Happy Birthday to me!

Before starting this post proper, I'd like to say that I am not usually an attention-seeker, at least as far as my birthday is concerned. I rarely do anything special and don't demand an array of presents, unlike some friends of mine!  But if I can't mention my birthday on a blog which is entirely about me and my life, where can I?!

So today I am 34. Birthday activities so far:

• Breakfast in bed (made myself as my Bloke is in Seoul) whilst opening a few cards
• Trip to clinic for injection
• Emergency visit to H&M to buy something that fits me... I am absurdly bloated, partly from the IVF and presumably from fluids/gas. Anyway, I have a couple of pairs of linen trousers and some skirts that I can get into, fine for the summer. But I woke up to a colder day today (temperature has dropped 20 degrees C in the last 3 days!) and realised I had no pants I could do up.  I managed to button some combat pants on the wrong button but couldn't zip them up, so had to cover and hold up with a long top. I'm reluctant to buy maternity pants - it just seems too early, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I'm still getting used to the idea that this pregnancy is real and hopefully here to stay... Anyway, in the end decided that a couple of long tops/shift dresses worn over leggings will probably be OK. Tried to stay away from anything too 'smock-like' as that is not my usual style and people could start getting suspicious!
• Lunch by myself at one of my favourite restaurants, having my absolute favourite greek sausage dish. I could eat it all over again just thinking about it :)
• Nap at home after lunch
• Now just waiting for the removals company to come round and assess how much crap we have to move to Seoul.

Hope that doesn't sound like a bit of a sad day!  I have a lunch with friends and book club evening planned for tomorrow and that's enough of a celebration for me.

Now back to something I mentioned in my last post... telling my siblings. I had decided not to tell my older sister and brother yet.. it's still so early and it seems too soon. My little sister lives with my Mum, so she knows, but will not say anything. They all know about our IVF, but only my Mum knew the schedule. Then I realised that my big sis usually calls me around my birthday. I remembered this when our home phone rang on Sunday night (a rare occurrence!) and I couldn't hear anything but echo when I picked up the phone. This could only be my sister having technical trouble! I panicked and turned off my mobile phone quickly as she was sure to try that next. I felt a bit stupid after in case it was just a cold call, but then the email arrived Monday morning - yes, it was her and which number should she try me on to wish me Happy Birthday?

That means I have a choice - lie or tell the truth, as she will inevitably ask about the IVF. This is a more complicated decision than it sounds (isn't anything involving family!). My sister is in her early 40s and single. It would be a cliche to say she's been unlucky in relationships... this is what I would've said in the past, but recently it's become clear that she is suffering from some level of depression and is struggling to come to terms with her life, both now and her past. Some of her angst is related to our childhood. That really is a saga long-enough for a week of posts and I can't be bothered going into it now. In a nutshell, we didn't suffer any hideous trauma, but my sisters and I are all in-fact half-sisters and we didn't have a stable father figure around for most of our childhood. I've dealt with my Daddy issues over the years and have realised that parents are just people, equally entitled to make mistakes as anyone else. But it seems my sister hasn't and still blames our Mum and her Dad for not having the picture-perfect upbringing. Somehow, she also seems to think that I had and have the perfect life. This despite the fact that her Dad is still in her life (however imperfect he may be), whereas I've had no contact with mine since I was 18 months old.

Imagine then her feelings as I met my Bloke, fell in love, moved overseas, found a vocation and eventually got married. Over the years I have faced some anger and resentment from her, sometimes hidden, sometimes more open as her mental status became more unstable. I have dealt with it, knowing I am lucky to have the life I do, though I have had my struggles to get here. In some ways, the infertility seemed to almost start to even things up between us - 'at last, something in my life wasn't perfect!'. But she wants children and is aware that her time is running out (her words, not mine). So, in the end, I still 'win' because at least I've got a husband to have fertility treatment with!

So how is she going to deal with my news? I had planned to tell her in an email, followed up by a phonecall once she had time to process. This is how I've liked to be told when a friend of mine got pregnant and I think the situation here is the same. But if she calls, I will have to be upfront. I can't lie. I would have to do it outright and there's no way I can do that. So I guess really, I have no choices. But that doesn't stop me being afraid of seeing her name come up on my mobile phone.

Radiation shields and keeping secrets..

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments on my 2nd beta :)

This post is a bit mixed in terms of content, some of it makes slightly difficult reading, so just wanted to give you a heads-up...

My partner in pregnancy was also at the clinic on Saturday getting her 2nd beta (this is the girl who had her collection and transfer at the same time as me). I was a little surprised to see her already wearing her maternity smock. But in China, this is not uncommon. As soon as women get pregnant, they begin to wear a 'radiation shield' smock.

There is some debate about the make-up and purpose of these delightful items of clothing. At first, I thought they were worn to announce your pregnancy to the world and encourage people not to push and shove you on the subway/bus. Also, it makes it more likely you'll get a seat on public transport!  But people have also told me that they are made of some kind of metal fibre that protects the wearer from radiation.. imagine the lead aprons they wear to shoot X-rays. I've done a web search and there does seem to be some evidence to back this up... evidence that they are sold as radiation shields that is, not that they actually do anything!

But this all got me thinking about announcing pregnancies. It's clear that, here in China, lots of people do not keep this secret to themselves until the 2nd trimester. It's public information from the start. This is backed up by an awful example of an Chinese ex-colleague of mine (CAUTION - sad story ahead). She and I were supposed to attend a meeting together one day. She sent me a text message saying she couldn't attend, because she'd had an abortion and would be off work for a week. Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I presumed that there was a translation problem and she meant a miscarriage - after all, she was recently married and I knew she wanted children soon, though I hadn't known she was pregnant. I was surprised for her to share something so personal and as it turns out I had presumed wrong. I later found out that there had been a problem at a scan and she'd been advised to end her pregnancy. This was backed up by her email auto-reply, also stating that she'd had an abortion. I was horrified.. horrified at what she was going through, but also that it was now public knowledge all around our large company and possibly to external clients.

But should I have been so shocked? Should the biggest events of our lives, whether happy or sad, be kept from others? Why do we choose to keep this particular secret, yet other societies clearly don't? Does it come from living in such close proximity to one other in countries like China, where privacy is hard to find and not necessarily desired? I mean, in the olden days (and still in some parts of the world), several families lived under one roof and 'bodily functions' such as sex, just went on under the cover of darkness, not in a separate room. 

This doesn't mean I'm about to run out and buy my smock (though I have considered wearing one to my clinic, because seeing them seems to give others hope)... I'd not even planned on telling my siblings or my Bloke's parents yet, though that might be difficult to avoid this week for reasons I'll explain in another post. But this certainly got me thinking...