Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Counting down

It's less than 48 hours until my beta blood results, assuming all goes to plan at the clinic. And I've decided to test at home Saturday morning, before the call from the clinic, so an even shorter time till then.

I'm feeling much more relaxed than at this stage last time. I'm sure partly because I just don't have that much time to think about it all and the possible outcomes - Baby B keeps me pretty busy! Also, I think the 'pressure' is lessened by the mere fact that Baby B exists. I was so, so desperate to be a mother before he was born. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I genuinely didn't know how I would live if I couldn't be a mother (I know I would have done - I just could never picture that life). This time is different, though this baby is wanted and would be loved no less.

Another reason for this apparent calm is an unusual sense of optimism about the outcome. I have never been an optimistic person and certainly not in all things ART-related. I felt hopeful during the cycle that became Baby B, but never exactly optimistic. This time, I feel like it could've worked. And, even whilst typing that, I feel like I'm tempting fate and setting myself up for a fall. But that is how I feel. An increase in (imagined/med-related) symptoms in the last couple of days might be contributing to this new positive outlook. I've had more belly & breast twinges or unusual feelings. Also, (TMI ahead), an increase in CM and a general wet feeling.

I know some of those reading this will be sat shaking their heads in disbelief - after a mantra of 'nothing means anything' throughout my previous cycle, I seem to have become the 'everything means something' girl.

Will this make a difference to the result? No. Is it making these days of waiting a little easier? Yes. Will it mean an even bigger disappointment if the cycle turns out to be unsuccessful? Probably.

6 comments:

  1. I think that once you've been through pregnancy - you have a renewed belief in your body's capabilities... that's probably where the optimism is taking its strength!

    good luck with the beta!!!

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    1. I think you've hit the nail on the head! Last time I had so little faith in my body to be able to be pregnant. Now I know it can do it - if it gets the chance. China Doll

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    1. Thanks for your continued support!

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  3. Hope it's all going okay! Take care!

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  4. I've missed you! I've been gone so long and so much has changed since I last read your blog, but I've loved catching up on how you are doing and am so excited to hear your results when you are ready to share. I'm really glad you are feeling a sense of optimism and I truly hope that you get great news very soon.

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