couple of vodkas.. and a couple of free shots from the barman ;o). It was just what I needed, though I'm going to stay off the booze as much as possible in the next few months ready for the next step..

Which is IVF, or maybe ICSI depending on what the clinic think. It always looked likely that we would need this treatment and I've been mentally preparing myself for it throughout the lap/hyst and IUIs. And I think I'm ready.. I'd planned to go to the clinic this week and see what the next steps are. We go on holiday on Saturday night for 12 days over Chinese New Year and I thought it would be good to get any blood tests done beforehand.

But now I find myself hesitating.. Maybe I won't go to the clinic today. Maybe I won't go before we leave for our holiday. Maybe I need to take a break.. It's stupid. After so long TTC and feeling out of control, I always feel better when I'm 'doing something', when I'm taking back control. And I know that I'll kick myself if I wait until mid-Feb to go to the clinic and then find out that the blood tests take a month or some stupid amount of time to come back. So maybe I'll go today...

Sweet FA.. (Folic Acid, that is)

I finished another bottle of folic acid today... each bottle contains about a month's supply, so that makes approximately 30 little bottles of hope that I've used up since this journey started. Luckily, in China, it's very cheap so, as long as I can cope with the giggles of the shopgirls when I replenish my supply in 6 month batches, it's a minor expense and inconvenience in comparison to everything else.

But it's another symbol of how long this is taking.. of how many months I've tracked my cycle and counted the days waiting for my period to arrive, only to be disappointed. Today I'm still in the same boat. Today I woke up with 'normal-sized' boobs after days of swollen, aching ones. Today I had spotting again after nothing at all yesterday. Today I have that sad, tired feeling that always preceeds my period (or at least, the sadness that has been there since starting this journey). Today I have a serious desire to make chocolate brownies or chocolate cupcakes, or perhaps a pasta dish with lots of cream and cheese followed by chocolate cupcakes...

Looks like I'll be waiting a little bit longer. Please let 2011 be my year!

Disappointment, confusion and hopefully acceptance.

I really don't know the real 'message' of this post. I'd intended to write today about the 2ww and how difficult I've been finding this one in particular. Then this morning I had weird half-dreams about taking pregnancy tests, cramping and stuff. I awoke to 'real' cramping and spotting and I'm only 11dpiui. Obviously I was gutted. I decided to POAS just to make the reality 'stick' and of course, it was BFN.

So this post should be about that BFN and how it feels to know our last IUI is over and preparing for the move to IVF. But, as usual, I can't let it drop. I've been Googling 'implantation spotting/cramping' in 100 different combinations all morning.  It's not the first time I've done this and, I know that, until my period starts for real, I won't be able to let that hope go.  Also, I'm having strange, very localised twinges over my right ovary region which are unusual for me, so that is fuelling the fire of my fevered imagination.

I 'know' this cycle is over somewhere inside me, but it's going to take a little while to sink in. I've only cried a little today.. once when I told bloke by SMS and he replied with a lovely message, but including the evil 'B' word... 'baby'. I can only deal with this process if I think of needles, eggs, sperm and hormones and try not to attach it to that magical goal for which we're aiming, as stupid as that sounds.

So, what is the post about? I hope the title says it all

I'm being stalked by pregnant women!

I realise that my last couple of posts have been a bit on the depressing/self-pitying side!  Not sure what happened, but this 2ww has been really knocking me sideways. Anyway, feeling much brighter today even though, as the title says, I'm finding it impossible to get away from other people's pregnancies!

I've been making an effort to meet more people who are in the 'same' situation as me - that is, expat women not working during the day, around my age (most women in this situation are much older). It's been going well.. a good turnout for a brunch I arranged yesterday. Except 3 of the 7 of us were pregnant!  I guess there're 2 sides to everything.. not having many friends locally makes it easier to cut myself off from the cycle of pregnancies and births back home, but that's pretty lonely. Making more friends here is great but, at my age, it's pretty likely that lots of other women I meet are likely to have or be starting families.

Anyway, I'm coping with it all better, for the timebeing at least! Really just wanted to post something less depressing! Still anxious about my remaining week wait but know I can't do anything about it, or the result, so trying to take the drama down a notch!