Getting ready for the move...

I realise it's been a pretty long time since I've posted. I guess this is for a number of reasons, but none of them really conscious decisions. Perhaps because I can only access Blogger on our PC in our office and not on my laptop (due to the censorship in China - need special software to access blocked sites) and have been too lazy/tired/stiff to go and sit on an uncomfortable office chair rather than the sofa! Perhaps because I've been trying to stay out of my own head a bit and blogging doesn't help me with that. Perhaps because of the spate of bad news on blogs I follow recently - I've still been reading them, but my own craziness seems so unimportant and inane in comparison.

So what has been happening in my life over the last few weeks?

• Got our screening test results back at about 12 and a half weeks and they were fine :)  Not amazingly low, but not at all bad for my age (34). This was the milestone at which we'd agreed that we would start to tell more people (including most of our family)...
• Skip to freak out by me brought on by aches and twinges in my back, hips, belly and occasionally legs. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that something might have gone wrong between the scan at 11+2 and the 13 week point when we were supposed to start telling people.
• Jump to me calling my hospital and getting an 'emergency' appointment with my temporary Ob/Gyn (she deserves a whole post to herself.... and not in a good way). Everything was fine - got a quick, extra scan and all looking good :)  Growing pains in my belly eased off and I relaxed a bit.
• Still no resolution to the pain in my back/hips - I don't know the name for this area, but it's those muscles at the bottom of your back/top of your butt. If you've been through IVF, it's the muscles where you have the IM progesterone shots! The soreness had eased off after stopping injections at 10 weeks. A week later, my Bloke and I had sex (1st time since egg collection!) and the next day these muscles were really sore. I presumed I'd used some underworked muscles but, 2 weeks later, the discomfort is getting worse. I can't lie on my back, the whole area is sore to the touch and even sitting down is uncomfortable. Have finally managed to get an appointment with a physio tomorrow, so hoping I'll get some answers then.
• My Bloke went back to the UK for work (he's still there) and told his parents and siblings our good news. He randomly decided to tell his folks we're having a boy!! Much excitement because there are currently no boys to carry on the family name at the moment! Seriously, Men!
• Told my Big Sis and Bruv - managed to stay calm at the odd jibe/insensitive comment from my sister, but have saved up some very honest responses that I can blame on hormones for next time!
• On Sunday, I have a leaving lunch with about 20 friends.. still deciding whether to tell them about our pregnancy...
• On Monday, our movers are in and we leave our house... it can't come a minute too soon because I am so sick of sweating all day with our lack of aircon (long story cut short - rats in the central air vents last winter, so I'm refusing to turn on the aircon).
• Next Saturday, fly to Seoul!

That wasn't as brief as I'd planned! All in all, I'm doing fine. I am really trying very hard not to obsess about this pregnancy and relax and enjoy it. I know I'm not quite there, because I know my fear of telling more people is based on the fear that something will go wrong and I'll have to tell loads of people the bad news. I do know how unlikely that is now. Maybe my reluctance is due to a little niggly feeling that I might be dreaming this whole thing and people will just laugh when I tell them I'm pregnant! Oh, how I wish I had a huge baby bump already (still no sign of it - just fat and bloating still)...

Time to go before I waffle any more. I'll be off the blogosphere for a week or so between packing up our PC and getting to Seoul and the land of uncensored internet :)  Will catch up with you all from our new home!!

Fab scan :)

Today was the big day for our (early) 12 week scan. The focus of my nerves in the last few weeks has been gradually changing. After the last scan, my thoughts turned to the screening tests and all my worry-energy went on those and the possible outcomes. But as the days have gone by and the scan date approached, that same old concern reared it's head again... 'please, please, let the baby have a heartbeat - let the little one be there and be growing'.  I think I've done pretty well keeping that worry in perspective - well, if refusing to read any potentially negative outcome posts on my usual birth club forum counts as keeping things in perspective. I guess my reasoning for that is that I know what can go wrong - at this point, I need to remember how likely it is that things will go right.

Anyway, today all did go right! Our little one has certainly grown in 3 weeks :) He/she was mostly lying on his back chilling out, but waved his arms and legs and wriggled around from side to side a bit. He* also seemed to have an attack of the hiccups at one point (might have to Google if that's possible...)! We could see fingers and toes and the baby's profile - both my Bloke and I have larger than average noses, so we had a bit of a laugh about the size of his already :)

He's measuring a couple of days ahead and had a heart rate of 171 bpm! Wow, that's fast! We got to hear the heartbeat briefly which made me cry again - there's something about that sound that makes it so real for me :)

The NT measurement came in low which was reassuring. We have to wait 2 weeks now for the blood results - after being told it would take 1 week, that's a bit annoying and means the results might not come back before my Bloke goes to the UK. But there's nothing we can do about that, so I'm trying to relax.

And that's the weird thing, isn't it? If all goes smoothly, we won't have another scan for 9 weeks... That's a long time with no 'evidence' that baby is doing well. I guess a growing belly and then feeling movement are the next signs - can't wait for those to appear!

*You may have noticed that baby is usually referred to as a boy. No real reason for this, other than the fact that my good friend predicted that our IVF would be successful and that we would have a boy back in the midst of my cycle. Actually, the ultrasound tech said she thought she could see something between the little one's legs today when I asked about gender, but I know it's too early to tell :)

A forgotten gift...

The other day at the maternity/babywear store, I realised that, despite my refusal to buy any maternity clothes or baby stuff until the 2nd trimester, I already have my first baby gift awaiting our little one. My friend pointed out a toy in the store and said 'You have to have one of these' and I realised she was indicating Sophie the giraffe. At this point, I remembered that we already have a special Sophie awaiting the arrival of our little one.

This gift has been waiting patiently for a while now. It was bought by a friend who knows about our struggles and our treatment. This friend has been through so much more than I have or hope I ever will, but her story is not mine to tell -  I will just say that, at the age of 42 she conceived naturally and now has a beautiful 1 year old baby girl, after being told at the age of 17 that she would never have her own child. She bought a twin pack of Sophies when she was replacing her daughter's much-loved one that had been lost. She told me that the 2nd one was for me and my baby, whenever he/she arrived.

At the time, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me was almost arrogant, taking a 'What does she know?' approach - how can she know that we will ever have the miracle that she was granted? Another part of me was so grateful - grateful that someone had the hope and faith that I was struggling to get hold of and generally failing to hang on to. I think that gift was the moment when I genuinely did start to hope and to believe that this could happen for us. There's no rationality or logic in hope and her faith helped me make the change from 'Why is this IF happening to me?' to 'Why shouldn't I be one of the 'lucky' ones?'  (Strange how 'lucky' now involves success after years of tests and several rounds of treatment!).

My friend doesn't 'officially' know our good news yet, though she has a pretty good idea from a couple of clues here and there. I'm looking forward to being able to tell her in a couple of weeks and to accepting my first baby gift with love and gratitude.